I am being an expression of myself in everything-even decorating.

It is quite interesting to me, this decorating and  furnishing of my own apartment.  I have had apartments to myself a few times, but I always knew they were temporary.  My last spot in Hermosa Beach I loved and I did sign a 6 month lease, but it was an escape location of sorts.  It was a little spot of my own to have when figuring out where to go next.  I did furnish it, but quite minimally.  Nothing hung on the walls, I had a glass shower door, so I didn't have to pick a shower curtain.  I used the  precious bed linen that I had put in storage at my mom's house in Cincinnati from my apartment 4 years prior (they are a high thread count, only reason I hung on to them).  The floor was carpeted so I didn't need to buy an area rug.  It was a nice minimal home on the beach.

The last time that I had my own apartment was in 2006, I had a one bedroom condo in Little Italy of San Diego.  I had more space there, but it was even less furnished.  I bought a coffee table at a yard sale and a few big cushions to place around it on the floor of the living room.  That made up the living room and in the bedroom was my bed, that was given to me by friends.  Nothing was on any walls, except for a mirror I got at Ikea that stuck to the wall.  I was in that apartment for  6 months (it was a month to month lease) before I decided to pack it all up into storage again since I was busy touring.

This time, here, now, I am older and I am in a city that I have always wanted to live.  I still don't know how long I will be here, I am not thinking about that, but I do have a year lease.  Moving from California, I brought my bedding,  my bathroom towels, a lamp, my ball desk chair, and some floor cushions along with my kitchen stuff and personal belongings.  Now, I find myself searching for an area rug and perhaps a couch.  I want to put things on the walls here, but I have not been able to settle on anything.  I find things that I absolutely love, but think that  they won't go with my pillows and bedding.  Someday, I will have an apartment that is decorated that way, I tell myself.

Last night, late night online area rug searching, I finally got, "Why someday???"  Why am I searching for something that I don't really want?  I don't have to keep these floor pillows, they are not anything special at all, and I am planning on buying a couch anyways (kind of over floor sitting after all these years).  Also, I have owned my bedding since 2006.  It may not have been used for all of the years in between, but I am allowed to buy new and really my duvet cover will match the new black and white theme that I am imagining, I will just need new sheets.

I am allowed to make my space what I want, right now!  I am going to be spending money either way.  Why was I going to buy things that I really didn't love?  Was it because I made up it would be easier to just go along with what I already have then to start over, even though I don't absolutely love it?  I want my home to be an expression of me, not an expression of odd pieces that I once was.  Sure, all of those parts are me, but not the me that I am today or the one that I want to be tomorrow.

Starting over is only hard if I say it is and right now, starting over sounds perfect!  I am letting go of what does not serve me whether that be disempowering thoughts or floor pillows.