Monday, May 31, 2010

what I am.

Emotions come and emotions go. Life comes and life goes. People come and people go. Attachments come and attachments go. I am choosing to take a breath with all of this in this moment.

Sometimes stuff comes up that I don’t want to come up, but it does. So, I gots to deal with it. Do something with it. I can let it go. I can take a moment with it. I can invite it in. I can use it to move forward. Sometimes I really try to keep it down though, unintentionally or intentionally.

There is just so much stuff. There are so many variables. There are causes and effects that I am not aware of but that affect me on a very real level. Currents are strong and they come without warnings. Or they have warnings and I refuse to see them.

Today in yoga, I was set to tap into my power. I made that my intention, to remember my power and to really go there. I was there. I was sticking to it and then about 15 minutes into class the instructor asked us to remember those that we have lost (today is Memorial Day) and immediately I thought of my Dad and was so pissed. I wanted this class to be about tapping into my power. I don’t want to think about the loss of my father. I was seeing that as dis-empowering. There was something about the way she said it or when she said it. I just was not ready to go there. It was as if I had totally forgot that I ever had any pain in my life or any struggle (I mean, I was tapped into power!) and she was pulling the wool from over my eyes. Her telling me to remember those I have lost made me want to sob my eyes out and pound the floor. That does not show me how much power I have inside! And that was my intention! I want to stick to my intention Damn it!

This is the stuff I love, though. Life, keeping me on my toes. It can happen in super small ways or huge no way you can fucking miss it ways. I want to be all about power, life wants me to bring attention to what can make me the most vulnerable. Is the lesson that life was reminding me of today that vulnerability=power? That putting on an I AM POWERFUL exterior, is only truly powerful if I am connected to all that is within?

All these bits and pieces make up who I am. I can try to ignore them, but I am that I am.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Ready for the next.

I like fresh starts. I like clean slates. I like beginnings. I love moving into the unknown. I love those energies that I don’t fully understand, but trust to guide me to the next stop along the journey.

There is beauty to be found in all. There is beauty here and I am ready to leave it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t find it beautiful here anymore, I am just ready for the next. I feel that energy moving through me and around me.

I am moving along. This week I am prepping and packing to go on a huge adventure of bicycling 645 miles from San Francisco to Los Angeles as part of Aids Life Cycle 9 and straight from that I am joining the lovely Colbie Caillat on tour as her JOYOLOGIST!!!?!??!?!?! So, beginnings are happening for me, but I am feeling more. I am ready to dive full on in. FULL. ON. IN.

I have been telling people that I created the Joyologist by accident, but I now know that statement is false. I have been working at this for years, I just didn’t have a name for it. Maybe, I was afraid of what it was. Maybe, I was afraid that no one would care. Maybe I was afraid that it wasn’t me.  Maybe I wasn't up for it.  But, I DO want this. This is who I am. I have been afraid to say that because I made up that it meant that I was saying that I am better than you, whoever you are. I am stepping into fully taking on this title now and for me that is huge, but really that doesn’t have to mean anything.

I am ready world. Do you hear me, Universe? I am ready. I love this moment. I love all that I have known and all that I do know and I am ready for more. Whatever that looks like, in whatever form that comes in, my arms, my heart, my soul is open. I am ready for the next.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

the eyes of amazing

What if I create everyone as amazing? What if I only see possibilities for everyone? What if I forget (or put aside) all past experiences with family and friends that do not create them as being their highest self?

I have an example for you. One of my close friends is planning to embark on being fully silent for the month of June. She is a singer (and a super talented one) who often goes on vocal rests to take care of her voice, but those usually only last a day or so. This girl loves to sing and this girl loves to talk. She is incredibly social and lives with her equally social, equally talkative boyfriend. This month of silence will not be a walk in the park.

When I first heard that she was going to take this month of silence on I was shocked with excitement. What a huge thing to take on! A few seconds later entered doubt. There is no freaking way that she will be able to be silent for a whole month! I mean, come on! That is crazy! Especially, from her!

Wow! That thought pattern is not serving anyone, now is it? It is not serving my friend, for me to not believe in her and it doesn’t serve me to not be fully supporting my friends. My past experiences with said friend may bring me to the conclusion that she will not be able to do this, but that is all the past. What does it really matter? The past is the past, the now is the now and right now I am creating that she has the commitment, strength, courage, and passion to do this. Yes, this will be a challenge, but having people in her life that are 100% behind her will motivate her to stick with it. My believing in her may very well be what gets her through those 30 days of muteness.

This theory, this way of being, creating everyone as amazing does not just have to apply to people that are taking on big things. It can work for anyone and any situation. Let’s say the cashier at your local market is less than friendly. Instead of going through her checkout line thinking, “Boo, I got the grumpy one again. I am going to avoid eye contact and get out of here quick.” How about approaching her with pure honest love and gratitude. Offer her a big smile, a hello and a thank you and approach her as if she is the most courageous, inspiring, loving woman you have ever encountered. It doesn’t matter if she still acts grumpy towards you, just keep creating her in the best light and it will serve you, her and everyone else for the best.

