Now that I am back to remembering my IT IS NOT ABOUT WHAT I CAN GET, BUT WHAT I CAN GIVE. I am allowing that to shift into all parts of my daily life and wow is it fun! It is not all about me!!!
Yesterday in yoga we worked on a few poses with partners. My normal inclination is that when the poses are being demonstrated to watch it from the view of how do I do this pose? I want to make sure I get it right, but what I realize is that I end up paying little attention to how I am supposed to act as the supporting partner. So, I know how to get into the pose for myself, but I am completely lost when it comes to assisting and serving my partner. So, when it is her turn I am lost on how to be most supportive and that is no good These are complicated poses and that is why we are using partners: to support each other!
So, yesterday, when a multi-step partner work inversion was demonstrated I watched from a new view. I watched to see how can I best be of support to my partner. I want to make sure that she gets the best experience. It is not about me. Wow! It felt so good and I even took on supporting my neighboring partner clusters that were confused as to how to best assist each other (I am not the only one that naturally picks to pay attention to what I can get, it seems).
This morning, I woke up to full in-boxes, as usual. When I got to my regular Free Cycle email I did my usual scrolling of the "OFFER" only posts. Again my natural inclination was to "What can I get?" not "What can I give?". I was present to this and so then re-scanned the "WANTED" posts. True, I don't have much to give away, as I have still not acquired all of the furnishings for my own apartment, but you never know. I may actually have something that someone else can get more use out of. I bet there are actually tons of things from my half furnished, not decorated apartment to give away!
Life is much more fun when remembering that it is all about what I can give! And just in time for the holidays, too!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
about what I can give, not what I can get.
Yesterday, I woke up remembering that everything that I want to do in my life, with my career, with my dreams is not really about me. It is about everyone else. I tweeted, " Its not about what I can get but what I can give." This is the true motive for everything that I want to do. This is the reason that I want to have my story published, this is the reason that I want to have a TV show, this is the reason that I created all of my services, this is the reason that I created my joyology.
It is not about me! Sometimes, I forget about that and I get stuck in the how can I make money zone. How can I push these services to make income? I really want to buy new clothes! I want to eat at that yummy restaurant whenever I want without thinking about the debt it is causing me! I want to fly to visit my family for the holidays and not think about the financial cost of it! Those thoughts are all normal. I do not feel guilty or wrong for having those thoughts, but really they don't serve me or my mission.
Everything that I do, everything that I share whether it be a recipe, one of my favorite companies, a quote that inspires me, or a look into my head, is all because no matter how different we are, we are all the same, and I want you to succeed in life, just as much as I want to succeed in life. What does that mean, succeed in life? Does that mean win a medal? Be rich and famous? It may be, but for me it means that I live it, that I love it. That I don't let it pass me by. That I don't let fears stop me. That I don't get stuck in "what will people think?" "what will I look like?" "what if I am wrong?" and on and on.
So, my reminder as to whether I am doing my "job" right is to remember, Its not about what I can get but what I can give, and then everything makes sense again!
It is not about me! Sometimes, I forget about that and I get stuck in the how can I make money zone. How can I push these services to make income? I really want to buy new clothes! I want to eat at that yummy restaurant whenever I want without thinking about the debt it is causing me! I want to fly to visit my family for the holidays and not think about the financial cost of it! Those thoughts are all normal. I do not feel guilty or wrong for having those thoughts, but really they don't serve me or my mission.
Everything that I do, everything that I share whether it be a recipe, one of my favorite companies, a quote that inspires me, or a look into my head, is all because no matter how different we are, we are all the same, and I want you to succeed in life, just as much as I want to succeed in life. What does that mean, succeed in life? Does that mean win a medal? Be rich and famous? It may be, but for me it means that I live it, that I love it. That I don't let it pass me by. That I don't let fears stop me. That I don't get stuck in "what will people think?" "what will I look like?" "what if I am wrong?" and on and on.
So, my reminder as to whether I am doing my "job" right is to remember, Its not about what I can get but what I can give, and then everything makes sense again!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
dancing, singing, free to be me.
I love to sing and I love to dance, but these are things that I kept a secret for years. Truly, growing up a imagined myself to by a top country music singer. My dad listened to a lot of Reba, Tanya Tucker, and Trisha Yearwood when I was young and I would take Reba to my room and belt my heart out with her.
