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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

right here, right now

My walls are still bare. Once again, I am living in a space that I have not decorated at all. Is this my resistance to settle? I do want things on my walls, I do. I don't know how. I was withholding from spending any money, so I want to blame my bare walls on that, but I bet even if I had money to spend my walls would still be bare. I am so used to having collapsible plans. Do you want to see how fast it will take me to pack up all of my belongings and move out? I bet I can do it an hour. Two hours would be more accommodating, but I bet I can do it in one.

When I go to other people’s homes, my mouth drops in awe of how much of a home they have made for themselves. They have personalized their space. It is cozy and full. I have a 325 sq ft studio that is quite empty. Its not that I just want things to make it look full, but I do want it to be mine. I want it to be more than an extended stay lay-over hotel room.

Maybe, I just don’t know what that looks like? Maybe I am so used to floating and morphing and transforming that I have no idea what Tricia’s space looks like. I keep going back to money. Well, if I just had a fat checking account, I would go crazy. This place would be styled out! But, really, would it?

I do have ideas now. I want to get pillows and make a little sitting corner. I bought a desk and a table and chair set, but I most often end up sitting on my bed or making a picnic on the carpet. I planned to make a little alter when I moved in and I did, but it turned into my nightstand and is mostly a place where I place my water and tea when I am in bed. I want to move my stones and personal pieces to somewhere that I can sit in front of.

I am doing it tomorrow. I am going to change my space. I don’t know anything about feng shui, but I am going to do my own version of it tomorrow. I want to put things on the walls. Really, I do. I will keep my eye out for whatever calls to me (within a budget of course). I want to make this mine. I don’t know how long it will be mine, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot make it mine for now, right now. Cause that is what I got. I got now.

available for change.


Today is a full moon.  It is the first day of my cleanse and mercury is in retrograde. I feel change on the rise.  Its one of those times when I would go completely change the color of my hair, do something bold, for all to see.  I am not going to change my hair color (I am a re-covering color-aholic.  I am 18 months clean from die jobs and happy.) but I feel that energy.  I want to re-arrange my little studio.  I want to move all of my furnishings around.  There isn’t much space, but I want to transform the space. 

A new tattoo, perhaps?   I was just brushing my teeth and caught a glimpse of the one that started it all.  I got it when I was 17 on the final day of exams from my junior year in high school.  I spent the entire day memorizing my sister’s social security number in case they questioned the ID I was using (hers).  Even as the needle was pressing into my spine, I recited the number.  I am pretty sure that I still remember it today.

I had made pseudo-plans with myself to catch the sunset today, but pretty much missed it.  I looked onto my balcony to see a tad bit of light outside.  Even though I knew I had missed the big bulb of orange disappearing into the ocean, I still had an urge to go stand on the sand.  So, I grabbed a sweater and a hat (it’s chilly here on the beach) and ran down the stairs to my breathtaking backyard.  A storm is brewing out there.  The wind is so strong that it is blowing sand up into my face. The ocean is wild, with waves knocking into each other in all directions.  I can not find the moon, but I can feel it’s energy. 

I brought my phone down to take a picture, I press the camera button on it and the screen goes black with a little death symbol.  Perfect, for mercury retrograde and the full moon.  I place the phone down on a rock and take myself to the foot of the water.  I just want to take in this incredible energy.  This incredible force that nature is. 

Change it is a brewing.  I don’t know what it looks like, but I am open and available for it!  I love change!

Coachable

Today, I started the real cleanse part of my cleanse. I ordered Healthforce Nutritionals Level 3 Cleanse, because I love the company and their products. It is all stuff that I am familiar with and I know that they use the most high quality ingredients and processes. There isn’t a lot to do but at the same time there is a lot to do. Upon waking, drink this, then don’t eat for this amount of time. With breakfast take this and this and drink this. Then wait one hour, and drink this, and so on for the rest of the day.

I normally don’t eat anything before I go to yoga, just have some water and tea. Lately, I have been frequenting a 10:15am yoga class, so I in order to make all of these cleanse checkpoints I woke up at 6:30am to get started with drinking this and taking that. I honestly forgot that on this type of cleanse, you want to make sure that a toilet is quickly accessible. I started to make up that I was not going to be able to leave the house at all. Was this just an excuse of laziness, to escape having to bike to yoga? I know that yoga will be amazing. It will open up lots of stuckness that is around without me even knowing it. I am going to yoga.

Then my mind spun to the weekend. I am volunteering as support for the Kindred Spirits workshop. How am I going to be able to do this? How am I going to take all of this stuff all day long, while I am there? I will have to take all of it with me!??!??!! Do I need to stop the cleanse for those days? Do I just stop right now and re-start it on Monday? What am I going to do? Ok, there is always going to be something, if I stop now and re-start on Monday there will be something next week that I will want to go to. Am I just going to lock myself in my house for the entire week? No, I will do this cleanse now. I really want to do it. I can do it now. I will take all of this stuff with me. Its easy, Tricia, it will work out fine. I can do the cleanse and be there as support, all I have to do is tell myself that I am doing it, that I can do it, and it will all work.

I hop on my bike for yoga and feel good but not completely excited to be going to yoga. I am talking myself into it. When the doors to the room open, I choose a spot in the back in case I need to run to the Ladies Room. One of my favorite teachers at this studio is leading the class today. I don’t remember why she is one of my favorites, but I am happy to have her leading me today.

The class starts and within the first three minutes I want to get up and leave. Really, I want to walk out the door and go home. I feel okay physically. It is not that I need to run to the bathroom, or feel nauseous or weak. I feel fine physically, not amazing, but fine. I am just mentally not available. I am resistant. I am being un-coachable. I can barely hear what the teacher is guiding me to do because my monkey brain is so loud. There is all sorts of chatter happening. I am planning out what I am going to eat and drink today. I remember that I have a new movie from Netflix that I want to watch. I am writing this blog in my head, while moving from cat to cow.

I get present to this monkey mind that I have right now and remember to concentrate on my breathing. Have I been breathing? Obviously I have been breathing, I am alive, but have I been using my Ujjayi breathing? Have I been flowing with my breath? I honestly have no idea. Okay, so start now.

I am moving and really trying to stay focused on my breathing, but I am still being totally un-coachable. I even start to judge the teacher for not guiding my breath. I think, “ Well, no wonder I am not sticking to my breathing, she isn’t giving breathing cues. What is wrong with these teachers? Why don’t they give breathing cues?” I am letting up all sorts of anger and judgments come up for various teachers that I have gone to in the past 6 months. I am just judging away, as I am practicing vinyasa flow yoga. I get present to myself, right there in the class, to my judgments, to my uncoachability and smile to myself. I smile because I have totally caught myself and I am now going to breathe through it for real. I am back in the class. I am allowing myself to be led. I am allowing myself to be coached. I hear her giving breathing cues along with the transitions (she has been the whole time, I was just not listening). I coach myself to be open, to open myself up. I breathe deeper into the poses. I breathe into where discomfort shows up.

