Love Inspiring!

Last week, in San Francisco, two of my closest friends shared with me that they have been making me wrong for choosing my home of Hermosa Beach.  They didn’t get what I have been up to.  They were surprised that I came back from India so soon, but then they were so excited about the idea of me moving to SF and joining the Café Gratitude community that exists up there. Then, I switched and chose Hermosa Beach!?!??!?!?  I had no idea that they had these thoughts and feelings, they have not expressed anything about this until now.  I totally thought that they were 100% behind me and whatever choices I made in my life.  Even if they are not the choices that they would have made if they were in my shoes.  I was so grateful for this sharing and held space for them to share it.

Then as it soaked in, I felt so much pain and anger!  They didn’t believe in me!!!!!!!!  Don’t they know me?  Don't they know that my life will always work out?  Don’t they trust my intuition and me following my heart like I do?  It opened a huge wound for me.  In choosing a profession in the music business and then going after being a live sound engineer and moving to the city life of Chicago from Cincinnati after high school, my parents were afraid for me.  Why couldn’t I have just picked a normal profession and a good old state school?  I never felt support from my family in those choices.  I make up that this is because they were just so afraid for me, afraid of failure.

I never doubted myself, though.  I go after what I want, even when I don’t know what it is.  I knew that I wanted to be a live sound engineer and I didn't even have an idea of what that meant.  I didn’t even know what it was called.  I just saw the guys behind the boards changing the levels at concerts and I knew that I wanted to do that and that I could do that.  I knew nothing about music.  I could not play any instruments.  I knew no one who did.  I went all for it, not knowing anything and not afraid of looking like an idiot.  How else would I learn?  I found my way in and quit a good paying office job at Billboard magazine to work for free at the House of Blues so that I could see what it took.  What this dream job was.  My parents did not like that, but I was supporting myself so what did it matter. I made it work and it did. 

I remember my parents telling me that they were proud of me when I was on tour doing monitors for a Grammy award-winning artist and all I could think was “FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you are proud of me?  Big fucking deal!”  Angry, much?  So, these emotions came up for me last week when my good friends shared with me that they have been making me wrong.  After I acknowledged for myself and with my friends that pain and anger came up I shared what the last couple of months have been like for me, since I was partially isolated in my self-made India.  In this sharing, I got for myself what this time has been about.  I haven't been questioning what I have been up to.  I have just been trusting myself, as I have always done, but this is what I got...

The last few months have been the most amazing ever.  I committed to myself.  I got to know myself.  I got to know what I liked and what I did not like.  Who I wanted to be, and who I am.  Every moment was huge connection to myself and to the bigger picture. I saw that I needed my time.  That I wanted my time and I am writing full time.   I went through a lot of changes and transformations since my dad died.   I expended a ton of energy last year as the touring joyologist and at the same time was quite lost as to what I was up to.   I am now at a place of strength, along with my pure love and joy and so much more.  I am whole, I am complete.  I am source.  No fucking question.   In the real India and in my India I got to see who I am for myself and for others.  I got to find this out for myself and acknowledge myself on my own.  I have struggled with accepting acknowledgement and now since taking myself outside of the community that constantly acknowledged me, I get it!  I get who I am!  I love who I am!  I am love inspiring!    

Being up in San Francisco with the Café Gratitude folks I did think, “Wow, I do love these people, I could have been here.  I almost moved here”. But, right away I knew that I had made the right choice in Hermosa.  If I had moved to SF straight away I would have been sucked into another amazing community and not have dealt with getting to know myself for myself.  That is what going to India was about, to get away, to have my own experience and now that I did that, I get myself. I am up for transforming the world!  (and I loooooveeeeee Hermosa!)

This is seriously what I did when I re-read this blog to edit it... I was screaming YES!!!!!!  And now I am laughing sooo hard at myself and all of it!

in Austin

Austin! I am so grateful for your playful radio stations, your delicious inspiring foods, and so so much more!  Thank you for being an open invitation for me to experience life outside of my self-made India.  You put me in the driver's seat of a rental car and of my own personal mobile think tank. 

I sang along loudly to your fun radio stations and allowed myself to listen to country music stations as I was driving the back roads, it seemed fitting!

My travel mug kept taking the car's cupholder with it, everytime that I picked it up for a sip.  This made me giggle like a school girl getting tickled everytime that it happened.  Nice respite for when doubtful, fearful thoughts emerged in my mobile think tank.

Your restaurants overwhelmed my tastebuds with flavor and my body with nourishment.

 Avocado Sandwich from http://www.dailyjuice.org/

 Raw Chalupas from http://www.beetscafe.com/

Amazing treats from Texas based company http://www.hailmerry.com/  Their macaroons are to die for too! SOOOOOO Delicious!  Request your local heath food store to carry them!  I am so going to!

