right here, right now

My walls are still bare. Once again, I am living in a space that I have not decorated at all. Is this my resistance to settle? I do want things on my walls, I do. I don't know how. I was withholding from spending any money, so I want to blame my bare walls on that, but I bet even if I had money to spend my walls would still be bare. I am so used to having collapsible plans. Do you want to see how fast it will take me to pack up all of my belongings and move out? I bet I can do it an hour. Two hours would be more accommodating, but I bet I can do it in one.

When I go to other people’s homes, my mouth drops in awe of how much of a home they have made for themselves. They have personalized their space. It is cozy and full. I have a 325 sq ft studio that is quite empty. Its not that I just want things to make it look full, but I do want it to be mine. I want it to be more than an extended stay lay-over hotel room.

Maybe, I just don’t know what that looks like? Maybe I am so used to floating and morphing and transforming that I have no idea what Tricia’s space looks like. I keep going back to money. Well, if I just had a fat checking account, I would go crazy. This place would be styled out! But, really, would it?

I do have ideas now. I want to get pillows and make a little sitting corner. I bought a desk and a table and chair set, but I most often end up sitting on my bed or making a picnic on the carpet. I planned to make a little alter when I moved in and I did, but it turned into my nightstand and is mostly a place where I place my water and tea when I am in bed. I want to move my stones and personal pieces to somewhere that I can sit in front of.

I am doing it tomorrow. I am going to change my space. I don’t know anything about feng shui, but I am going to do my own version of it tomorrow. I want to put things on the walls. Really, I do. I will keep my eye out for whatever calls to me (within a budget of course). I want to make this mine. I don’t know how long it will be mine, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot make it mine for now, right now. Cause that is what I got. I got now.

available for change.

Today is a full moon.  It is the first day of my cleanse and mercury is in retrograde. I feel change on the rise.  Its one of those times when I would go completely change the color of my hair, do something bold, for all to see.  I am not going to change my hair color (I am a re-covering color-aholic.  I am 18 months clean from die jobs and happy.) but I feel that energy.  I want to re-arrange my little studio.  I want to move all of my furnishings around.  There isn’t much space, but I want to transform the space. 

A new tattoo, perhaps?   I was just brushing my teeth and caught a glimpse of the one that started it all.  I got it when I was 17 on the final day of exams from my junior year in high school.  I spent the entire day memorizing my sister’s social security number in case they questioned the ID I was using (hers).  Even as the needle was pressing into my spine, I recited the number.  I am pretty sure that I still remember it today.

I had made pseudo-plans with myself to catch the sunset today, but pretty much missed it.  I looked onto my balcony to see a tad bit of light outside.  Even though I knew I had missed the big bulb of orange disappearing into the ocean, I still had an urge to go stand on the sand.  So, I grabbed a sweater and a hat (it’s chilly here on the beach) and ran down the stairs to my breathtaking backyard.  A storm is brewing out there.  The wind is so strong that it is blowing sand up into my face. The ocean is wild, with waves knocking into each other in all directions.  I can not find the moon, but I can feel it’s energy. 

I brought my phone down to take a picture, I press the camera button on it and the screen goes black with a little death symbol.  Perfect, for mercury retrograde and the full moon.  I place the phone down on a rock and take myself to the foot of the water.  I just want to take in this incredible energy.  This incredible force that nature is. 

Change it is a brewing.  I don’t know what it looks like, but I am open and available for it!  I love change!

Coachable

Today, I started the real cleanse part of my cleanse. I ordered Healthforce Nutritionals Level 3 Cleanse, because I love the company and their products. It is all stuff that I am familiar with and I know that they use the most high quality ingredients and processes. There isn’t a lot to do but at the same time there is a lot to do. Upon waking, drink this, then don’t eat for this amount of time. With breakfast take this and this and drink this. Then wait one hour, and drink this, and so on for the rest of the day.

I normally don’t eat anything before I go to yoga, just have some water and tea. Lately, I have been frequenting a 10:15am yoga class, so I in order to make all of these cleanse checkpoints I woke up at 6:30am to get started with drinking this and taking that. I honestly forgot that on this type of cleanse, you want to make sure that a toilet is quickly accessible. I started to make up that I was not going to be able to leave the house at all. Was this just an excuse of laziness, to escape having to bike to yoga? I know that yoga will be amazing. It will open up lots of stuckness that is around without me even knowing it. I am going to yoga.

Then my mind spun to the weekend. I am volunteering as support for the Kindred Spirits workshop. How am I going to be able to do this? How am I going to take all of this stuff all day long, while I am there? I will have to take all of it with me!??!??!! Do I need to stop the cleanse for those days? Do I just stop right now and re-start it on Monday? What am I going to do? Ok, there is always going to be something, if I stop now and re-start on Monday there will be something next week that I will want to go to. Am I just going to lock myself in my house for the entire week? No, I will do this cleanse now. I really want to do it. I can do it now. I will take all of this stuff with me. Its easy, Tricia, it will work out fine. I can do the cleanse and be there as support, all I have to do is tell myself that I am doing it, that I can do it, and it will all work.