At the end of class, she guides us into double pigeon, a big hip opener. I have tight hips, so I am not able to go very deep, but I stick with it and stick with my breathing. I am 100% open to the pose and to what comes up. I flash back to how sitting in hip openers used to be so hard for me. I would fidget and come in and out of the pose, my body and mind screaming with discomfort, but not anymore. I am able to tap into that pain and discomfort, to accept it and know that it will pass.

This realization reminded me of a passage I read last year from the book After the Ecstasy, the Laundry titled Removing the Scales of the Body. One woman wrote “Only when I finally learned to let even the deepest pain be okay, and hold it with kindness, did it begin to release.”

After class, all is shiny and new again. I am confident that I will rock this cleanse and that I will be able to do all parts of it no matter where my days take me.  I am excited to see what will come up, now that I am creating this space for it to. I am cleansing it all.  I am open for coaching in all forms.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

past resistance.

Today was my forth day in a row of yoga. I used to practice yoga everyday or at least 5 times a week. Since tour ended in December my practice has been quite spotty. I traveled around to visit friends and didn’t make it a priority. In India, I practiced daily, but then I got sick, real sick, and could barely move. Once I moved into my own place, I started to go to some local studios and practice on my own. I was figuring out which studio I wanted to sign up with (monthly unlimited packages are the best deals) or if I was just going to practice on my own. I love my own practice, but motivating myself to do it is a struggle most days and I really do love being led through classes. I found my favorite local studio that I can bike to (a must) but then just didn’t go. I was suddenly in love with my mornings.

In the history of me and yoga, I have almost always practiced in the morning, but that is really the only time that I could. I would go to 6am classes and then go to work for 14 hours or such. Even when evening classes were available to me, it just didn’t make sense for me. I like it in the morning. I love to have it be the start of my day. Now though, I like to wake up and have tea and write. I don’t want to rush out the door and riding my bike 2.5 miles to yoga is different than slumping into a car to get there. I would tell myself that I will just go later, and most of the time that didn’t happen.

So anyhoo. I have been getting on a roll, going to classes regularly, feeling strong again and then I go out of town miss two days and then have a hard time motivating myself again. Motivating myself to stop what I am doing, to wake up earlier, to plan my eating times (I can not eat 3 hours before yoga), to leave my little love nest to do this amazing practice for my body and my mind. I am now choosing to get back on the yoga train.

Today, Day 4, I find myself so resistant. I go to a 10am class and don’t want to open my mouth to say hello. I don’t want to turn the corners of my mouth up to smile. I want to listen to the teacher, but I don’t. I am resisting. What? I really have no freaking clue. So, I just notice my resistance and turn my intention to breathing into the resistance. I inhale love. I exhale resistance. I inhale peace. I exhale resistance. I inhale space. I exhale resistance. When I notice that I am not breathing or that I am resisting a pose, I go deeper and I smile to myself. I don’t force resistance out. I work with that resistance. I have compassion for my resistance, not sympathy, but compassion. Resistance, I realize that you may think you are protecting me from something, but it is ok, I can handle whatever it is. I am ready to expose whatever you are covering for. I appreciate your protection, but lets just shed it away now, okay?

open for cleaning.

As soon as I made the commitment to myself yesterday to do a cleanse, I started to feel the effects of cleansing. I only wanted raw foods. The pizza that I have been craving suddenly appeared as gross. I was making runs to the bathroom. My emotions were heightened. I just felt like I needed to get shit out. What have I been resisting?

When I first came back from India I told myself that when I would embark on a cleanse to make sure the parasite was really gone. I looked into Alkaline Cleanses, but never took it on. I thought about a juice cleanse, I have done them before (and The Master Cleanse), but I was not up for that. I wanted to have some food. As the months passed, the thought of doing a cleanse kept coming up for me, but not sticking.  Terces, goddess of Cafe Gratitude, leads a juice fast for the first 7 days of every month.  I told her, in person, that I was going to embark on it, but only did 2 half days.  Sarma, the raw queen of One Lucky Duck and Pure Food and Wine, has been sending twitter updates while on a cleanse, which motivated me, but not enough.  Melissa of Sexy Food Therapy is leading a cleanse where she posts recipes and even gives you a grocery list and I still did not want to commit.  I have been living by the rule that I have no rules. By following a cleanse, I would be following rules. I created that a cleanse was a good thing to do, but I really was not up for doing one. I really did not want to do one.

Instead of cleansing I chose to indulge. I ordered the delicious gluten-free vegan pizza and tacos. I cuddled under the covers late in the day instead of waking for yoga. I let myself do this and I enjoyed all of it. But now I am ready. Now, I want to cleanse. Now, I want to peel back these layers some more. I want to be more vulnerable. I want to see what comes up when I tell myself no. I still see nothing wrong with indulging, I see nothing wrong with drinking some wine, but I want to see what happens when I say, “No, Tricia no wine for you this week.” I don’t even drink wine every week, but something about saying that I can’t have it, made me want it at 11:30 am today as I biked home from yoga class. Seriously, I really wanted to have a glass (or more) of wine at 11:30am today and AFTER practicing yoga. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but today I am saying no to wine and to more.

I am up for it now. I am cleansing. I am going to stick with my yoga practice. I am going to take lots of liver and parasite concoctions. I am going to see what comes up (and out). I am ready to take this on. I want to take this on. I want to give myself rules and I want to follow them.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

a surfer.

The waves are small and shiny today. They appear to be inviting to me. I haven’t been in them for maybe months, now. Really, months? Yes, I believe the last time I went in it was February. I love to be in the water. I love to paddle around. I love to get swooped up and carried towards the shore with the grace of a wave. I love to walk on the water. I am a surfer, but I am not a surfer. Have I surfed before? Yes. Have I had surf lessons? Yes. Have I spent days after days in the ocean on a surfboard? Yes. Do I have any idea what I am doing or how to catch a wave? Nope. Do I know how to read the waves or a surf report? Not really. I can tell how big they are and that is about it.

I learned to surf in 2005 on a trip to Costa Rica. Loved it, caught on right away, came home to San Diego and did not get back on a board for 2 years. I did not know anyone that surfed and let the intimidation of the surfers keep me from going after my dream to be a surfer girl. I also spent most of my time on the road (on tour) and did not have a home, so that did not motivate me to buy a wetsuit and board, either. I finally had a friend that surfed and had a collection of boards, so I bought a cheap wetsuit and jumped in. I was still homeless and mostly on tour, but now I had a friend to go with anytime I was in town.

A year or so later, I found myself moving in with said friend and joining a little Dawn Patrol group. We would go surfing in the brisk winter mornings, rising with the sun. I started to be able to call myself a surfer, but I was always going with people. Going to the spots that they picked, paying no attention to the conditions myself, just jumping in along with them. In 2008, I spent a good amount of time home in San Diego and was able to really be a steady surfer, but still mostly went with other more experienced surfers and then in 2009 found myself back on the road again with few breaks at home to surf. The last time that I did go surfing in Oceanside, I did rock it though. I caught waves at the right points. I rode them in. I was a surfer.