I was also lucky enough to have MTV growing up, that was when they actually showed music videos. I studied the videos intently and taped them on VHS so that I could work on my moves more. I have vivid memories of staring at myself re-enacting full music videos in my mirrored closet doors.
When my dad bought a video camera, I convinced him to record my own music videos, complete with choreography. Maybe, I will dig up those tapes and post my "Blame it on the Rain" and "Kokomo" on youtube for you to enjoy (i.e. laugh your head off).
All this being said, I would not be caught dead singing in public. I did not sing along in church. I did not sing along in school. I did not sing along in the car with friends. Even though I really, really wanted to! I was afraid! I did not want to be judged. I did not want anyone to tell me that I was not good.
Over the years I have slowly gotten over this. In high school you could find me at the school dances not on the dance floor, but hanging with the boys that were too cool to dance, too. In college, I did show off my skills at some parties but pretty much only doing goofy moves to make people laugh. Or there were the times that I was so stoned that I did the same move over and over for about 2 hours in time with the music. Yep, that was fun.
In 2008, when we were preparing to go on a promo tour for Jason Mraz's last album with "Lucky" on it, I actually practiced in the privacy of my own car thinking that I could help Jason and take the female part on that song because there were not going to be any other girls on tour with us at that time ( I was his monitor engineer at the time). I even attempted to record myself to see how I really sounded, because I am pretty sure that my voice is average to say the least. But what if it actually was good enough to be heard by others? In the end, I told myself that my average voice would not be good enough so didn't bring the idea up.
Just last year, in 2009, do I feel like I actually started to dance when I wanted to dance, how I wanted to dance, where I wanted to dance and I remember it feeling so freeing! Honestly, it was the hula hooping that got me over the fear of dancing and that was not easy for me to learn, either. But, I chose to commit myself to trying it over and over again no matter how much it dropped and how stupid I thought I may look. I started to tell people that I felt that hula hooping was a type of therapy because I really had to let go of what I looked like. Oh and now some people consider me a professional hula hooper....
Today, now, I love to sing and dance and be free and not worry if it is "good enough". I am not seriously trying to be the next Mariah Carey or Colbie Caillat for that matter, but if I want to sing, if I want to dance, I am allowed to do that! Sure, people may judge me. BIG DEAL! If I sing along or dance my way or not, the truth is there will always be someone there to judge me. I am no longer letting that stop me!
By the way...this doesn't mean that I plan on singing "Lucky" or any other song on stage, this is just me tapping into how much I really love these things and realizing how much I have stifled them over the years because of the fear of how I might look or sound. Sing! Dance! Be Free! and Be yourself!
I was also lucky enough to have MTV growing up, that was when they actually showed music videos. I studied the videos intently and taped them on VHS so that I could work on my moves more. I have vivid memories of staring at myself re-enacting full music videos in my mirrored closet doors.
When my dad bought a video camera, I convinced him to record my own music videos, complete with choreography. Maybe, I will dig up those tapes and post my "Blame it on the Rain" and "Kokomo" on youtube for you to enjoy (i.e. laugh your head off).
All this being said, I would not be caught dead singing in public. I did not sing along in church. I did not sing along in school. I did not sing along in the car with friends. Even though I really, really wanted to! I was afraid! I did not want to be judged. I did not want anyone to tell me that I was not good.
Over the years I have slowly gotten over this. In high school you could find me at the school dances not on the dance floor, but hanging with the boys that were too cool to dance, too. In college, I did show off my skills at some parties but pretty much only doing goofy moves to make people laugh. Or there were the times that I was so stoned that I did the same move over and over for about 2 hours in time with the music. Yep, that was fun.
In 2008, when we were preparing to go on a promo tour for Jason Mraz's last album with "Lucky" on it, I actually practiced in the privacy of my own car thinking that I could help Jason and take the female part on that song because there were not going to be any other girls on tour with us at that time ( I was his monitor engineer at the time). I even attempted to record myself to see how I really sounded, because I am pretty sure that my voice is average to say the least. But what if it actually was good enough to be heard by others? In the end, I told myself that my average voice would not be good enough so didn't bring the idea up.
Just last year, in 2009, do I feel like I actually started to dance when I wanted to dance, how I wanted to dance, where I wanted to dance and I remember it feeling so freeing! Honestly, it was the hula hooping that got me over the fear of dancing and that was not easy for me to learn, either. But, I chose to commit myself to trying it over and over again no matter how much it dropped and how stupid I thought I may look. I started to tell people that I felt that hula hooping was a type of therapy because I really had to let go of what I looked like. Oh and now some people consider me a professional hula hooper....