So, this is what I am up to. Don't even try to be less than amazing. I hereby create you (yes, you) as freaking amazing!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Plenty of time.

Whew! I have a lot going on right now...or at least I am creating that I do. Okay, I do, I do. I just got back home after enjoying a few full days and nights away celebrating life with friends old and new. I had a great time being fully present with my surroundings and who I was surrounded with. So, in that I didn’t make any time to take care of stuff that I have on my to do lists of life. Ideas kept coming up for me, so adding more to my to do list.

I was so excited to come home last night and to know that I had today for myself, that I don’t have to be anywhere today until 5:30pm. I wake when I want to. I have my kitchen to feed me. I have Internet and silence for phone calls. Yay to having my own little space and getting to be in it.

My to do list is circulating in my head. I have so many ideas, people to contact or respond to, creations to develop and then the cleaning, laundry, organizing, bill paying, just stuff of all varieties. I let myself lie in my bed and be cozy with a movie after waking up early. I was excited to be able to sleep in my own bed, so I will allow myself to lounge in it longer, to have a proper reunion.

I am having moments of overwhemedness. I want to take care of this, research that, settle this, and I really want to just have a cozy, lazy day too. I found myself going back and forth between taking care of stuff and lounging without thinking too hard about it. Even right now, I just said to myself, “Why am I writing this right now!?!?!?! I have so much to do!” I am writing right now because I want to write right now though. I have been wanting to do yoga or go for a run, I have the urge to exercise, but same thing, I tell myself I have too much to do, I can’t go exercise. I can’t go relieve stress and work stuff out, I have stuff to do.

Just writing this out right now, is allowing me to breath deeper, it is allowing the stress of “I have so much to do!” to melt away. Yes, I am creating that I have a lot to do, a lot that I want to do, but taking care of myself in the mean time will help it to get it all done. I am choosing to balance the wants of wanting to get outside for exercise and fresh air and wanting to cozy up in bed with a book with wanting to cross off items of the ever-growing to do list. It is all going to get done and I am going to feel great because I am taking care of myself and my list!

I bet that now that I am going to allow myself these wants that I will get time back because I won't be trying to work at my to do list with my mind constantly going back to "I want to do yoga". I am giving my mind over completely to what I am doing in each moment, no matter what is. Whether I am walking on the beach, doing a headstand, hula hooping, working on a my website, creating joyology, and on and on.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

conscious of who I am cheating

The only one I am cheating is myself.

I said this to myself the other night in bed at my mom’s house in Cincinnati. It was around midnight and I was wide awake and thinking about the rice chip snacks that she has in her cupboard. A delicious, tasty snack that I don’t usually buy for myself, but my mom always has for me when I come into town. I love those crispy, flavorful chips but they do nothing for me, especially at midnight.

I have not been feeling so great lately. My body has been hurting from the inside out and I really want to delve into this and stop it. I know that what I put into my body really affects me and not just that day, but it lingers. Yes, I eat better than most, but I am now moving back to being even more conscious of what I am taking in.

In creating my own little India sanctuary I indulged myself. If I wanted to get a gluten-free cookie or the Follow Your Heart Soy cheese, than I did. I mean these are still “healthier” snacks than what my neighbors are eating, so it’s all good. But, besides gaining some extra cushioning in the past months (even with lots of physical activity), I gained a ton of physical discomfort. I am so affected by my intake.

So, I am back to really making conscious choices. What is this food/drink going to do for me? I am not calorie or fat counting. I am not starving myself. I am allowing myself to have snacks and wine, but to be conscious about it. Yes, that chocolate chip gluten-free vegan scone looks delicious, but how will my body feel after eating it? If I really want a sweet treat then I will whip up or seek out a raw cacao delight, that at least leaves me feeling good and my body can process it easily.

I know what it feels like to be at my best and I am returning to that. I am grateful for my minor detour of the last few months to remind of why I want to make the choices that I do.

Back to that statement, “The only one I am cheating is myself.” I said this because earlier that day, I had told my mother that eating those snacks was no longer serving me and that I did not want to indulge myself with them. So, here I am at midnight dreaming of going downstairs to munch on those chips and thinking, “I told my mom that I wasn’t going to eat them, what if she hears me, or notices that I have eaten them?” I laughed at my own thoughts, my mom really will not care if I eat the chips, even though I said I was not going to.


in my pain.

I am in so much pain. It hurts, I hurt, all over, inside and out. I want to kick and scream and cry!!!! I want to curl up in a ball and just sob my eyes out. What is this? Is it my fibromyalgia acting up? Is it soreness from yoga and running? What did this? Was it something I ate? Or drank? Something I took or didn’t take? Please, help me, I am in so much freaking pain.

I don’t want this. You can not control me pain! You can not take my gratitude. You can not steal my being. You can not dehabiliate me. I will push through you. I am not my pain. I don’t need to know where you came from. I will take no more time sinking into you, trying to figure you out. I don’t need you, pain.

I am not ignoring you, pain, I am being with you, but not letting you take me, all of me. You can not have 100% of my focus. I will not re-act through my pain, I will act more consciously from my heart and soul.