In my new little home, I live right on the water (amazing!) When I moved in, I asked around and heard from many people that the spot directly behind my building is one of the best spots to surf. Guys told me they had been surfing there for 15+ years. I was stoked! Then, what I came to realize is that “the best spot” for one person, may not be “the best spot” for me. For guys that have been surfing all of their lives, "the best spot", may not be "the best spot" for someone who is still pretty much a beginner surfer.

For the first time, I am not depending on others to find the best spot, to check the conditions. I can not just follow blindly and paddle out wherever they choose. I get to learn it all for myself now. Have I let that intimidate me? Yep!

I have never been afraid of the ocean, I was afraid of people. The people on the beach and the other people on boards in the water. They are going to judge me. I don’t know what I am doing! I am so not a surfer! But, everybody has to start somewhere. Everybody is a beginner at some point. It doesn’t matter if they are watching me and judging me. Most of the time they probably aren’t noticing me anyway, they are having their own beach experience, their own surf experience. I am just in the background of their snapshot of that moment. Or maybe, they do notice me. Maybe I will inspire them. Inspire them to show their skills or inspire them to put themselves into something new. Who knows? Or maybe I will be great entertainment for them. It doesn't really matter.

Today, the waves invited me in. I was not afraid. I was just going for a paddle. If I caught a wave, radness, but I am just going for a paddle. The spot right behind my building is a spot of endless waves. Endless. They never stop. Ever. Whether they are big or small, they just keep coming. This means you have to be ready to swim through them, once you get past them, to the other side, you can have your pick of which one to ride in, but first you have to get past them. I have let this intimidate me. It it is the biggest thing that has kept me out of the water for this long, when I can easily run down my stairs and get in. Do I want to paddle my butt off just to get out there? But all I have to do is paddle out there and then I can chill until I am ready to take one. So what's the big deal?

So, today, I paddle out and get right through. I am on the other side. I try to take a few, but they are not very powerful and neither am I, today. All of a sudden I am in a place where they are endlessly coming at me again. I paddle and paddle to get past them but I am basically on a stationary surfboard. It is as if someone has set up a board in a wave pool just for me to gain paddle strength. I am paddling and paddling and not going anywhere. The waves keep coming. I keep paddling. This doesn’t frustrate me, though. I am aware that I am currently a stationary paddler, and I am cool with that. It is giving me and my arms a chance to re-connect. My legs and I have been talking a lot lately, with all of the bicycling and walking. Although, my arms are the ones guiding the handlebars, they are easily forgotten. So, I am perfectly peaceful in my stationary paddling position. I don’t care if there are people on the sand or in the water looking at me, trying to figure out if I will ever make it past the breaks or not. I am perfectly content here. If I get past the breaks and get to catch a wave or two, fabulous, but I am just happy to be in the water. This is it.

I may not be standing on my board, walking on water, but what I am doing right now is a part of surfing. Everyday the waves are not perfect. Everyday is not easy. This is a part of my learning. This is a part of my surf experience. I am being with the waves. I get that my paddling is getting me places, even if it appears that I am stationary. This is what surfing looks like for me today and I will keep coming back and keep coming back, because that is what it takes. I am being a surfer.

in wonderment

How come some nights the sound of the ocean is overwhelmingly beautiful and some nights I am not even conscious of it. I am in the coziest of surroundings right now, at home. Everything is the same as every other night, the same, but different. I have put a few drops of Chill Pill Aromatherapy in my diffuser. I have turned off the ceiling lights and just have my one Ikea soft mood floor lamp on. The smells of lavender are wafting to my bed with the breeze coming from my balcony door. I am astonished. I am overcome. I am in love. The sounds from the Ocean are so mighty, so relaxing. It is if the God’s are telling me a story to tuck me in for bed.

Every night there is a story being told by the God’s in the ocean and the air. Every night I leave my door open, but not every night is my listening tuned in to hear what they have to offer me. Is that bad? Is that wrong? That some nights I have no awareness of these beautiful symphonies. No, I say no, it is not. So, does that mean it is bad if I do notice these lullabies every night? Well, no, of course not. Tonight, I tuned in and I am overwhelmed with this simple, natural magnificence. Last night, I was not tuned in to it. I was tuned into something else and the sound of the waves was just distant background music. It’s all good.

If I choose to stop and smell every single flower, every time I see one, AMAZING. If I choose to stop and smell one flower for every 186,000 that I encounter, AMAZING. There is no rule that I have to follow for wonderment. I must not make myself feel bad for not stopping to listen to the lullabies every night. Tonight, I notice it. Tonight, I am in wonderment. Tonight is all there is. Last night doesn’t exist anymore. For all I know, I did have a moment of wonderment with the ocean noises last night and I just don’t remember because then I read an amazing story and so that has become my story for last night, that I read an amazing story (or whatever happened).

So when I find myself paused in appreciation for something, I will be with it and enjoy it and not worry about why I didn’t see it, hear it, taste it, love it before (or forgot about it). I am with it now and that is all that matters. Right now is all there is.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

with it.

I love weather. I love emotions. I love change. Right now it is stormy on my beach. Not rainy stormy, but windy stormy. The water is crashing wildly. The waves are going in all directions and creating a messy wash. The wind is blowing trash bins over and throwing sand everywhere. I love it.

It has been sunny here recently and I have not gone outside at all, but as soon as this storminess came on I took myself right down to the sand. It is powerful, this weather stuff. We cannot do anything to hide from it. Well, I guess we can, we can turn on the TV and cuddle up, but we know it is going on out there. I love to be with it. It represents change to me. Change that I don’t understand, but change that is happening with my permission or not.

I have always loved the rain. I get excited when it rains. Other people may run and put up umbrellas to try to keep out of the rain. I instead, choose to take walks in it, with nothing shielding me from the wetness. It is a rebirth. A rebirth of what, I don’t know.

I love emotions. I love tears. The greatest, the biggest thing that I have ever done is to let myself cry at my father’s funeral. Not just slow tears rolling out of my eyes, but loud-ass wailing sobbing. I fought it. We are often taught to not show emotion, to not cry. I did not want to show my vulnerability. I am strong! Then, I let myself let it out and it was the most beautiful thing that I have ever done. That is real strength, to be vulnerable. Since that moment, I let my tears roll. Happy or sad tears, angry or joyous tears, I let them come and most importantly I don’t try to figure out where they came from. A tear comes, I acknowledge it, I say, “emotion is present” to myself and I just enjoy it. I love crying!

Weather, emotions, change. Three biggees that I love. These crazy places are where I am most comfortable.

And now, I back down to that weather to take a walk in it. Mmm. mmm. mmm.

a practice in yoga.

My yoga practice shows up for me all the time. Sunday, was my first big bike ride, 78 miles with loads of rolling hills through Palos Verdes. Since February my bicycle has been my primary transportation, as I do not have a car. I love getting around on my bike. I have gone on several 30-mile rides, but they are broken up and on flat beach paths. I ride a casual 15 miles along the beach, hang out for a few and then roll back home.