Today, now, I love to sing and dance and be free and not worry if it is "good enough". I am not seriously trying to be the next Mariah Carey or Colbie Caillat for that matter, but if I want to sing, if I want to dance, I am allowed to do that! Sure, people may judge me. BIG DEAL! If I sing along or dance my way or not, the truth is there will always be someone there to judge me. I am no longer letting that stop me!
By the way...this doesn't mean that I plan on singing "Lucky" or any other song on stage, this is just me tapping into how much I really love these things and realizing how much I have stifled them over the years because of the fear of how I might look or sound. Sing! Dance! Be Free! and Be yourself!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
the warrioress
I am perfectly content and I am perfectly still. I am sitting on my yoga bolster, on top of two yoga mats that create a makeshift rug. I lean back against my over-sized floor pillows that I have propped against the wall with the blanket I bought in India thrown across me. I am cozy. I am still. It is not just that my body in motionless and that my sweater and the blanket are supplying me with the perfect amount of coziness, my brain is still, too. Wow, does that feel amazing and now that I am present to it, I know it has been a very long time since this happened last, this stillness.
I have been taking some amazing yoga classes lately, honestly, the best in my life. Yesterday’s started out with the teacher saying he was going to kill us. That he really wanted a part of us to die today. He said he was going to push us. He kept repeating it, “I want you to die today." He said that he wanted us to transcend and in order to that a part of us must die.
His class was hard, he did push and yet, I have never felt more peaceful. His push allowed me to push myself past all of my thoughts, to push past pain and really commit. I knew that I was in control of mind and that it was not controlling me. I was able to fully be there and to smile with the grace the entire time as sweat dripped off me and into my eyes. I was able to fully be there, even with my muscles burning and my breath never stopped. I was fully present.
I know that I can take it, whatever it may be. I am a warrioress and not one that is bound in armor with knives in hand ready to battle. I am the warrioress that is completely vulnerable and that only makes me stronger. I am strong, I am passionate, but I am also open. I fight back, but with compassion. My warrior powers rest in the fact that my heart and my soul shine through every fiber of my being.
You can break me, because breaking me, just opens me more. Parts of me will die and new parts will be birthed. I am not defined. I am not cast yet. I am evolving before your eyes and before my very own.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
open to tour and not to tour
Well, tour happened!
When I am in it, I am in it. And, I was in it. Did I have intentions to make more regular entries to my website? yes. Did I plan to shoot a ton of video? Yes. Did I actually create time and space for those things once I landed on the road? NOPE. Oh well! I apologize for not fulfilling those wishes of mine, whether you expected them or not.
It turned out to be a little test tour for me, as well as Jason (Mraz). He was out testing new songs for the next album, and I unknowingly was testing out how to balance the job I created for him and the brand I am creating for myself which includes supplying my website with constant content of inspiration, health, and more.
I hadn’t planned on returning to tour. When I really got into creating my site (after returning home from tour with Colbie Caillat) my creativity was and still is exploding as to how I can reach the vastness of who we all are. How can I be of service to all in sharing my passion? I have created services of a wide variety and I am constantly thinking of more, but tour? I had forgotten about tour!
Tour is home to me. No matter how many times I say I am ready to be in one place, when I arrive on the road it is the most natural thing in the world to me. No matter how different each year is, no matter how different the personnel is, no matter who the artist is, touring is my most normal state I have come to find out.
All of last year I kept telling myself and others that I thought it would be my last tour, I didn’t know what I else I would do, but I was no longer attached to being on tour. I no longer wanted it to define me. I took time off to be in one place, to create, to explore what I wanted to be. Once I was able to see that I did not have to be defined by being on the road that I was just as happy in one place, it opened me back up to it. Not because I needed it, or craved it, but because I knew that I had something to share, that my service and I are valuable to the road. I wasn’t doing it because it was all that I knew, but because I wanted to offer my service and be of service.
I was so surprised to find new excitement for being on tour and with a new client (with Colbie), and a whole new group of people. I immersed myself in it and frankly didn’t want to go home when the tour ended. But it did end and I did go home where I was then inspired to finally get my website going and to not put myself back on the tour market until after it was up. I got so immersed in my new creation and services that I forgot that the tour world existed, until I was called back into it.
