Emotions come and emotions go. Life comes and life goes. People come and people go. Attachments come and attachments go. I am choosing to take a breath with all of this in this moment.
Sometimes stuff comes up that I don’t want to come up, but it does. So, I gots to deal with it. Do something with it. I can let it go. I can take a moment with it. I can invite it in. I can use it to move forward. Sometimes I really try to keep it down though, unintentionally or intentionally.
There is just so much stuff. There are so many variables. There are causes and effects that I am not aware of but that affect me on a very real level. Currents are strong and they come without warnings. Or they have warnings and I refuse to see them.
Today in yoga, I was set to tap into my power. I made that my intention, to remember my power and to really go there. I was there. I was sticking to it and then about 15 minutes into class the instructor asked us to remember those that we have lost (today is Memorial Day) and immediately I thought of my Dad and was so pissed. I wanted this class to be about tapping into my power. I don’t want to think about the loss of my father. I was seeing that as dis-empowering. There was something about the way she said it or when she said it. I just was not ready to go there. It was as if I had totally forgot that I ever had any pain in my life or any struggle (I mean, I was tapped into power!) and she was pulling the wool from over my eyes. Her telling me to remember those I have lost made me want to sob my eyes out and pound the floor. That does not show me how much power I have inside! And that was my intention! I want to stick to my intention Damn it!
This is the stuff I love, though. Life, keeping me on my toes. It can happen in super small ways or huge no way you can fucking miss it ways. I want to be all about power, life wants me to bring attention to what can make me the most vulnerable. Is the lesson that life was reminding me of today that vulnerability=power? That putting on an I AM POWERFUL exterior, is only truly powerful if I am connected to all that is within?
All these bits and pieces make up who I am. I can try to ignore them, but I am that I am.