I really had no idea how I was going to fair on Sunday’s big trek, but I had no fear about it. It was going to be what it was going to be and I was going to do how I was going to do. I was not doing anything to make the ride any easier, for myself on the outside, but with my yogic mind and body I was in top shape to kick ass!

This is not the first time that I have just jumped head first into a physical challenge and came out more than okay. Last year, I signed up to do Nashville’s half-marathon the day before it was to take place. I am not a runner, never have been. We had just flown back to the states from Europe on tour and were opening for Dave Matthews the night of the marathon. Jason and Carlos had been training to do this run, and I took them to pick up their numbers and info in the rental vehicle that I had. I joked that maybe I would sign up too and they told me that people do actually walk it. I had made up that in a marathon if you slowed to a walk you got kicked out, I didn't know people walked! Well, why not do it, then? So, I signed up and coerced myself to run as much as possible, even though I am a non-runner. I finished in 2 hours in 59 minutes, not bad for a walker.

I have always wanted to rock climb, but you need a partner to belay you and I knew no one out here that did it. My brother in-law in the mid-west does and I have gone to a rock-climbing gym with him and loved it. A couple of year ago, during an off-tour, homeless break I got hooked up with a house in Palm Springs for a week. So, I thought, why not go to Joshua Tree and go rock-climbing? I hired a guide and went for it. She was very impressed with my balance, agility, and most of all fearlessness. I credited yoga for all of this. She called me a natural.

5 years ago, when the tour I was on ended, I needed a home for a month, so I bought a ticket to Costa Rica and backpacked around. I had always wanted to learn to surf, so found an out of the way little surf school to stay at for a week. My first lesson from my hottie surf teacher happened on the sand. He showed me how to pop up on the board. I got it right away and credited the sun salutations of my yoga practice. He took me out into the water for more lessons and I caught on right away. Not that I was pro by any means, but my instructor did paddle out on his own, as he saw I got it, with my yoga moves and all.

So, on Sunday I climbed on my bike in my unprepared preparedness to ride the 78 miles. Was the ride easy? No. Was the ride hard? No. It was just what I chose to do that day. Today I am going for a bike ride, it just happens to go up big hills and last for eight hours. When I saw a hill coming and started to think, “Oh, shit! Here comes a hill! I don’t like hills!” I noticed this thinking and then switched it to, “I am going to do this! I love hills! Hills love me! I am doing this!” I reminded myself that I was on a casual bike ride that just happened to be 78 miles long. No biggie. When my knees started to hurt, I told my knees that I loved them. I acknowledged them for working so hard. I told them that I was taking care of them and that they were going to have a nice rest later. I used different breathing techniques to cool myself down. I moved through a variation of cat/cow stretches at stoplights to keep my back and shoulder muscles from tightening too much.

I took on a balance of being compassionate and pushing it with my body. I rested when I needed too. I cheered myself on when the hills didn't end. I kept my Joy through it all. Bike gear or no bike gear. Bike training or no bike training. I've got mental and physical yoga training and that keeps me rocking whatever I choose to take on with a big smile on my face!

not about me.

Yes, I am doing a 645-mile ride via bicycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles June 6-13, but I am not an avid cyclist. I am just a girl with a bike, a bike and no car. I have a good, but old and rusted road bike that I bought to get me around town. It is fitted to my height and it is light, but it is not the bike anyone would go buy to do a 645-mile ride. I do not own any cycling gear and I don’t plan on buying it. I love riding my bike as a means of transportation, but I do not plan on becoming someone that regularly goes on 65-mile rides for fun. I don’t want to have shoes that clip in to the pedals because will I then need to wear those shoes to go to yoga or to the farmer’s marker? I don’t have pants with a padded seat. I don’t have riding shirts with the pockets in the back. I have a rack mounted to the back of my bike with bags that clip in and out to carry my groceries and more. I can take these off, but I like them.  I don't even have the squeezy water bottles because the are made with plastics that leach, so a have a sigg bottle with a twist off top and a glass bottle in my side bag.  Getting the proper gear and removing my heavy bags will make my rides more comfortable and a lot easier, but I don’t want to spend more money that I don’t have on gear just for these 7 days, even if it will make my life easier. As, for my sidebags, I don’t want to take them off either. This ride is fully supported with food and drinks along the way, but it is not what I choose to put into my body. So, I will be taking along all sorts of raw and amazing superfoods (that will keep for a week un-refridgerated) to nourish myself along the way. I want my body re-acting at it’s best!



This past Sunday was LA’s Day on the Ride, a ride with 300 of the cyclists that are signed up for Aids Life Cycle 9. It was a prep day, just like what the real ride will be. There were sweep teams driving the route in cars, to look for people that needed help. There were hydrating stands with food and drink and a catered lunch stop, as well. This ride, like the week in June, is along major streets, obeying traffic signs and signals. No roads are shut down just for us. We must ride single file and stop at all stop signs and lights.  The people participating in Aids Life Cycle vary in ages, ethnicity, and sexual orientation. They are not all super cyclists and the ones that are, got into it because of Aids Life Cycle. Everyone is doing it for the cause (although, everyone else did have a new bike and biker gear (shoes, shirts, pants, gloves)).

I showed up to meet this varied group in Santa Monica, sporting an old pair of running shoes and my Lululemon (unpadded butt) yoga gear. I kept my bags on my bike and even had them loaded with a glass water bottle and a glass Tupperware container of food for lunch, so I had added about 15-20 lbs. of extra weight to my bike. People were totally shocked that I was doing the ride, “you are doing this? Like that?” And I just smiled and giggled and was like yeah, whatever, It will be all good.



They gathered us all together before we took off to greet us and remind us of what an amazing thing we are up to. I was so moved. I got tears in my eyes. This is not about me. It is not about what gear I have. It is not about what bike I am on. It doesn’t matter how much bicycling experience I have. I am doing this to put an end to HIV/AIDS.



In California alone there are 151,000 people living with HIV. . The costs associated with medical care and treatment for a person with HIV is about $20,000 per year. Access to life-saving drugs, clinical trials and state-of-the-art treatment helps those with the disease live a longer and better quality of life. AIDS/LifeCycle will help those living with HIV/AIDS gain greater independence and get the treatment and care they need. Prevention services geared towards high-risk populations will ensure that future generations will not experience the same level of loss that we have faced in the last two decades.

I am just so moved and inspired as to what this group is up to. We are not in a competition. We are not trying to prove how physically fit we are. We are doing this to raise money and awareness toward our fellow people that are suffering with AIDS.

All along the ride, tears would come to my eyes as I was inspired by what this group of people is doing. We are making a difference, a huge difference and so is each one of you that is spreading the word and donating anything that you can.

http://www.tofighthiv.org/site/TR/AIDSLIFECYCLE9/AIDSLifeCycleCenter?px=2524411&pg=personal&fr_id=1220

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Great.