Once again, I was surprised to how easily I settled back into being on tour, but during the length of the tour I made a point to be clear that I was not sure if I will want to be touring past these dates. I have big plans for myself as YOUR JOYOLOGIST! I have so much to offer, so many possibilities of how to be spread my message, and I didn’t see how touring could fit into that.
As tour went along, I did start to open myself up to the possibility of touring again next year. It is home, I do love it, but is it too comfortable? Will I be giving up on all of the other things that I want to create? Is touring too easy for me? When these thoughts come up, I remind myself that I do not have to make a choice right now in this moment. I don’t even know if touring next year is a definite option, that world is highly subject to change.
It is all possible. I am now back home and back pursuing all of my many ideas. I am putting myself into the world in many ways. I am back to regularly updating my website. I am keeping myself open and available for touring, but I am not avidly pursuing it. If touring next year does happen I will commit to being connected to both that world and this new one I am working to create. It is entirely possible to be in both worlds at once, I just have to stay committed to both and create the time and space while I am on the road.
I am working whole-heartedly for it all. I am open. I am of service. I am listening to myself. I am one with myself and all that surrounds me.
And above all, I am grateful!!!!!! What a life! What a freaking, life!
When I am in it, I am in it. And, I was in it. Did I have intentions to make more regular entries to my website? yes. Did I plan to shoot a ton of video? Yes. Did I actually create time and space for those things once I landed on the road? NOPE. Oh well! I apologize for not fulfilling those wishes of mine, whether you expected them or not.
It turned out to be a little test tour for me, as well as Jason (Mraz). He was out testing new songs for the next album, and I unknowingly was testing out how to balance the job I created for him and the brand I am creating for myself which includes supplying my website with constant content of inspiration, health, and more.
I hadn’t planned on returning to tour. When I really got into creating my site (after returning home from tour with Colbie Caillat) my creativity was and still is exploding as to how I can reach the vastness of who we all are. How can I be of service to all in sharing my passion? I have created services of a wide variety and I am constantly thinking of more, but tour? I had forgotten about tour!
Tour is home to me. No matter how many times I say I am ready to be in one place, when I arrive on the road it is the most natural thing in the world to me. No matter how different each year is, no matter how different the personnel is, no matter who the artist is, touring is my most normal state I have come to find out.
All of last year I kept telling myself and others that I thought it would be my last tour, I didn’t know what I else I would do, but I was no longer attached to being on tour. I no longer wanted it to define me. I took time off to be in one place, to create, to explore what I wanted to be. Once I was able to see that I did not have to be defined by being on the road that I was just as happy in one place, it opened me back up to it. Not because I needed it, or craved it, but because I knew that I had something to share, that my service and I are valuable to the road. I wasn’t doing it because it was all that I knew, but because I wanted to offer my service and be of service.
I was so surprised to find new excitement for being on tour and with a new client (with Colbie), and a whole new group of people. I immersed myself in it and frankly didn’t want to go home when the tour ended. But it did end and I did go home where I was then inspired to finally get my website going and to not put myself back on the tour market until after it was up. I got so immersed in my new creation and services that I forgot that the tour world existed, until I was called back into it.
Once again, I was surprised to how easily I settled back into being on tour, but during the length of the tour I made a point to be clear that I was not sure if I will want to be touring past these dates. I have big plans for myself as YOUR JOYOLOGIST! I have so much to offer, so many possibilities of how to be spread my message, and I didn’t see how touring could fit into that.
As tour went along, I did start to open myself up to the possibility of touring again next year. It is home, I do love it, but is it too comfortable? Will I be giving up on all of the other things that I want to create? Is touring too easy for me? When these thoughts come up, I remind myself that I do not have to make a choice right now in this moment. I don’t even know if touring next year is a definite option, that world is highly subject to change.
It is all possible. I am now back home and back pursuing all of my many ideas. I am putting myself into the world in many ways. I am back to regularly updating my website. I am keeping myself open and available for touring, but I am not avidly pursuing it. If touring next year does happen I will commit to being connected to both that world and this new one I am working to create. It is entirely possible to be in both worlds at once, I just have to stay committed to both and create the time and space while I am on the road.
I am working whole-heartedly for it all. I am open. I am of service. I am listening to myself. I am one with myself and all that surrounds me.
And above all, I am grateful!!!!!! What a life! What a freaking, life!
Friday, October 15, 2010
something lost, but is anything really missing?