I hop on my bike for yoga and feel good but not completely excited to be going to yoga. I am talking myself into it. When the doors to the room open, I choose a spot in the back in case I need to run to the Ladies Room. One of my favorite teachers at this studio is leading the class today. I don’t remember why she is one of my favorites, but I am happy to have her leading me today.

The class starts and within the first three minutes I want to get up and leave. Really, I want to walk out the door and go home. I feel okay physically. It is not that I need to run to the bathroom, or feel nauseous or weak. I feel fine physically, not amazing, but fine. I am just mentally not available. I am resistant. I am being un-coachable. I can barely hear what the teacher is guiding me to do because my monkey brain is so loud. There is all sorts of chatter happening. I am planning out what I am going to eat and drink today. I remember that I have a new movie from Netflix that I want to watch. I am writing this blog in my head, while moving from cat to cow.

I get present to this monkey mind that I have right now and remember to concentrate on my breathing. Have I been breathing? Obviously I have been breathing, I am alive, but have I been using my Ujjayi breathing? Have I been flowing with my breath? I honestly have no idea. Okay, so start now.

I am moving and really trying to stay focused on my breathing, but I am still being totally un-coachable. I even start to judge the teacher for not guiding my breath. I think, “ Well, no wonder I am not sticking to my breathing, she isn’t giving breathing cues. What is wrong with these teachers? Why don’t they give breathing cues?” I am letting up all sorts of anger and judgments come up for various teachers that I have gone to in the past 6 months. I am just judging away, as I am practicing vinyasa flow yoga. I get present to myself, right there in the class, to my judgments, to my uncoachability and smile to myself. I smile because I have totally caught myself and I am now going to breathe through it for real. I am back in the class. I am allowing myself to be led. I am allowing myself to be coached. I hear her giving breathing cues along with the transitions (she has been the whole time, I was just not listening). I coach myself to be open, to open myself up. I breathe deeper into the poses. I breathe into where discomfort shows up.

At the end of class, she guides us into double pigeon, a big hip opener. I have tight hips, so I am not able to go very deep, but I stick with it and stick with my breathing. I am 100% open to the pose and to what comes up. I flash back to how sitting in hip openers used to be so hard for me. I would fidget and come in and out of the pose, my body and mind screaming with discomfort, but not anymore. I am able to tap into that pain and discomfort, to accept it and know that it will pass.

This realization reminded me of a passage I read last year from the book After the Ecstasy, the Laundry titled Removing the Scales of the Body. One woman wrote “Only when I finally learned to let even the deepest pain be okay, and hold it with kindness, did it begin to release.”

After class, all is shiny and new again. I am confident that I will rock this cleanse and that I will be able to do all parts of it no matter where my days take me.  I am excited to see what will come up, now that I am creating this space for it to. I am cleansing it all.  I am open for coaching in all forms.

past resistance.

Today was my forth day in a row of yoga. I used to practice yoga everyday or at least 5 times a week. Since tour ended in December my practice has been quite spotty. I traveled around to visit friends and didn’t make it a priority. In India, I practiced daily, but then I got sick, real sick, and could barely move. Once I moved into my own place, I started to go to some local studios and practice on my own. I was figuring out which studio I wanted to sign up with (monthly unlimited packages are the best deals) or if I was just going to practice on my own. I love my own practice, but motivating myself to do it is a struggle most days and I really do love being led through classes. I found my favorite local studio that I can bike to (a must) but then just didn’t go. I was suddenly in love with my mornings.

In the history of me and yoga, I have almost always practiced in the morning, but that is really the only time that I could. I would go to 6am classes and then go to work for 14 hours or such. Even when evening classes were available to me, it just didn’t make sense for me. I like it in the morning. I love to have it be the start of my day. Now though, I like to wake up and have tea and write. I don’t want to rush out the door and riding my bike 2.5 miles to yoga is different than slumping into a car to get there. I would tell myself that I will just go later, and most of the time that didn’t happen.

So anyhoo. I have been getting on a roll, going to classes regularly, feeling strong again and then I go out of town miss two days and then have a hard time motivating myself again. Motivating myself to stop what I am doing, to wake up earlier, to plan my eating times (I can not eat 3 hours before yoga), to leave my little love nest to do this amazing practice for my body and my mind. I am now choosing to get back on the yoga train.