I really want to go to a friend’s housewarming partying in Venice tonight.  I am participating in the AIDS LIFE CYCLE (http://www.aidslifecycle.org/) LA Day on the Ride tomorrow morning, a prep ride for the 645 mile ride I am doing in June.  It starts in Santa Monica at 6am.  So, I create a plan to ride my bike the 13 miles to Venice this evening, hang out for a bit, then bike on another 3.5 miles to another friend’s home in Santa Monica.  I will spend the night there and be in the perfect location for my morning meeting spot! 

BUT….  I am exhausted!!!!  I got back from a 24-hour trip to San Diego around 5pm today and both my body and mind are tired!  I have done a lot of physical activity this week and didn’t get much sleep the last two nights.  I so want to go to the party and do the ride, but the logistics of getting there and getting ready for the ride are wearing on me.  I want to make food to bring along for the ride, as what they have to offer (a veggie sandwich) won’t do for me.  I want to make a super shake to have for the AM.  I know that my body is up for the ride tonight and tomorrow, but my brain is going round and round in circles.  I let myself chill for a couple of hours, take a short nap and a shower, and I still feel just plain tired!  Also, I want to sleep in my own bed!  I just want to grab a couple of spare hours from space and squeeze them in right now.  I want more time to rest and prepare and then go to the party and onward.  I could have come home from San Diego earlier, but I didn't.  I was enjoying my time in my hood with my girls.

I really am not worried about the 65 mile ride, it is just the getting there! I want to ask for support but I am afraid to ask for a ride.  Not for tonight, but to Santa Monica in the morning.  As much as I want to enjoy the party tonight, I really want to rest more.  One of my best friends offers me her car when I want it, but I just used it yesterday and I make up that is wrong too ask for it again.  Another friend of mine is participating in the ride, too, but I don’t know where she lives and don’t want to inconvenience her so early in the AM.  So, I won’t go to the party and I will just leave my house at 4am to ride 15+ miles to Santa Monica before the 65-mile ride.  I am going to be doing those types of rides on the real AIDS LIFECYCLE anyway, right?  But, I really don't’ think I need to do it tomorrow.  But I will!  But, I really want a ride...

I call myself into action, knowing that it will not hurt to make a request for a ride and send a text to my fellow cyclist asking for the possibility of a ride.  She suggests meeting me at a location that is only 2.5 miles from my house!  YAY!  In the time that I have been deliberating I made a super quinoa veggie dish and a green shake for tomorrow.  I have put out my clothes.  I am ready to go!  Suddenly, I feel amazing!  My body is rejuvenated.  I don’t have any soreness.  I am wide-awake.  I am stoked!  I feel so good that I consider just going ahead and riding to Venice, now.  Why not?  I feel good.  I can do it!  But, I say no.  I really want (and have wanted) to sleep in my own bed.  I am giving myself this luxury.  Yes, I can ride there tonight, but I don’t need to.

Maybe my body was sending me those signals of exhaustion, just to make me step it down a notch.  Now, I get to go with someone, have myself and my stuff prepared, and I get to sleep in my own bed!  And in the middle of me sorting all of this out I get an offer via twitter to come to Phoenix next weekend to participate in http://www.rideforthechildren.com/index.html a 65 mile bike ride to raise money and awareness for Phoenix’s homeless children.  She offered to fly me out and fully support me.  I checked my calendar, which just so happened to be clear and said YES!

Yes, I am up for big things.  Yes, I know that I can push my body and my mind to do things.   And Yes I do NOT have to do anything just because I can or because I told myself I was going to. 

I feel great and that feels great. I must have done something right!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

comfortable

I have mentioned that I have been asked to attend the Agape church in Los Angeles a few times before and I have turned down the invites. (http://iambeinglove.blogspot.com/2010/03/in-church.html) Not because I did not like the church or idea of it, I just didn’t want to leave my church here at the ocean. The Saturday before Easter, I was talking to a friend who mentioned that she was going to Agape the next day. Easter Sunday at Agape, I said, “I like that idea! I want to go!” I guess my friends had tired of hearing a NO to their invites, so they hadn’t bothered to invite me this week. I am ready to go, though! I want to go!

That morning as I got dressed in my Easter best (aka not yoga clothes) I laughed remembering that Easter is the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection. I am being resurrected, too! I am ready to re-enter the world and come out of India, not just for church today, but for real! I am ready to leave my nest. I want to be of service!

I attended the Agape service and loved it. They sing a lot (most of the service) and even project the lyrics on screens so that everyone can sing along with little effort. I love to sing, but for years have been afraid to. Afraid of what my voice will sound like to others. Afraid of people judging me for singing out loud (do the cool people do that?). Maybe, just maybe, if you were a trusted friend of mine I would dance and sing in front of you with no holding back. But this Sunday I stood in this new environment, surrounded by people of all backgrounds, and I sang. I sang every verse, even when the words were not projected, I listened hard to pick it up, so I could join in.

I sing now. I dance now. This didn’t just start on Easter Sunday, it started last year, but each time that I find myself in public dancing or singing, I acknowledge it. I am so happy to feel this free now. To be able to sing out and move my body with truth and emotion. Not afraid of who is around, who can see me and what they may think. It is one thing to be confident in yourself and what you do, but it is another thing to just be comfortable with yourself. Period.

Sing Loud and Dance Proud through all of life!

unintentionally intentionalized


A few weeks ago I bought hair styling products at my local Whole Foods.  I asked about their return policy, because so often I buy things that do not work for me at all and then I am stuck with it.  The helpful staff assured me that they do take the products back, even if you have used it, with a receipt. Great!  I chose products from the line of shampoo and conditioner that I have been using lately.  My naturally wavy curl isn’t super frizzy, but isn’t so sleek either. It is hard for me to find a product that does just what I want, add some shine, smooth out the frizz, but still let my follicles be their bouncy selves, without weighing them down.  I have finally embraced my curls and my natural color after years of straightening and coloring, now I just want a little help!

The products haven’t been doing much for me.  Really, they didn’t do anything, except maybe dry it out.  I decided today I would go return them, I mean I can use that money for groceries and they aren’t helping my unwieldy curls at all.  Usually I keep receipts that I may need for returns or proof of purchase in my wallet.   So, I assumed it would be tucked safely there, even though I had made the purchase a while ago.  There was no sign of it, though!  I checked the box of random bits that I keep on my desk, nope not there either.  Oh, no!  This means that it must be in the huge, overflowing, double-stuffed manila envelope that is in my closet.  The envelope that I have stuffed every single receipt into since January 1st!  Every Kombucha that I have purchased, every piece of home goods for my studio, every post office receipt for mail that I have sent!  Every single one!

This envelope has been staring at me for a while.  It wants to be organized!  I just keep stuffing more receipts in!  For the past 6 years, I have kept most of my receipts for tax purposes, and this year I have chosen to save every last one of them!  Who knows what this year will hold?  I may publish a book, or create something huge!  Everything that I have done this year is a part of that, it is all my inspiration, it is all my homework.  I will be able to write off every last bit of it!