Realizing that something is missing is not the funnest game in the world, but it does bring a lot of stuff to the surface for me.
On the last day on tour from a month long jaunt I have found myself with some spare time in my luxury hotel room at the Wynn casino. After getting a little sleep from our late night flight, I choose to go through all of my luggage to prep for the departure from tour the next day. For four weeks we rode on our tour busses and for the last two dates we flew. I had re-arranged my bags for the flights, making a point to secure items and find proper homes for items that I did want to lose, including cash that had built up from reimubursements and cash per diems for each week.
I am not a fan of carrying cash around. I do not favor large bills, I usually choose to use my debit card and carry just enough cash for those times when it is neccessary. On the road, I buy things for the tour with my credit card and then turn in a stack of reciepts to be reimbursed. I had waited until close to the end of tour to turn the reciepts in, to avoid having the cash in my possession. Traveling from city to city at night on a tour bus and waking up to start each day in a new town in a new venue doesn't leave much room for me to find my bank and deposit the cash. So, it was all coming home with me. The money added up to give me the security deposit and more for a new apartment in NYC. I was beyond excited to get back and secure a home of my own.
I purposely placed the money in a separate pocket in my backpack in an envelope. Not wanting to put it all in my wallet or even my purse, figuring that if someone is on the search for money that is where they will go first. Or if I somehow happen to lose my wallet on my own, I don't want to lose all my identification, credit cards, and a wad of cash all at once.
We flew from Quebec City to Toronto to LAX. Took a hired bus to Santa Barbara. Checked into lovely rooms off the beach. Checked out and brought all my gear to the Santa Barbara Bowl where it sat in the dressing room and took a private night flight to Las Vegas, where I discovered my envelope was still where I had placed it but it was empty!!!!! I wanted to throw up. I don't have financial security and I am about to sign a lease for a decent rent payment. This was a good chunk of money. Where did it go? What did I do wrong? Why didn't I check it earlier? When did this happen?
I checked all of my other bags in all pockets and folders. I looked everywhere and anywhere, but I knew that I had not moved the money myself and if I had then I would have moved the envelope too, not have left it empty and alone in the odd pocket that I never use in my backpack. The bag was with me on the flights, it was in my hotel room that a maid never entered and it was in the dressing room. The backstage area was the busiest it has been that day, but I was almost always around. Did someone really take it? How would they have found it? There was so much other stuff around too that they could have taken. Was the money really stolen, could it really have been stolen? YIYIYI.
I was sobbing with disgust. I was disgusted with myself. How could I have let this happen? How irresponsible of me! I hadn't had a good cry in a while and I love a good cry, I love the release, whether it stems from bliss, fear, sadness, etc. I thought, "Well, at least I am getting in a good sob, but I really don't like that it is over money."
I didn't have much time to sit in my tears, as I had to get my butt ready to get to work, to be the joyologist in action. Yes, it absolutely, 100% sucks that the money is gone. No matter how it happened, what happened, when it happened, the story is that it happened. I can re-think my steps, I can tell myself what I did wrong in making sure that this didn't happen, but it did. Next time I have a wad of money, yes, I will make sure to go out of my way to get it to the bank asap, but what is done is done. I did act with intention in putting it in what I thought was a safe spot. I don't want to believe that someone took it, but I also don't know how else it could be missing. It just is.
I tell myself that it was my rent payment to the universe for the past month, as I did not pay rent anywhere, except my storage unit. I also get present to the reality that I was not planned to come on this tour, to make any of this income at all, so regardless of losing this money, I am coming back to NYC ahead and with some financial security for me to secure an apartment in my name. The feeling of disgust is not completely gone away, tears are still on tap, but I am present to what I do have.
I go down to the lobby to meet my tourmates and I don't want to tell anyone about the loss of money because A) I don't want to look like an idiot in losing so much money, B) don't want their sympathy, I am provided for and I know it, C) it happened, it is not happening now, what will telling them do? But, there is a part of me that hopes one of them took it as a joke? I have no idea how that would be possible, as no one knew I had that much money on me and it wasn't as if I had a known hiding spot that I regularly put money, but hey you never know???
I chose to tell our tour manager and a regular guest of our tour party who had joined us in Santa Barbara and flew to Vegas with us. It turns out that the guest had money missing too. Money that she had specifically taken out of her wallet and into a separate spot too. We figured it must have happened in the dressing room the night before. The word spread through the tour party and through my friends not on tour (I had text vented to a bestie when I first realized the money was gone). I didn't really want the attention because I was still turning it into something I did wrong and it just plain sucks to be reminded that it was gone.
