Thursday, September 30, 2010

an owner of my life

Ownership.  Of my life.  I have it.  And I feel it.  I don't exactly have a definition for you of what that means to me, but that is what just dawned on me.   It is 12:38PM EST time, I am in the front lounge of our tour bus that is still parked at the college in Newark, DE that our show was at tonight.  The drivers will be arriving soon.  Band and crew is mingling in the parking lot and on the other busses.  I have washed my face and brushed my teeth.  I don't choose to go to my bunk until the bus starts moving so I am catching up on the internet world.

I open a bottle of wine to have a glass, take one sip and this is what comes to me. I have complete ownership of my life.  Will I tour again next year?  Will I create a TV show? Will I tour next year and then create a TV show?  Will I write a memoir of the random stories of my life?  I am content with this questioning for myself.  I know it will all work out perfectly.

I will return to my new home of NYC in 2 weeks without a home and I am not worried at all.  I will find the perfect apartment just for me within days of my return.  I just know it.

I didn't expect to go on tour, but then tour consumed me.  Not in a bad way, but in a way that shows me how much I really choose to be present to each task I take on. A swirl of chaos may surround me but I am present to it all and it does not overwhelm me.

Chaos and change are so normal to me that I don't know how to define them any more.  I forget that the qualities that make up me, may be different than the qualities that make up you.  When I do become present to them, it doesn't make you any smaller though.  You have your qualities and I have mine.  We all have room to grow.  We all have things to learn.  We all have lives to lead.  And we all live them, or I sure hope that we do!

I take ownership of my life to the fullest.  I take 100% responsibility for all communications, mis-communications, for all choices, for all indecisions.  I take ownership  for all of my life.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

home of many homes

I am a traveler.  And I am home.  It has been about ten days since I took off from my newest home base of New York City, a home that I have dreamt of for years.  I have returned to a place that I now acknowledge to be the most normal part of my life, being on the road, being on tour.  Even though, I had not planned to be on this one and it came up last minute, immediately upon landing it was home.

I now find myself in another past home of Chicago.  Chicago was my first home on my own.  I moved here when I was 18 to attend college at Columbia College.  I can hardly believe that was eleven years ago!  I lived here from 1999-2003 as I worked my butt off in school and at the House of Blues Chicago, where I broke into sound and live concert production.

It is such an amazing feeling to feel at home in so many cities.  I forget that this feeling doesn't exist for everyone.  Even upon landing in India, for my first time, I had this feeling. I am grounded where ever I go, even when I don't no exactly where I am going.

Yes, being an avid traveler both for work and personally provides that for me, but I know that truthfully it is rooted inside me, this feeling of home.  It is the feeling of being 100% comfortable and at one with who I am at any given moment.  It doesn't matter what my surroundings are, it doesn't matter what language is being spoken, what type of music is being played, what the dress code is.  I am me.  I no longer have that feeling of having to prove myself.  I no longer have that feeling of wanting to be liked, of wanting to be loved.  Of course, I want to be liked and of course, I want to be loved, but to accomplish that I merely get to be me and love who I am being.

Along with the feeling of home.  I really see each person whose path I cross as family.  That is what I project onto the world.  I am safe wherever I am.  I am taken care of wherever I am.  I am loved wherever I am.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences.  What is this life for, if not to experience it, to be open to it, to be with it?  I don't know what happens when my time here ends and I don't know when that time will come.  So, I choose to be in this vast home of mine.

Friday, September 10, 2010

with the people

I don't know how many times I have said this, but don't expect it to stop anytime soon...I love people!  Of all varieties, living all sorts of lives.  New York City gives me a big dose of this, people at all times, everywhere, from all walks of life, but no matter where I am, I am constantly delighted by the vastness of who we are and what we carry with us.

This week, my life took a quick 180 as I got called back to the road.  In my preps to leave the city for a month, packing for tour, moving between my sublet and my storage unit, I was so present to the people of service all around me that support me and just of how much I love exchange smiles with the unknown.

I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish in the 40 hours between when I got the call to when I was leaving for the airport.  I juggled lists of what to take and what to take care of in the city before my departure, while also being on standby waiting for details of what was needed from me on the road.    I acknowledge myself openly for while having a bajillion ideas, lists, and more flying through my head I am still present with each person I make contact with.  It is as if I am checking in with them and their souls, you know we may have known each other in a previous life?  This could be a friend's relative or co-worker or acquaintance?  We are all connected, so why not be open and loving with each person I pass?  We are all here.  That is a good enough reason for me to want to exchange a smile, some real eye contact, a hello, genuine generosity to everyone and anyone.

On Tuesday, I got all ready to take the belongings that I had at my sublet that I would not be taking on tour over to my storage unit.  I carried a heavy suitcase and 3 overflowing bags of stuff down 4 flights of stairs and down to the street to hail a cab.  This would be my first time returning to my unit since I moved it in.  It is only 1.5 miles away, which is an easy walk for me, but not with all this loot I am bringing over today.  I got a cab, no problem, paid the $10 fair, and maneuvered my stuff into the office to check in and get the key from them.  They use a double lock system for extra protection.  One lock is theirs and they keep the key, the other lock is mine and I keep the key.