You may not have a beach, Austin, but you sure do have a nice patch of water and path to enjoy!  I even spotted sand volleyball there!

 

http://www.austinexplorer.com/Locations/ShowLocation.aspx?LocationID=1379

Ahhh!  Austin! This is just a brief bit of what you showed me!  I will be back!

childlike

I feel like a little kid lately.  I used to always feel so much older.  I used to always feel like I was 35.  I don’t know why I picked that age.  I now see that I always felt like I had so much to prove.  As a young, female sound engineer I often stood in the face of judgment.  Judgment from the musicians on stage, from stagehands, from co-workers, judgment all over (before they heard or saw my capabilities, that is).  It was not unusual for everyone else to be twice as old as me, even my stagehands, who I was in charge of.  Being young is one huge strike, but being a female and a girly one at that?  Wow, I was a walking bulls eye. 

I make up that is why I felt so old.  I was forced to hold myself tall and grow thick skin, whatever you got to throw at me I can take!  I may be a cute, giggly girl on the outside but A) I know what I am doing and B) I mean business.

Now, the more I learn and the more I come to see what I know, the more I get present to I DON’T KNOW SHIT!  HaHa!  I am no longer out to prove anything.  I do not need to prove anything to you, or to them, or to me.  Quite funny that from the ages of 15-28 I felt 35 and now at 29 I feel like an elementary school kid!  I love it.  Apparently others see this new youth in me too, as people keep asking me what I am studying in school (maybe because I am always on my laptop typing?).  Um, I graduated college in 2003!  

in heaven

I walk out of yoga class and put my mat and water bottle in my bike bag and pause there, looking at the pier.  I feel amazing, inside and out.  I am living the life.  I am living a dream life.  I think, well anyone living here would be in heaven, of course.  But, is that true?  I mean obviously I am not the only one living in this neighborhood.  I am not the only person living in my building right on the beach.  Are they all this happy?  Do they all stop themselves from pinching  their cheeks to see if this is real?  Do they all feel like they are living in a dream?  Life is what you make it.  I make it heaven.

The mind is it's own place, and of itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.

---John Milton

an activist instead of an inactivist

After having the movie “The Cove” in my possession for weeks, I finally took it out of its Netflix envelope and slipped into my laptop this week. I knew I was going to love the movie I just am usually more in the mood for a romantic comedy or something mindless. So, I did it, I committed myself to watching it and I was immediately fully engaged. I remember when I was in high school my mother, aunt and cousins took a road trip from Cincinnati to Chicago. They all wanted to go to the Chicago Aquarium, but I knew they had a dolphin tank so I refused to go in. My mom said I was just making a fuss, but I got physically ill at the idea of those beautiful beings stuck in a little pool. It seemed like such a sad life. So, they went in and I slept in my Aunt's van the entire day, trying to sleep away the nausea.

Today, where I live I get to see dolphins often and each time I stop in my tracks to watch their magnificence. How dare anyone take them out of this environment? I get to watch them surf 15 feet waves and jump out at the end. How can anyone take that joy away from him or her? So the movie really touched my heart. I want to be active in this fight. In the movie, someone says, “you are either an activist or an inactivist”. I sure don’t want to be an inactivist. What can I do? Sign me up! That night I had nightmares of dolphins bleeding, it was horrible. I cannot remember the last time that I had a scary dream. Waking up afraid isn’t very fun, but at least it made me more passionate about making a difference.

The week went along and I forgot about my wanting to make a difference in stopping dolphin slaughter. I just got up to other things as we do in this busy world. On Sunday, I met up with my friend, Jackson, for a good ole afternoon hang. When I picked him up to go to UCLA for a screening of May I Be Frank, he mentioned that he was invited to an Environmentalist's BBQ get together in Bel-Air. Since we will be close to there, maybe we can swing by? So we went to the screening and I coerced him and my other friends to dine at the nearby Native Foods, because I had been craving it for months! We finished lunch and I asked if he still wanted to hit up the Bel-Air thing, so we headed over. We walk in to the house and what do you know Ric O'Barry, the Flipper dolphin trainer who is the lead crusader in shutting down The Cove was speaking! Amazing!

When he finished talking, everyone got up to mingle as the party was winding down. Jackson struck up a conversation with Ric before and talked with him about helping to get the movie up on a website so that everyone can watch it for free. Ric doesn't care about the movie making money. He wants more people to see it. He wants more awareness. I start to mingle and as most everyone else there is of an older generation, they mention to me that Ric is planning on amassing a group of people to go to the cove in Japan in September, the next planned hunting session. He wants people to just be there and be in the water and on the beach, not to protest, just to be there. In hopes that the Japanese will not carry out their killing spree in front of so many tourists. Immediately, I say I am in! I don’t care what this will cost me. I will be there. I am in! I signed up to volunteer locally as well. I am being active.

http://www.takepart.com/thecove/

one

(travel home from Austin)
So many possibilities and inspirations are flying around my head! I don’t know where to start!