I was so overwhelmed with the love that was coming at me though, from friends of all levels. So many people stepped up to offer me support emotionally and offered to loan me money if I need it. They knew that money was a big deal for me that I had plans for it (who wouldn't? it was a good amount!) My eyes filled with tears each time someone reached out to me and this time, not tears of sadness, loss, frustration, but tears of overwhelming gratitude and love. I kept telling myself that the universe always provides, that everything will work out, but I forgot about what I do have. Not the material things, not the other money that I have in the bank, but the people. Not just the ones that are offering me financial support if it comes to that, but really everyone.
I am present to all the love in my life, no matter how it is expressed. You may not even be aware of the love that I receive from you because love doesn't have to look like approval. Love doesn't have to be constant contact. Love isn't defined by connection. Love doesn't have rules. Love is all around. Love is in doors opening and doors being slammed shut. Love is in static space and reactive space. Love doesn't stop or turn away, it is our attention to it that diminishes.
I am filled with gratitude and love. You each make a difference. You each are love expressing.
On the last day on tour from a month long jaunt I have found myself with some spare time in my luxury hotel room at the Wynn casino. After getting a little sleep from our late night flight, I choose to go through all of my luggage to prep for the departure from tour the next day. For four weeks we rode on our tour busses and for the last two dates we flew. I had re-arranged my bags for the flights, making a point to secure items and find proper homes for items that I did want to lose, including cash that had built up from reimubursements and cash per diems for each week.
I am not a fan of carrying cash around. I do not favor large bills, I usually choose to use my debit card and carry just enough cash for those times when it is neccessary. On the road, I buy things for the tour with my credit card and then turn in a stack of reciepts to be reimbursed. I had waited until close to the end of tour to turn the reciepts in, to avoid having the cash in my possession. Traveling from city to city at night on a tour bus and waking up to start each day in a new town in a new venue doesn't leave much room for me to find my bank and deposit the cash. So, it was all coming home with me. The money added up to give me the security deposit and more for a new apartment in NYC. I was beyond excited to get back and secure a home of my own.
I purposely placed the money in a separate pocket in my backpack in an envelope. Not wanting to put it all in my wallet or even my purse, figuring that if someone is on the search for money that is where they will go first. Or if I somehow happen to lose my wallet on my own, I don't want to lose all my identification, credit cards, and a wad of cash all at once.
We flew from Quebec City to Toronto to LAX. Took a hired bus to Santa Barbara. Checked into lovely rooms off the beach. Checked out and brought all my gear to the Santa Barbara Bowl where it sat in the dressing room and took a private night flight to Las Vegas, where I discovered my envelope was still where I had placed it but it was empty!!!!! I wanted to throw up. I don't have financial security and I am about to sign a lease for a decent rent payment. This was a good chunk of money. Where did it go? What did I do wrong? Why didn't I check it earlier? When did this happen?
I checked all of my other bags in all pockets and folders. I looked everywhere and anywhere, but I knew that I had not moved the money myself and if I had then I would have moved the envelope too, not have left it empty and alone in the odd pocket that I never use in my backpack. The bag was with me on the flights, it was in my hotel room that a maid never entered and it was in the dressing room. The backstage area was the busiest it has been that day, but I was almost always around. Did someone really take it? How would they have found it? There was so much other stuff around too that they could have taken. Was the money really stolen, could it really have been stolen? YIYIYI.
I was sobbing with disgust. I was disgusted with myself. How could I have let this happen? How irresponsible of me! I hadn't had a good cry in a while and I love a good cry, I love the release, whether it stems from bliss, fear, sadness, etc. I thought, "Well, at least I am getting in a good sob, but I really don't like that it is over money."
I didn't have much time to sit in my tears, as I had to get my butt ready to get to work, to be the joyologist in action. Yes, it absolutely, 100% sucks that the money is gone. No matter how it happened, what happened, when it happened, the story is that it happened. I can re-think my steps, I can tell myself what I did wrong in making sure that this didn't happen, but it did. Next time I have a wad of money, yes, I will make sure to go out of my way to get it to the bank asap, but what is done is done. I did act with intention in putting it in what I thought was a safe spot. I don't want to believe that someone took it, but I also don't know how else it could be missing. It just is.