I got the key, they called on the radio for the freight elevator to meet me, and I pushed my stuff along over to the big elevator.  I told the elevator operator not to wait for me, as I was going to be a while.  I had arrived!  I pull out my personal keys and OH NO!  Where is my key?!!?!?!  Did it fall off?  Or did I never actually put it on my key ring?  Is it still in the LeSportSac bag that I had been using as my everyday bag until my lovely friend gifted my a rad recycled leather bag?  The very same bag that I originally had in this pile to put in storage, but at the last minute pulled it out to bring on tour....Yiyiyi!  I was laughing my ass off!

So, back down I go.  I call the elevator and he is befuddled, saying he could of just waited for me if I was going to be that quick.  I tell him my situation as I am laughing and ask him if there is anyway to get into the unit without the key.  $75  to cut off the lock, that is $75 more than I want to spend.  I cart myself and my stuff back to the counter to return the key, back to the street to hail a cab, and another $10 cab ride back home.  I almost decided to just forget about storage today and just do it all tomorrow am before my flight, but I quickly dismissed that idea.  I pulled my bags into the apartment building and left them on the landing as I ran up the the 4 flights to find the missing key.  Tada, it was exactly where I imagined it to be.

Another $10 cab ride, another check-in and elevator ride and hello storage unit!  Along the way, I did not let this mishap get me down.  Instead, I used it as conversation with the elevator operator, the desk clerk, and the cabbies.  We exchanged smiles, funny stories, and lots of laughs.  With the people that I did not speak to, but passed, I made eye contact and offered smiles.  I am living my own story right now and they are living theirs.  It doesn't matter what is going on my mind or my life.  They are all moments that are shared.  They may seem personal, but everything that happens to me, in my life, I am exuding inside and out.  I don't know what is happening in that man in the business suit's life or the woman walking her puppy's life or the cabbie's life.  I just know that we are all here.  We are all connected and for that I am grateful and I choose to show up as love expressing through Tricia (with gratitude sprinkled on top and of course laughter, too).

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

a listener of the univers-back to tour I go

It is currently 7:49am on Wednesday, September 8th.  Wow, wait, September???  The ninth month of the year?? Wow!  What a year I have had so far, definitely not like any other year, but can years really be compared?  Can days really compared?  So, much life happens in one day!

Anyways, I got side-tracked from typing the date....I got a phone call at around 8pm on Monday evening from my dear friend and some-time boss, Jason Mraz.  His month long, break from the studio tour starts Saturday in Bangor Maine, with the band and crew already at rehearsals when he called me.  He had just come to the conclusion that he wanted my services of Joy back in his life for the tour.  It was a last minute decision because it was,  I don't need to know the whys or why nots as to why I was now being called.

I spent all of last week apartment hunting. I stalked Craig and his list.  I dialed brokers and managers numbers without end.  I saw about eight apartments?  I don't even know!  I did find neighborhoods that I liked, within my price range and I actually found apartments that I liked, but something was keeping me from taking a place.  I had a strong feeling, which I told several people about, that something was going to happen this week.  I didn't know what.  I thought it was merely that I would discover the perfect place to move. Apparently, it was that I will be not needing a home for the next month.
Apartment hunting in the city is a game for sure.  I like to see life as a game, but really this qualifies on many levels.  Places pop-up and disappear throughout each day.  If I like a place and don't grab it on initial viewing, it will not still be there tomorrow.  But, if I do want it, I can move in tomorrow!  I like this because I create that there will always be a perfect place opening up for me.  I make my moves from my heart and intuition, so if I am not feeling it, no worries, so many more will open up tomorrow, too!

The part of the game that is not my favorite is the legalities.  They are serious here!  It is not just hear is your money, let me sign the papers.  A credit report is just the start of the process.  They want hard proof that their rent will be paid!  You must show proof of steady income that is acceptable to them.  This includes W-2's, taxes from the previous year and 2-4 of your most current paystubs.  If you don't have a regular job, it is not the most fun.  No matter who you are and what you do, you must prove that you make 40x the rent and i they don't accept your steadiness  or unsteadiness of income then you must have a guaranteer that makes 80x the income.  Not just someone, like my mom, to sign a paper saying that they will be responsible for paying the rent if I can not, they must actually prove that they have the income to do it.  They must hand over current paystubs and tax document as well.  So, perfect timing for me!  I get to go back out on tour for a month and come back with 4 recent paystubs!

So, yes!  That works!  And all of belongings are already here in storage, perfect.  After planning yesterday what I was going to take and what I was going to leave as my Joy and Vibe kit I am now awaiting my flight info, for a flight today.  I did not pick my method of travel and preferred flight time until 2am last night.  I was waiting to talk to my boss man, who was on a flight himself all day.  So, I have the plan and the pack, now I finish cleaning up my little East Village sublet, make one more trip to my storage unit to drop off some unneeded items and then off I go to join the circus that I love once again.