You may have taken me over for some time, but you have reminded me that I want to be Love in every moment. You have reminded my that to be inspiring is to be inspired. You moved me to pause and notice the beauty that surrounds me and that is inside me.

Pain, you showed me a lot and now you are gone. You may be coming right back, but that is okay, I will now take you as a reminder to show me who I want to be even in the face of pain.

Monday, May 10, 2010


Sometimes my heart feels so open that I really wonder if it is expanding.  I feel my breath circulating through my body, I feel the blood flow through my veins.  I feel my aliveness.

I am overwhelmed with possibilities.  I am in love with all that life has to offer.   I am laying here in a ton of physical pain, but I am not feeling the pain, I am radiating, I am basking in the light, while lying in the dark.

I can create anything.  I can make things happen.  I can create the most amazing friends, family, community just by believing that they are amazing.  I can tell myself that I am fully supported by this earth, by this world and all the beings on it and know that it is true.  It doesn't matter how that shows up for me, I can form it to be what I want it to be.  I can take an insult and create it as a compliment.  I can take silence and hear the most touching, moving, inspiring actions from it.  Whatever you give me, intentionally or unintentionally I then create from and I choose to create love.  I choose to create support.  I choose to create inspiration.  

I get to create all of this from you.  From your looks, your attitudes, your speech, your actions; whatever you show me (whether you are aware or not) I get to create from.  I get to create from all of life and so do you.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


It is 1:30am. My alarm is set for 6am. My body and mind are calm and serene. I am typing in bed, with my wet hair on my pillow. My legs are bent to act as a desk for my laptop. I can feel that the corners of my mouth are turned up. I hear the gentle crashing of the waves. There may or may not be some wetness developing at the corners of my eyes.

I am satisfied. In general. In life. My brain was full early today, trying to work out my schedule of when I am supposed to be where and how I am getting to each. I was constantly pre-organizing my cleanse routine and how that would work for my busy evening and the following two days, away from home. I made it to yoga and the farmers market. I secured the wireless mics to use this weekend.  I did my laundry. I was ready on time when my ride came to pick me up.

I ran late to help for a set-up. I very much dis-like being late, but I knew that being upset at my lateness would not change it. I apologized to the person I was meeting (she was running late too, perfect) and chose my timing and the traffic that showed up. I enjoyed being in the driver’s seat of a car and singing my heart out to the music that was handed to me on the radio.

I got a parking space right in front of my destination, but didn’t know it, and walked the wrong way up the street. Asked two strangers on the street if they knew of my destination and was pointed back to where my car was parked to be welcomed by friendly faces and hugs. I jumped in wherever I could to be of service in any way possible. I counted books and stickers. I checked a microphone. I scooped vegan ice cream. I led people to their seats. I counted empty seats. I loved it all. I was so happy to be of service, I really, really, really was. I love to jump into things, with whatever I got and just be there, for whatever is needed. I was reminded of this tonight. I am grateful for that. The reminder and for the ability to jump in and fully be there to serve.

Next, I went to support an amazing friend who is battling Lyme disease. She was holding a screening for a documentary made on the disease as a fundraiser to help pay her monstrous medical bills. I went solely for her. I wanted to show up for her. I wanted to show up tonight, physically as a presence and I want to show up for her as a support. I know what it is like to not be someone who asks for help. I want her to know that I am here for her. I am support.

On the way home, I checked my voicemail and by the tone of the voice I could tell it wasn’t a skippy happy one. A friend was calling to get clear with me about some things she realized that she had been making up about me. Me as a person and me in our friendship. As I listened to the message, a huge smile spread across my face. I love when people get stuff out. I love when people are honest. I love when people are authentic. Even though she was talking about me and not saying the most pleasant of things, I was so happy that she was getting this stuff out of herself.

I totally understood everything that she expressed. I got where she was coming from. I was so happy that she expressed this to me. I started to instantly respond to her in my head, I was explaining out each thing that she had made up about me. I was not angry or upset.

Then in the middle of my pretend conversation with her, I got angry. I made up that all of my “friends” from that group must have been gossiping. They must all feel this way. Well who cares? I don’t need them. I moved away from them anyway. If that is what they think about me, then f*** them.

I started to cry, thinking that once again, I am the only one that I can depend on. I am the only one that believes in me. Then the song, “I hope you dance” by LeAnn Womack came on the radio. This is the song that most reminds me of my dad. On my birthday one year he gave me a book and CD of this song and it is the song that he and my sister danced to at her wedding. Perfect song, perfect timing. I let the tears roll and all of the anger, all of the emotions roll away with the tears.

Now, here I sit (lay) perfectly peaceful. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what that friend made up. It is what she made up. It is not the truth. I have no feelings but absolute love for her and excitement for her authenticity.

I find it kind of fitting that I tweeted this quote earlier today.
When men speak ill of you, live so as nobody may believe them.---Plato

Whatever she said, whatever she thought, whatever anyone says or thinks it doesn’t matter.  The real truth is who I am being in each moment.  I am the proof.  I don't need to defend who I am with a fight of words.  It is who I am that shows who I am.

To bed I go now, serene with bliss in this life we call life.