Today, Day 4, I find myself so resistant. I go to a 10am class and don’t want to open my mouth to say hello. I don’t want to turn the corners of my mouth up to smile. I want to listen to the teacher, but I don’t. I am resisting. What? I really have no freaking clue. So, I just notice my resistance and turn my intention to breathing into the resistance. I inhale love. I exhale resistance. I inhale peace. I exhale resistance. I inhale space. I exhale resistance. When I notice that I am not breathing or that I am resisting a pose, I go deeper and I smile to myself. I don’t force resistance out. I work with that resistance. I have compassion for my resistance, not sympathy, but compassion. Resistance, I realize that you may think you are protecting me from something, but it is ok, I can handle whatever it is. I am ready to expose whatever you are covering for. I appreciate your protection, but lets just shed it away now, okay?

open for cleaning.

As soon as I made the commitment to myself yesterday to do a cleanse, I started to feel the effects of cleansing. I only wanted raw foods. The pizza that I have been craving suddenly appeared as gross. I was making runs to the bathroom. My emotions were heightened. I just felt like I needed to get shit out. What have I been resisting?

When I first came back from India I told myself that when I would embark on a cleanse to make sure the parasite was really gone. I looked into Alkaline Cleanses, but never took it on. I thought about a juice cleanse, I have done them before (and The Master Cleanse), but I was not up for that. I wanted to have some food. As the months passed, the thought of doing a cleanse kept coming up for me, but not sticking.  Terces, goddess of Cafe Gratitude, leads a juice fast for the first 7 days of every month.  I told her, in person, that I was going to embark on it, but only did 2 half days.  Sarma, the raw queen of One Lucky Duck and Pure Food and Wine, has been sending twitter updates while on a cleanse, which motivated me, but not enough.  Melissa of Sexy Food Therapy is leading a cleanse where she posts recipes and even gives you a grocery list and I still did not want to commit.  I have been living by the rule that I have no rules. By following a cleanse, I would be following rules. I created that a cleanse was a good thing to do, but I really was not up for doing one. I really did not want to do one.

Instead of cleansing I chose to indulge. I ordered the delicious gluten-free vegan pizza and tacos. I cuddled under the covers late in the day instead of waking for yoga. I let myself do this and I enjoyed all of it. But now I am ready. Now, I want to cleanse. Now, I want to peel back these layers some more. I want to be more vulnerable. I want to see what comes up when I tell myself no. I still see nothing wrong with indulging, I see nothing wrong with drinking some wine, but I want to see what happens when I say, “No, Tricia no wine for you this week.” I don’t even drink wine every week, but something about saying that I can’t have it, made me want it at 11:30 am today as I biked home from yoga class. Seriously, I really wanted to have a glass (or more) of wine at 11:30am today and AFTER practicing yoga. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but today I am saying no to wine and to more.

I am up for it now. I am cleansing. I am going to stick with my yoga practice. I am going to take lots of liver and parasite concoctions. I am going to see what comes up (and out). I am ready to take this on. I want to take this on. I want to give myself rules and I want to follow them.

a surfer.

The waves are small and shiny today. They appear to be inviting to me. I haven’t been in them for maybe months, now. Really, months? Yes, I believe the last time I went in it was February. I love to be in the water. I love to paddle around. I love to get swooped up and carried towards the shore with the grace of a wave. I love to walk on the water. I am a surfer, but I am not a surfer. Have I surfed before? Yes. Have I had surf lessons? Yes. Have I spent days after days in the ocean on a surfboard? Yes. Do I have any idea what I am doing or how to catch a wave? Nope. Do I know how to read the waves or a surf report? Not really. I can tell how big they are and that is about it.

I learned to surf in 2005 on a trip to Costa Rica. Loved it, caught on right away, came home to San Diego and did not get back on a board for 2 years. I did not know anyone that surfed and let the intimidation of the surfers keep me from going after my dream to be a surfer girl. I also spent most of my time on the road (on tour) and did not have a home, so that did not motivate me to buy a wetsuit and board, either. I finally had a friend that surfed and had a collection of boards, so I bought a cheap wetsuit and jumped in. I was still homeless and mostly on tour, but now I had a friend to go with anytime I was in town.

A year or so later, I found myself moving in with said friend and joining a little Dawn Patrol group. We would go surfing in the brisk winter mornings, rising with the sun. I started to be able to call myself a surfer, but I was always going with people. Going to the spots that they picked, paying no attention to the conditions myself, just jumping in along with them. In 2008, I spent a good amount of time home in San Diego and was able to really be a steady surfer, but still mostly went with other more experienced surfers and then in 2009 found myself back on the road again with few breaks at home to surf. The last time that I did go surfing in Oceanside, I did rock it though. I caught waves at the right points. I rode them in. I was a surfer.

In my new little home, I live right on the water (amazing!) When I moved in, I asked around and heard from many people that the spot directly behind my building is one of the best spots to surf. Guys told me they had been surfing there for 15+ years. I was stoked! Then, what I came to realize is that “the best spot” for one person, may not be “the best spot” for me. For guys that have been surfing all of their lives, "the best spot", may not be "the best spot" for someone who is still pretty much a beginner surfer.