So, I started to slowly pluck receipts from the top, looking for the one with the hair products on it.  No luck!  All right, I am into it.  I might as well organize it.  So, I dump the whole thing out on my bed and go to work unbunching them and compiling piles of similar purchases to be grouped into separate envelopes.  I have done this for years, so I am used to this method, but this is different.  I am not making a pile of tool receipts that includes headphones, screwdrivers, drills, and sautering metal.  I am creating new types of piles.  I make a pile for groceries, as it is research for a future cookbook.  I am making it all up.

I go through the whole pile and do not find the one receipt that started this.  I know that I have not thrown it away, but maybe I did?  I check the front pocket to the grocery bag that I use most often and there it is! The only receipt in there.  AHA!  I do that a lot.  I do things that I make up are very smart, the best possible place to put something to find or use later. Then, when I go to look for it, I have no clue where it could be.  I am grateful that I have outsmarted myself once again, Now, not only do I have the receipt that I want in my hand, I have organized every other receipt in my possession and I am entering them all into Quicken now!

Maybe this was my unintentional intention for the day?


"What we are looking for is what is looking."
-St. Francis of Assissi

Sunday, April 11, 2010

a conqueror

Divide and conquer.  I don’t what I mean by that right now, it just sounds like it fits my mentality in this moment.  I mean it in a powerful, united way.  Funny that  divide and conquer came to me as how to express my feeling.  I was just sitting here pondering what I had done today, what I wanted to do today, what I still want to do today.  I thought about how I want to take a walk right now, but I am waiting for someone to drop something off to me.  I want to go to 4pm yoga.  I want to surf.  On and on and on. 

What did I do so far today?  Clean, organize, take garbage out, create a wall of commitments to myself, made a yummy quiona bowl for brunch, wrote a lot, perused the web,  read a bit, a few handstands, hula hooped while looking for a good quote, plucked my eyebrows, some math, created possibilities, danced a mini ballet…..
Wow!  I did a lot and I here I was thinking I was lazy today!  HaHa. 

What I got present to, even before I typed up that list of what I did do, is that it is all beautiful.  I found myself in child’s pose on my bed, calculating what I will do with the rest of my day, since half of it has passed without me leaving my building.  It’s OK.  It really is awesome what I chose to do with myself so far today.  I didn’t follow a plan.  I didn’t have any plans for today, but I was having a moment of wow, I wasted this day, but I was all warm and fuzzy.  I am all warm and fuzzy.   My day may not look like your day.  My day may not look like what I created today would be, but I love this day.  I love it all!  Whatever we each choose to do with our days, we are all working together.  So I can be alone doing my thing and it cultivates me and therefore you!  Not because everything that I do is sooo amazing that it must effect you, but because we are all so amazing, no matter what we choose to do day in and day out.  


So, Divide and Conquer!  Not each other, but life!  Enjoy it!  Conquer it!  Make it yours!  Together it is ours!


"We have infinite reasons to be happy and a serious responsibility not to be too serious".  
-Maharishi Mahesh Yogi


I have posted this before...but it is one of my favorites! 
"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time"-Bertrand Russell

Provided for

Ok, folks.  I am doing it.  I am surrendering my credit cards.    I am putting them on lock down.  I currently have $8.23 in my checking account and $1.77 in my savings account.  I have racked up a total of $4681.09 on two different credit cards.  My cell phone bill of $120.23 for last month is due on Friday.    I had to pay my electric bill a few days late because a check that I had written a month ago just got cashed this week and threw me into a negative balance. This is not a place that my bank account has entered before.  It is all good though, I am not my checking account balance.

I have debt right now, but I am still feeling supremely abundant.  I am expecting a large tax refund to be direct deposited into my checking account (hopefully very soon), but I plan on holding on to that money to make sure that I can pay my rent for the next couple of months.  I know that income will show up for me shortly (as I am now ready to be of service).  I am so grateful that I paid off my car  (I gave it away on my birthday last year to some friends that needed it) and my student loan.  I am grateful that I no longer have those payments each month.

I have been treating myself these past months.  Not pampering, but treating.  I love good food.  So, that is where I splurge.  I just love having my superfoods around.  I love sampling raw desserts and treats. I love creating yummy meals.  I love dining at Juliano's.  My credit card bill is not all food.  It is the furnishings I bought when I moved in.  It is my yoga classes.  It is the plane ticket I bought to come home from India.  It is a lot of things, but what has kept the total tallying is my love for amazing, yummy, superfoods. 

I made all of these choices. I chose to have a big rent payment.  I chose not to work at my friend’s café when she offered or anywhere else to make some spending money.  I wanted my time to create and recuperate.  I chose each purchase that I made.  I have no regret. 

I have been suggesting to myself for a while to lock these reliable plastic friends up and now I am ready!  Finally!  I am not renewing my yoga monthy unlimited pass (ok, maybe…).  I am not going to buy everything that calls to me at Whole Foods or join friends for lavish meals by handing over my AMEX.  I know that income will be coming to me soon.  I am not locking up my credit cards now because I am losing hope,  I just don't feel that those purchases are necessary anymore.  I am ready to play this new game of living even more simply.

I am provided for!  Credit cards or no credit cards!  (Man, am I grateful for those credit cards though!)

"Abundance can be had simply by consciously receiving what has already been given." -Sufi Saying

"Let us learn to think of dollars, as we do of leaves on trees or oranges, as the natural and inevitable result of the law active within. There is truly no need to be concerned even when the trees appear to be bare, as long as we are conscious of the truth that the law is even now operating within to bring forth fruit after its own kind. Regardless of the state of our finances at any given moment, let us not be concerned or worried because we now know that the law acting in, through, and as our consciousness is at work within us, when we are asleep as well as when we are awake, to provide all those added things." -- Joel Goldsmith in The Infinite Way.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Proud of Myself

My mother sent this to me this morning.  It is a copy of an email that I sent her 10 years ago!  It was my second year in college at Columbia College Chicago.  After my freshman year, I chose to stay in Chicago and not go back to Cincinnati for the summer.  My parents told me that if I was staying in Chicago, then I would need to support myself.  I was the only one of my friends that did not go home for the summer.  I moved out of the dorms, found a roommate wanted ad and moved in with 2 older guys in the city. 

I was working at House of Blues in the company store folding T-shirts and at Billboard magazine as an assistant.  I had just started to follow the production staff around as they set up for the concerts and I knew that this was what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be a live sound engineer.  So, I quit my Billboard job to give me more time to follow the production team around.   I wanted to be there from load-in to load-out, and not just arrive after I got out of Billboard at 5pm.  Arriving at 5pm I would get to see soundcheck, but none of how it was all set up.  

So, I chose to follow my heart to work for free and let go of my good-paying assistant job.  Never once have I doubted that decision.  Soon enough they started to pay me as a stagehand (since I was not going away), and then letting me do sound for the blues bands on the restaurant stage and so the story goes.....