Life works out, perfectly.  I am open.  I trust.  I love.  Back to the road I go!  See you out there!

Monday, September 6, 2010

a vessel

Creativity, inspiration, intuition, heart.  This is how I live my life.  I go for what I want and for what I feel.  I really do feel it.  I really do trust it.  I may jump, but I am responsible in my jumps.  I am inspired by so much.  By the people that I pass on the streets.  By the forms of art that surround me on the walls and in the air.  By the nature and the weather that crosses my path.  By the people that are firm in not wanting to smile or be open to others, this inspires me to show more love.

Everything is an expression of love in one form or another.   Receiving love, looking for love, wanting love, I believe we can boil every action or unaction done to love.

I am open.  I am inspired.  I am creativity.  I am heart.  I am love.

I invite you to step past your boundaries, to lean into your fears, to open yourself up to all that surrounds you.  Expect the unexpected.  Be transparent.  Just Be.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

a juice feaster

This week, I committed to a 7 day juice feast.  Terces of Cafe Gratitude has created juice club supported by daily emails and blog entries.  She juices for the first 7 days of every month.  I signed up for the club in March and this is the first month that I have actually gone through with it.  I love the idea of juicing for a week, but I do love my food.  This felt like the perfect to time to finally commit though.  I have just moved to New York City, launched my website, and September is here, a shift in seasons and in my life.  Why not kick it off with a fresh start for my body, too?

This city is abundant with juice spots, so that makes it easy.  Along with the Union Square Farmer's market that happens every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday from 9am-6pm where I get my fresh produce to make my own juice.  This week I have been on the apartment hunt, as my sublet ends Sept. 19.  I was zig-zagging about town and it was really quite easy to pop in to health food shops and cafes for some juice and then rush off to my next appointment.  I definitely felt like  a real New Yorker this week, whizzing about, transferring from train to train, leaving the house early and not returning till much much later, but fitting it all in while I was out and about.

I would leave the house to drop off my compost at the farmer's market and get to the gym and then end up being whisked away to see apartments, making an effort to still squeeze in making it to the gym and all the errands I planned to get to done.

Most of the time I felt great, light and full of energy, not feeling as if I was fasting with just juice.  I was completely fulfilled.  When thoughts of "I am so hungry!" came up then I got more juice and remembered to hydrate.  It is quite amazing to notice how much drinking water took away those starvation feelings.   I have been able to fully function while juice feasting.  I make it to yoga classes and to the gym.  The most important thing for me to remember is to drink more and more water.

A few of the days, after seeing apartments and feeling a bit discouraged in that area, I would be standing in line for my juice and my eyes would fall to some yummy treats.  I immediately went to, "I am going to give myself a treat!"  I really got present to how often I treat food as a reward.  A reward for what?  Being alive?  Taking life on?  I quickly caught myself and reminded myself that I am giving myself a treat, by committing to the week of juicing.

The last two evenings I was craving non-juice so I went and bought some miso paste at a cute little food co-op around the corner from me and mixed it with some hot water for a little miso soup tea that I drank down.  This was so satisfying that I plan on keeping it as my regular evening snack when I get hungry after dinner.

This was the perfect week for me to be committed to juicing.  I really am not finding it hard.  Today is day 5 and  I am excited to get some more green juice in me!  Off to the juicer I go!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

a student of my juicer

My juicer just taught me a valuable lesson.

Just because I can fit it all in doesn't mean I have to.

Today I am starting my 7 day juice feast along with thousands of others on Terces Engelhart's juice club, she juices for the first 7 days of every month.   This is the first time this year that I am fully committing to it and I am excited for it!  My body is ready to take a break from the indulgences that living in NYC allows.  For me that is mainly ordering Indian and Thai food to be delivered into late hours of the night, and of course the alcoholic beverages with friends or along with my late night ordered in food...

Anyways, I just fired up my juicer for my first juice of the day, I was rolling along and picked a big handful of kale that fit perfectly into my juicers opening (don't know the technical term for that).  I thought, nicely done, this will get it done quicker.  But, it wouldn't go through.  The kale, did indeed all fit into the hole, but the juicer was unwilling to take it all at once.

This is when I received my life lesson.  Just because I can fit all of the kale in does not mean that I have to, that I need to, that it will work best.  In life, sometimes I start to say YES to everything.  Yes, I can do that and be there and get that done.  I have no doubt that I can do all of it, but that does not mean that I have to do it all, right now!

So, my juicer reminded me today to slow down.  That it is okay to take things slow, it may very well be more effective that way and with more thought, not just shoving it all in so that I can move on the next.

Before said juicing experience today it wasn't that I was feeling like I was doing too much or pushing through things, but maybe I have been?  It doesn't matter.  What does matter is that I got this reminder and is going to stay with me.

Just because I can fit it all in, just because I can do it all, does not mean that I need to fit all in and do it all, right now!  Take time with what I am doing whatever that is.