For the first time, I am not depending on others to find the best spot, to check the conditions. I can not just follow blindly and paddle out wherever they choose. I get to learn it all for myself now. Have I let that intimidate me? Yep!

I have never been afraid of the ocean, I was afraid of people. The people on the beach and the other people on boards in the water. They are going to judge me. I don’t know what I am doing! I am so not a surfer! But, everybody has to start somewhere. Everybody is a beginner at some point. It doesn’t matter if they are watching me and judging me. Most of the time they probably aren’t noticing me anyway, they are having their own beach experience, their own surf experience. I am just in the background of their snapshot of that moment. Or maybe, they do notice me. Maybe I will inspire them. Inspire them to show their skills or inspire them to put themselves into something new. Who knows? Or maybe I will be great entertainment for them. It doesn't really matter.

Today, the waves invited me in. I was not afraid. I was just going for a paddle. If I caught a wave, radness, but I am just going for a paddle. The spot right behind my building is a spot of endless waves. Endless. They never stop. Ever. Whether they are big or small, they just keep coming. This means you have to be ready to swim through them, once you get past them, to the other side, you can have your pick of which one to ride in, but first you have to get past them. I have let this intimidate me. It it is the biggest thing that has kept me out of the water for this long, when I can easily run down my stairs and get in. Do I want to paddle my butt off just to get out there? But all I have to do is paddle out there and then I can chill until I am ready to take one. So what's the big deal?

So, today, I paddle out and get right through. I am on the other side. I try to take a few, but they are not very powerful and neither am I, today. All of a sudden I am in a place where they are endlessly coming at me again. I paddle and paddle to get past them but I am basically on a stationary surfboard. It is as if someone has set up a board in a wave pool just for me to gain paddle strength. I am paddling and paddling and not going anywhere. The waves keep coming. I keep paddling. This doesn’t frustrate me, though. I am aware that I am currently a stationary paddler, and I am cool with that. It is giving me and my arms a chance to re-connect. My legs and I have been talking a lot lately, with all of the bicycling and walking. Although, my arms are the ones guiding the handlebars, they are easily forgotten. So, I am perfectly peaceful in my stationary paddling position. I don’t care if there are people on the sand or in the water looking at me, trying to figure out if I will ever make it past the breaks or not. I am perfectly content here. If I get past the breaks and get to catch a wave or two, fabulous, but I am just happy to be in the water. This is it.

I may not be standing on my board, walking on water, but what I am doing right now is a part of surfing. Everyday the waves are not perfect. Everyday is not easy. This is a part of my learning. This is a part of my surf experience. I am being with the waves. I get that my paddling is getting me places, even if it appears that I am stationary. This is what surfing looks like for me today and I will keep coming back and keep coming back, because that is what it takes. I am being a surfer.

in wonderment

How come some nights the sound of the ocean is overwhelmingly beautiful and some nights I am not even conscious of it. I am in the coziest of surroundings right now, at home. Everything is the same as every other night, the same, but different. I have put a few drops of Chill Pill Aromatherapy in my diffuser. I have turned off the ceiling lights and just have my one Ikea soft mood floor lamp on. The smells of lavender are wafting to my bed with the breeze coming from my balcony door. I am astonished. I am overcome. I am in love. The sounds from the Ocean are so mighty, so relaxing. It is if the God’s are telling me a story to tuck me in for bed.

Every night there is a story being told by the God’s in the ocean and the air. Every night I leave my door open, but not every night is my listening tuned in to hear what they have to offer me. Is that bad? Is that wrong? That some nights I have no awareness of these beautiful symphonies. No, I say no, it is not. So, does that mean it is bad if I do notice these lullabies every night? Well, no, of course not. Tonight, I tuned in and I am overwhelmed with this simple, natural magnificence. Last night, I was not tuned in to it. I was tuned into something else and the sound of the waves was just distant background music. It’s all good.

If I choose to stop and smell every single flower, every time I see one, AMAZING. If I choose to stop and smell one flower for every 186,000 that I encounter, AMAZING. There is no rule that I have to follow for wonderment. I must not make myself feel bad for not stopping to listen to the lullabies every night. Tonight, I notice it. Tonight, I am in wonderment. Tonight is all there is. Last night doesn’t exist anymore. For all I know, I did have a moment of wonderment with the ocean noises last night and I just don’t remember because then I read an amazing story and so that has become my story for last night, that I read an amazing story (or whatever happened).

So when I find myself paused in appreciation for something, I will be with it and enjoy it and not worry about why I didn’t see it, hear it, taste it, love it before (or forgot about it). I am with it now and that is all that matters. Right now is all there is.