Also thought of this :I saved it and always had it available in my 'whatever box'-for some reason I never filed it away. I guess I used it as a reminder that as much as I would worry about  you, you were happy and that 's what counted.
 Love you, Mom

Friday, April 9, 2010

Fulfilled


The notebook that I brought with me to Austin, to my Baron Baptiste training, is the same notebook that I brought with me to Café Gratitude’s Aloha Awakening retreat in Maui last October and it is the same notebook that I brought with me to India.  There is some real powerful stuff in there.  It is the notebook that I wrote in when my laptop was not an option (I prefer to type than to write, I am quite messy when getting things out of my head and onto paper).  I have not opened this notebook since I returned from India.  I often told myself to, so that I could post what came up for me while I was in the Ashram, but I just never did.

So, sitting in a conference room in Austin last week, I opened it.  On the last page that I had written on was a list entitled “REASONS FOR INDIA”.  It was a list that I made up when I started to feel confused about staying there.  I had listed what I had planned to do in India, or what my trip was about for me and then there was a wavy line with reasons that I didn’t want to be there.  It is funny because even the top of the list, the reasons for India, have nothing to do with India itself.  The only reason that really works in India and not here is “CAN LIVE CHEAP”.  The last thing on the reasons to stay list is “WANT TO LIVE AT THE BEACH”.  So, right now and since I have returned from India I am fulfilling the entire list except that living cheaply one!


Varkala & Trivandrum, India.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

the unknown


I did not want to get out of bed at all today!  Last night, after writing several drafts of my Joyology proposal, there was a knock on my door.  It was two of my friendly neighbors asking me to come watch the sunset from their beachfront deck.  Minutes before their knock I had been crying reading over re-writes that I had gotten back from the trusted few that I sent the proposal to.   So, I said, “why not!  I will have a glass of wine and hang”.  These guys have knocked on my door several times and I have yet to hang out with them.  I actually had a really great time sipping on red wine and chatting away.  I told them all about my proposal and they were stoked for this made up service that I was offering. 

I had a couple glasses of wine, but didn’t feel drunk.  I hadn’t eaten dinner so when I got back to my place I foraged for food.  Alcohol makes me eat.  I don’t know if it is just a subconscious need to soak it up?  My kitchen is very bare right now but I came up with a concoction of nori, almond butter, and sauerkraut that was actually really good.  It was now 10 pm. 

I crawled into bed and turned on a movie instead of taking another stab at my proposal.  I ended up staying up pretty late and when I woke up this morning I did not want to budge.  I chose to let myself stay wrapped up in bed, and turned on another movie.  I was just not motivated to do anything else and I was getting real satisfaction in allowing myself to stay in bed and not write! 

I didn’t budge from my cozy bed until noon.  When I finally got up to use the restroom.  I was suddenly lit up!  I was stoked!  (I actually wondered if it was the power of dropping the kids of at the pool, if you know what I mean.) I was ready to take on my next draft of the proposal.  I printed out all of the previous drafts and embarked on a brand new one.  It was fresh and real, not forced.  I finished it and sent it out to my team of reviewers. 

I am overwhelmed once again with hope and faith.  I know that my life will work out.  I don’t know what that looks like.  I don’t know what that means, but I know that it will work out.

I trust the unknown.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Duality.


I have a written up a Joyology Proposal to send out to my contacts, for them to send out to their contacts.  My goal is to be the onsite joyologist for a TV set, film set, or a band while they are recording.  I am currently concentrating on the entertainment industry, as it is the world that I know.  I asked a friend to read it over and he sends me back an email with my proposal in his words.  I love his approach, but it is not even what I am offering.  I go back to read what I wrote and I believe in it.  It is me.

It is funny.  I have always done that.  I ask someone for their advice, for their opinion, I listen and then do not take any of their advice.  So why do I even ask?  What I just got present to is that in my asking others and listening to their ideas, I come to believe in myself more.  I don’t think that their opinions are wrong, it just makes me see even more what I like and what I want.  What I am looking for.  I look outside in order to see deeper within myself.

This friend and I exchanged several emails and I felt that I was getting heated in my writing.  I am a passionate person and I make up that sometimes my writing comes off as angry or that I am up on a high horse.  So, I chose to call him to make sure that my emails are not translating into anger.  He totally got me and opened me up to the possibility of my softer side.  He asked me to try writing my proposal as if I was sending it to my Grandmother, to sprinkle some sugar on it.  He suggested including the photo of me that was published on matadorgoods.com.  I see where he is going but I do not feel that the picture shows who I really am and I am not soft.  I want to cry, not because he is telling me to be soft, but because this is hard.  To sell myself via email is hard.  (I am making it up to be hard).

I have so many facets (don’t we all) and I make up that it is hard to show them all in a short and sweet email.  I don’t want to come off as a floaty hippy, but I don’t want to come off as a total biotch in a business suit with arms crossed In front of my chest, either.  I tell him that I am not going to sugar coat my proposal but that I am going to make another pass at it, taking out any harshness.   

I find myself writing from my heart and it is softer, it is true, and it is real.  I embrace my softness.  Maybe, I am so used to being the tough girl that I forget that I am soft.   Wow.  It feels good to do the re-write, it feels good to feel my duality, the soft and the hard.  As much as I do know that I am both, I forget, and I forget that I love being both soft and hard.  Some moments may be more one than the other, but they both exist.  They always exist.  Soft and Hard.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

committed to love

I woke up just now, having no idea where I was. I wasn’t confused or lost, I was just in such an active dream world that I didn’t know what called me to wake up. I usually don’t remember much of my dreams, but today I woke up feeling as if I was still in mine.

I remember being at the sound company’s headquarters that I used to work for and it is much bigger, with lots of grass land surrounding it. I then remember being in a huge locker room and everyone was going to take a heated yoga class.  Was this part of the sound company now?  I lock my belongings into the box they tell me is mine and go in to the yoga room.  After the class, everyone is dripping in sweat and needing a shower; a change of clothes is a must. I find my locker and the combination to my lock comes back to me with absolute certainty (in my dream, I don't really know where I am or why I am there either), but it doesn’t open. Am I at the wrong locker? But, I see all of the other lockers are opened and emptied. Then someone comes along and opens the lock that I tried to open. It is her locker, not mine. Where is mine? Where did my stuff go?

I felt a bad vibe from a few people earlier and right away look for them. Did they steal my clothes, my stuff? I had more than just my clothes in that locker.  I had my purse, my keys, my wallet.  I need that stuff!  I don't even really know where I am!

I make eye contact with this group that I immediately want to blame and I make up that they are taunting me. They do not like me and I have no idea as to why. I have never met them before ( I think?).  I right away take a defensive, angry, I don’t fuck around stance and they just roll their eyes at me.

I am livid! Why did these people take my stuff? What are they doing with it? Why don’t they like me? What do I do? I march over to them and accuse them of taking my stuff. They are not budging. They just laugh at me. I walk away and feel so lost. What am I going to do? What is up with these people? I am so angry! I am enraged!

