Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I am being 30

I did it! I turned 30!

I have always felt much older than my actual age and never got caught up on the number.  A good majority of my friends and people that I have worked with are far, far older than I (twice my age) and I never felt out of place.  To tell you the truth, when people ask me my age I have to do the math.  What year is it? Okay, subtract that from 1981, so that makes me….

30, though, feels different.  Something tells me that I won’t have to do the math this year.  I will be able to immediately answer with I am 30!  I am proud to be 30.  I will admit that growing up I swore up and down that I would be married with kids before this age, it seemed so old.   My mother had me at 30, and I made up that she was too old when I was growing up, but of course she wasn’t.  I still crave to have a happy family of my own, but I am not attached to the timing that happens in.  My ultimate dream of being a mother will happen at the perfect time.

For as far back as I can remember, I have been a five year old where my birthday is concerned.  As soon as the new year hits, I become giddy with excitement.  My birthday is coming!!!!  Friends  teased me when the day came around, “Woah, it’s your birthday? I had no idea!”  This seeped into me,  and made me question my excitement.  Is it wrong to be so excited about celebrating myself?   So, I went through periods of not showing this on the outside. I played my excitement down. It has built back over the last few years, but there was still something deep inside keeping me from fully celebrating me in front of others.

This year, turning 30, felt different for many reasons, but the biggest reason for me is that this is the first year in a long time (probably since I was a kid) that I 100% fully accepted love and did not hide one bit of excitement for my big day, for my big life.  I planned the day out myself and did not have one bit of anxiety on how it would work out,  the timing of things, if friends would get along, any of it.  I only had pure, unabashed joy.

I celebrated me, full out.  I was not ashamed.  As the clock hit midnight, entering into my big day, I posted this on my facebook page and wow did it feel good.  I didn’t pause to think, “What will people think of this? of me? Is that wrong?”
30! I luurrrrrrvvvee Birthdays! I gots no problem celebrating me and the amazing life that is mine. I am whole. I am complete. I am fulfilled. I am vulnerable. I am love. I am who I am and I fucking love who I am. Thank you all for your contribution to who I am. You done well, if I do say so myself.
The entire day was a dream.  I celebrated with an entirely new family in the city that I have always dreamt to call home and now  is.  I was surrounded by a collection of new friends, most of whom I have only even hung out with once or twice and who did not know each other.  None, of that mattered, we all were immediately family.

On my special day, I received an outpouring of love via text, phone, email, twitter, and facebook.  Friends from my many pasts, friends from my absolute now, friends that I have not met yet all enveloped me in love.   I accepted that love.  I am worthy of that love.  I truly got that I am fully supported.   This is my family.  You are all my family.  We are all famil
We really are one.  I see that now.

In writing my book and working with new clients, I fully get that the reason I am able to serve you, the reason that I am able to keep an open heart towards all, to be the ultimate space holder is because I fully love and accept myself.  All of me.  All of the past.  All of the nasty thoughts.  All of what I do and what I don’t do.  I one hundred f*cking percent love and accept myself.  I am a work in progress.  We all are, and because I can fully see me, junk and all, I fully see you, junk and all.

I believe in me.  I believe in you.  No matter what happened, no matter what happens.
I am the perfect balance of pure COMPASSION with NO BULLSHIT.  I believe in you, I believe in me, but I am not letting either of us of the hook.  Life is meant to be lived, period. 

Hello 30!!  I will leave you with this, Fuck Your Fears, this life is yours.   xoxo

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