I tell myself that it was my rent payment to the universe for the past month, as I did not pay rent anywhere, except my storage unit. I also get present to the reality that I was not planned to come on this tour, to make any of this income at all, so regardless of losing this money, I am coming back to NYC ahead and with some financial security for me to secure an apartment in my name. The feeling of disgust is not completely gone away, tears are still on tap, but I am present to what I do have.
I go down to the lobby to meet my tourmates and I don't want to tell anyone about the loss of money because A) I don't want to look like an idiot in losing so much money, B) don't want their sympathy, I am provided for and I know it, C) it happened, it is not happening now, what will telling them do? But, there is a part of me that hopes one of them took it as a joke? I have no idea how that would be possible, as no one knew I had that much money on me and it wasn't as if I had a known hiding spot that I regularly put money, but hey you never know???
I chose to tell our tour manager and a regular guest of our tour party who had joined us in Santa Barbara and flew to Vegas with us. It turns out that the guest had money missing too. Money that she had specifically taken out of her wallet and into a separate spot too. We figured it must have happened in the dressing room the night before. The word spread through the tour party and through my friends not on tour (I had text vented to a bestie when I first realized the money was gone). I didn't really want the attention because I was still turning it into something I did wrong and it just plain sucks to be reminded that it was gone.
I was so overwhelmed with the love that was coming at me though, from friends of all levels. So many people stepped up to offer me support emotionally and offered to loan me money if I need it. They knew that money was a big deal for me that I had plans for it (who wouldn't? it was a good amount!) My eyes filled with tears each time someone reached out to me and this time, not tears of sadness, loss, frustration, but tears of overwhelming gratitude and love. I kept telling myself that the universe always provides, that everything will work out, but I forgot about what I do have. Not the material things, not the other money that I have in the bank, but the people. Not just the ones that are offering me financial support if it comes to that, but really everyone.
I am present to all the love in my life, no matter how it is expressed. You may not even be aware of the love that I receive from you because love doesn't have to look like approval. Love doesn't have to be constant contact. Love isn't defined by connection. Love doesn't have rules. Love is all around. Love is in doors opening and doors being slammed shut. Love is in static space and reactive space. Love doesn't stop or turn away, it is our attention to it that diminishes.
I am filled with gratitude and love. You each make a difference. You each are love expressing.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
A skilled listener
I used to think I had it all figured out. I used to spout of my words as if they were THE DIVINE TRUTH. Every memory that I had was 100% accurate. Every thing that I believed was 100% true. I would still listen to others, but I don't take it in. My way, my view, my version was more right than theirs. I didn't need to win them over, they were totally allowed their views, but mine were better. I didn't need to hear theirs.
Now, looking back, I feel as if I just truly learned the definition of listen last year. Before, maybe my version of listening, was to allow someone else to speak, while trying not to interupt (which I usually failed at, not interupting that is). I was able to work out the not interupting part, but then I was just waiting for the other person to stop talking so I could get back to my view. Did I actually take in what they were saying, though?
Now that true listening has come into my life and way of being, I am more present to what a lost skill this is in today's day and age. Did I just call listening a skill? I did, and I do believe this to be true. Conversation is huge and it is really so powerful. Imagine all of the amazing possibilities that can open up in your life and in the world, by having truthful, fully participated conversations. Where all parties are speaking for themselves, listening to themselves on the inside and then sharing it, and the other parties are actively listening. We don't all have to agree. Not everything is for everyone, but I say a truer listening will allow each of us to diver deeper into ourselves and what we can become as people and in the bigger picture of our vast community on this earth.
Now, looking back, I feel as if I just truly learned the definition of listen last year. Before, maybe my version of listening, was to allow someone else to speak, while trying not to interupt (which I usually failed at, not interupting that is). I was able to work out the not interupting part, but then I was just waiting for the other person to stop talking so I could get back to my view. Did I actually take in what they were saying, though?
Now that true listening has come into my life and way of being, I am more present to what a lost skill this is in today's day and age. Did I just call listening a skill? I did, and I do believe this to be true. Conversation is huge and it is really so powerful. Imagine all of the amazing possibilities that can open up in your life and in the world, by having truthful, fully participated conversations. Where all parties are speaking for themselves, listening to themselves on the inside and then sharing it, and the other parties are actively listening. We don't all have to agree. Not everything is for everyone, but I say a truer listening will allow each of us to diver deeper into ourselves and what we can become as people and in the bigger picture of our vast community on this earth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