I am exhausted! But in the most amazing way! My body is tired and sore but at the same time energized and ready for more! My brain has a million possibilities flying around and is filled to the brim. It may just explode. My heart is soaring and knows that its true direction will be found (cue, eyes filling with tears). I just want to give, give, give, heal, heal, heal, and empower! There is a team of girls that is going to miss their connection flight to Santa Barbara because our flight is delayed and trying to book a van for a one-way rental. I just want to help them. I want to hand over my credit card and do whatever I can to make this happen for them. I have a first class seat on today’s flight (because of my miles) and I want to give it away. I don’t need to sit in first class. Yes, it is much more comfortable but maybe someone else will enjoy it more, but in thinking about giving the ticket up, I find myself being choosy with whom I will trade. Only an aisle seat, an exit row is preferred, definitely not a middle. But wouldn’t it be big of me to walk through the plane and see the most uncomfortable looking person and offer it to them? Middle seat and all?

And then I get on the plane, to my first class seat and the person besides me asks if I will trade with her husband in the bulkhead seat. I say no, but if the person next to him won’t switch then I will. I specifically chose my seat and I do not like thae bulkhead seat, but I do want them to sit together, so I will trade, but only if the other passenger won’t. I then guess that the seat will belong to Willie Nelson, who I spied at the gate. I wanted to say hi to him out there as I met him at FarmAID. I will be sitting next to Willie!!!!! Who knows what possibilities will appear with a conversation with him? He comes in, takes that seat and the couple then decides that they don’t care about switching. I guess the husband wants to sit next to Willie. Funny, I forget that other people care. I forget that other people may recognize him. I forget that means something, to sit by someone, even if you never exchange a word. So, there it goes. I could have said yes, right away and be sitting next to Willie, but I didn’t and I now get to keep my bags at my feet.

But, what I realize is, the person that I am, the person that I have become really does see the endless possibilities in what a simple hello can make. Even if I don’t know exactly what I want to say, even if I don’t know exactly what I want, I am aware that possibilities are everywhere. Yes, I have set intentions for my life. I want to be a published and paid writer. I want joyology to be my line of work. I don’t know exactly what I want those to look like. I have ideas about them. I want to write a regular article in a publication. I want to work with companies and corporations as the on staff or joy consultant. I don’t have an outline for how I am going to make these things happen, but I know that they will in some form.

As I write this I am becoming annoyed with the woman sitting beside me. She is moving around to get comfortable and I am making it mean that she is annoyed with me so she is making these moves to annoy me. I make up that she doesn’t like me because I wouldn’t trade seats at first at that she thinks I only offered to trade seats when I saw it was Willy, but I didn’t I offered before I saw him. What I forget is that for her to ask me to switch in the first place could have been a huge deal for her, to make that request. Also, she is really just trying to get comfortable. I am making it mean that it is all about me!

It’s funny that I go into judgment. Well, he must not want to switch now because he wants to say that he sat next to Willie. Doesn’t he know that Willie is not going to talk to him? What is he hoping for just a quick, “hi, I am a fan” moment. How am I am better than that? I was hoping for a conversation with him too. About what, I don’t know. Of course I was planning on bringing up that I am a friend/tour with Jason (they just recorded together), but is my "would be" conversation better or more important that this man who is on his honeymoon? Hell no!

We are all the same. We are all so different, but really we are all the same. We are all one.

PS. I did get my conversation with Willie. We walked and talked the whole way from our gate at LAX to our curbside ride pickups.

a WHY NOT?

Along with my last blog about being a YES!, I have also become a “WHY NOT?” Which I guess is just another version of being a YES. When an opportunity presents itself to me, I often think, “Well, why not?” When I was emailed about attending the Baron Baptiste teacher training that was my reaction. When I heard about the AIDSRIDE, I thought, “Why not do it?” When I was called to go to a leadership workshop at Café Gratitude, “Why not?” These are all things that I really did not have solid reasons as to why I wanted to do them, but I also had no solid reasons as to why I did not want to do them, so WHY NOT?

Maybe WHY NOT? Is easier than YES! Being a YES sounds so committed. It sounds like I am over the top lit up about it, YES!!!!!! But, WHY NOT? To me is okay, I am up for that. That shows up for me as an adventure, who knows what will come from it so WHY NOT?

Does it matter if I am a YES or a WHY NOT? Being a WHY NOT? is still being open, right? I am not being a NO. So maybe you don’t want to take on a solid YES! Right now in your life, but how about trying on a WHY NOT? WHY NOT?'s are fun! But note to self, when exclaiming WHY NOT? You don’t actually have to make up a list of why nots. Get it? Okay, so yes, it appears my WHY NOT? is in fact being a YES! I am still going to call it a WHY NOT? though!