I don’t like this feeling. I don't’ like this hatred I am taking on, not what these people are showing me, but what I am showing them. I don’t even know if they took my stuff. Why am I showing them so much non-love? I feel sick with anger and I don't like it.  I am going to apologize.

I walk back over and put it all on the line. I started to cry as I apologize for being so evil with them. Whether they took my stuff of not, I was not acting out of love I was not being love and that is what I am committed to, I say.  I am committed to being love at all times, with all beings.  In my sharing they don’t become my instant friends, but there is definitely an energy shift.

I walk away feeling much better.  I still don't know where my stuff is but I feel like a dark cloud has passed.  I am back at my locker and there are all of my belongings.  Untouched, right where I left them before class.

I choose love, always.   I choose love.  No matter what you show me, I choose love. 


Monday, April 5, 2010

Love Inspiring!


Last week, in San Francisco, two of my closest friends shared with me that they have been making me wrong for choosing my home of Hermosa Beach.  They didn’t get what I have been up to.  They were surprised that I came back from India so soon, but then they were so excited about the idea of me moving to SF and joining the Café Gratitude community that exists up there. Then, I switched and chose Hermosa Beach!?!??!?!?  I had no idea that they had these thoughts and feelings, they have not expressed anything about this until now.  I totally thought that they were 100% behind me and whatever choices I made in my life.  Even if they are not the choices that they would have made if they were in my shoes.  I was so grateful for this sharing and held space for them to share it.

Then as it soaked in, I felt so much pain and anger!  They didn’t believe in me!!!!!!!!  Don’t they know me?  Don't they know that my life will always work out?  Don’t they trust my intuition and me following my heart like I do?  It opened a huge wound for me.  In choosing a profession in the music business and then going after being a live sound engineer and moving to the city life of Chicago from Cincinnati after high school, my parents were afraid for me.  Why couldn’t I have just picked a normal profession and a good old state school?  I never felt support from my family in those choices.  I make up that this is because they were just so afraid for me, afraid of failure.

I never doubted myself, though.  I go after what I want, even when I don’t know what it is.  I knew that I wanted to be a live sound engineer and I didn't even have an idea of what that meant.  I didn’t even know what it was called.  I just saw the guys behind the boards changing the levels at concerts and I knew that I wanted to do that and that I could do that.  I knew nothing about music.  I could not play any instruments.  I knew no one who did.  I went all for it, not knowing anything and not afraid of looking like an idiot.  How else would I learn?  I found my way in and quit a good paying office job at Billboard magazine to work for free at the House of Blues so that I could see what it took.  What this dream job was.  My parents did not like that, but I was supporting myself so what did it matter. I made it work and it did. 

I remember my parents telling me that they were proud of me when I was on tour doing monitors for a Grammy award-winning artist and all I could think was “FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you are proud of me?  Big fucking deal!”  Angry, much?  So, these emotions came up for me last week when my good friends shared with me that they have been making me wrong.  After I acknowledged for myself and with my friends that pain and anger came up I shared what the last couple of months have been like for me, since I was partially isolated in my self-made India.  In this sharing, I got for myself what this time has been about.  I haven't been questioning what I have been up to.  I have just been trusting myself, as I have always done, but this is what I got...

The last few months have been the most amazing ever.  I committed to myself.  I got to know myself.  I got to know what I liked and what I did not like.  Who I wanted to be, and who I am.  Every moment was huge connection to myself and to the bigger picture. I saw that I needed my time.  That I wanted my time and I am writing full time.   I went through a lot of changes and transformations since my dad died.   I expended a ton of energy last year as the touring joyologist and at the same time was quite lost as to what I was up to.   I am now at a place of strength, along with my pure love and joy and so much more.  I am whole, I am complete.  I am source.  No fucking question.   In the real India and in my India I got to see who I am for myself and for others.  I got to find this out for myself and acknowledge myself on my own.  I have struggled with accepting acknowledgement and now since taking myself outside of the community that constantly acknowledged me, I get it!  I get who I am!  I love who I am!  I am love inspiring!    

Being up in San Francisco with the Café Gratitude folks I did think, “Wow, I do love these people, I could have been here.  I almost moved here”. But, right away I knew that I had made the right choice in Hermosa.  If I had moved to SF straight away I would have been sucked into another amazing community and not have dealt with getting to know myself for myself.  That is what going to India was about, to get away, to have my own experience and now that I did that, I get myself. I am up for transforming the world!  (and I loooooveeeeee Hermosa!)

This is seriously what I did when I re-read this blog to edit it... I was screaming YES!!!!!!  And now I am laughing sooo hard at myself and all of it!


in Austin

Austin! I am so grateful for your playful radio stations, your delicious inspiring foods, and so so much more!  Thank you for being an open invitation for me to experience life outside of my self-made India.  You put me in the driver's seat of a rental car and of my own personal mobile think tank. 

I sang along loudly to your fun radio stations and allowed myself to listen to country music stations as I was driving the back roads, it seemed fitting!

My travel mug kept taking the car's cupholder with it, everytime that I picked it up for a sip.  This made me giggle like a school girl getting tickled everytime that it happened.  Nice respite for when doubtful, fearful thoughts emerged in my mobile think tank.


Your restaurants overwhelmed my tastebuds with flavor and my body with nourishment.


 Avocado Sandwich from http://www.dailyjuice.org/
 Raw Chalupas from http://www.beetscafe.com/
Amazing treats from Texas based company http://www.hailmerry.com/  Their macaroons are to die for too! SOOOOOO Delicious!  Request your local heath food store to carry them!  I am so going to!

You may not have a beach, Austin, but you sure do have a nice patch of water and path to enjoy!  I even spotted sand volleyball there!



Ahhh!  Austin! This is just a brief bit of what you showed me!  I will be back!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

childlike



I feel like a little kid lately.  I used to always feel so much older.  I used to always feel like I was 35.  I don’t know why I picked that age.  I now see that I always felt like I had so much to prove.  As a young, female sound engineer I often stood in the face of judgment.  Judgment from the musicians on stage, from stagehands, from co-workers, judgment all over (before they heard or saw my capabilities, that is).  It was not unusual for everyone else to be twice as old as me, even my stagehands, who I was in charge of.  Being young is one huge strike, but being a female and a girly one at that?  Wow, I was a walking bulls eye. 

I make up that is why I felt so old.  I was forced to hold myself tall and grow thick skin, whatever you got to throw at me I can take!  I may be a cute, giggly girl on the outside but A) I know what I am doing and B) I mean business.

Now, the more I learn and the more I come to see what I know, the more I get present to I DON’T KNOW SHIT!  HaHa!  I am no longer out to prove anything.  I do not need to prove anything to you, or to them, or to me.  Quite funny that from the ages of 15-28 I felt 35 and now at 29 I feel like an elementary school kid!  I love it.  Apparently others see this new youth in me too, as people keep asking me what I am studying in school (maybe because I am always on my laptop typing?).  Um, I graduated college in 2003!