Thursday, February 3, 2011

I am being Grudgeless

Many of you know my back-story, that from the ages of 19-28 I was a professional live sound monitor engineer. I toured the world with Grammy Award Winning Artists making sure that every person on stage was hearing the perfect mix of vocals and instruments to their liking. They each get a personal mix that best suites them to have them performing at their best. Meanwhile, the sound engineer out in the audience (front of house) is mixing for all of you out there in attendance.

When I was not on the road working for one at artist at a time, I did plenty of local gigs and huge festivals where big name artists would come through without a monitor engineer on staff.  So, I would step in for the day.

Often times on these local gigs, I got to step in to mix monitors for bands that I loved, some even that I idolized.   During the summer of 2004, I was so excited to get to do a show with one of my favorite artists of the previous few years.  Not only did she have an amazing voice, but her songs were absolutely beautiful lyrically.  I could listen to her CD on repeat over and over again and truly feel it.  The messages in her songs reached females everywhere, building self-confidence and love.  Not only did I get to see her live, I got to work with her.  I got to be the one that delivered her performance to her.  WooHoo!  And you know what?  She was a complete bitch, seriously.  Not just to me, but to everyone.  She was cold and mean to her band, the crew that did travel with her, her mother, even the audience.  Throughout my day of working with her, I did not see her smile once.  I did not see one friendly or loving piece of her.

After that day, I never listened to her music again.  If it came on the radio, I changed it immediately.  I buried her CDs, I actually may have even thrown them out.  I didn’t just boycott her though, I vocally dissed her as well.  Anytime that her music came on, I took the opportunity to tell everyone what a true bitch she was.  I did this for years.

Then, sometime in the last two years I forgave her.   I let go of my grudge against her.  I learned about the concept of holding space and who I was being and I realized that those concepts applied to things that had happened in the past too.   I was still holding onto them, so they were still a part of me and who I am being today.  Who cares if my interpretation of her that day was that she is a bitch.  Maybe, she is a bitch.  Who cares?  Who am I being by holding onto my grudge against her?  The truth is that I still love her music.  I love the lyrics that she writes and sings.

Maybe she had a bad day that one day back in 2004, in San Diego?  Maybe she was used to working with her own monitor engineer and was afraid of the idea of working with a stranger?  Maybe she had huge stage fright and actually hated performing in front of an audience?  Maybe she was grieving?  Maybe she was sick?  Maybe those are all excuses for her behavior that day.  True, she as well needs a lesson in who she is being at all times, for all people, but who I am being in judging her?

What is more important for me to get is that whatever is going on over there,  I am still responsible for who I am being at all times.   I choose to hold space for all people, attitudes, actions, thoughts, ideas, and on and on and on, whether I agree with them or not.  I choose to be actively free of judgement.  Who I am I to judge her?  Who I am being by holding onto a grudge?  Who am I to spread my version of her to others?

I have forgiven her.  I have let go of my grudge.  I am free.
Just now on my Pandora, one of her songs came on and without any hesitation I started to sway and swing along.  For this I am grateful.

What grudge can you let go of today?

Now, that I am reminiscining about my days behind the console.  I am going to throw in few old pics!

2002 House Of Blues Chicago- where it all started

2005 Lollapalooza Grant Park Chicago

2005 Radio City Music Hall on tour with Dolly Parton
Got my thinking face on...figuring out my new digital console 2005
2008- on tour with Tom Cochrane, John Mellancamp's crew plays a practical joke on me...
2006 on tour with Natalie Cole -catching my reflection of my gear & I squeezed into the VIP booth of the Viper Room for a special show
Fun times!


  1. Hey Tricia,
    I like the positivity in your writing. Its contagious! :) thanks.

  2. I read this quote (below) today (the same day I come back to your blog after a couple of months). I think theres a reason the two came to me on the same day.. :)

    "If you judge someone, you rob yourself of the ability to understand them."

  3. oooh what i meant was reading this post about holding grudges! :))