in contentment

Today is a cuddly cozy day for me. The sun is hiding when I wake up and I choose to stay in bed and watch a movie, a nice morning treat. I get up later and bike to my local post office, my friend’s café, and to the Friday farmer’s market and then return to my cozy day at home. A little after 5pm, I crave the sand between my toes. It is a bit chilly today so I don a sweater, scarf, and my warm wooly headband. I even choose to make some fresh hot tea and bring the mug down to the sand with me.

The sky is covered in shades of soft blues and purples with bits of a rosy, baby pink popping out. The beach is near empty, only 4 guys on a far away volleyball court and a father with his waddling toddler playing near a lifeguard stand. My intention is to sit on one of the big rocks right behind my building but the sky is acting like a magnet pulling me in closer. I am walking with both hands wrapped around my white porcelain mug staring into the peaceful sky. I feel as if I am the heroine in a movie and the credits are about to role. I am gorgeous in my make-up free face with my curls catching flight in the wind. I have just conquered, I won, I came out on top. I am on top. I am perfect. I am the picture perfect poster of contentment. I feel my team of spirits walking behind me, my father, my grandmother, my dogs, my friend Janelle and on and on. All of the people that I have “lost” I feel so strongly with me.

I am still walking. I am watching the clouds shift and the colors change. I am actually for the first time watching the sunset, not looking at it but watching it. I am part of it and it is part of me. I am connected to all of my surroundings, the sand, the sea, the wind, the sky. I look up and spot the swings, a perfect place for more watching. I get to the swings and choose to face the opposite direction that I was walking in. I want to watch those clouds and colors too. As I am swinging the toddler waddles towards me, stops and stares at me as I swing, her father rushing to catch up to her. I smile at her and say hello and she continues to stare at me and my swinging self, maybe she sees all of my spirit friends too?

The little girl gets her own swing and I turn my attention back to the sky. Why is it that sunrise and sunset draw so much attention? People always love to catch the beauty of the sun coming up for the day and going down for the night. Is it because we are witnessing change? We are observing the end of one cycle and the start of a new. Or maybe it is just because they are so darn purdy!


This isn't tonight's sunset...but one I took years ago in Costa Rica

Perfect

Around the same time that I banished the word “should” from my vocabulary a new word appeared, “perfect”. Suddenly everything is perfect, and all of those perfects are said in a grateful, loving tone, not a sarcastic, eye-rolling one. My computer falls onto the floor and breaks, perfect. I get back from a walk right as the rain starts, perfect. I get to the exact midpoint of a walk and the rain starts, perfect. I miss my train by 60 seconds, perfect. I am open and receiving to whatever the universe hands me. I knew and do know that everything is perfect.

This word has suddenly re-appeared in my life full-force again (YAY!) It never fully went away, but now it is back on top, ever present in all of my day and I am happy to have it back. Life is perfect. However it comes at me, whatever it brings me, it is all perfect and I greet it with a smile and a warm hug.

to the point

In the spring of 2008 I eliminated the word “should” from my vocabulary. It happened immediately after the death of my father. I never had a conversation with myself planning to do this. It just suddenly became important for me to not use that word, ever. I feel that using the word “should” is just setting myself up for failure and guilt. I can still say the same thing and feel better about it. For example, “What should I eat for dinner tonight?” compared with “What do I want to eat for dinner tonight?” Which one is more powerful? Maybe using the “should” warrants a big salad and what I want is pizza. Well, I feel that eliminating the “should” and putting in the “want” puts me in control and gives me the ability to choose a healthy salad or pizza and not feel guilt or to feel like I am doing something because I feel I have to. It is all my choice.

That summer, I explained to friends, family, and acquaintances about my “should” banishment. Besides the fact that I wanted others to experience this newfound freedom I also wanted to explain why I sometime spoke as if I had turrets syndrome. The word would start to come out of my mouth, I would catch it and then find a new more powerful way to say it. It made me become a more mindful speaker. I was no longer able to let things roll off my tongue without thinking about them first. I became so aware of how much “should” was a part of my regular vocabulary as well as other’s.

I felt as if I was reclaiming myself and getting rid of all of my guilt. What do I want? I should do the laundry, turned into I want to do the laundry. I explained to people that in using the word “should” it felt as if my shoulders hunched in and made me feel small. In saying, I “want” or another word my shoulders are back, chest out, and I stand tall. I wanted to put a speech and presentation together and tour high schools around the country about the word “should”. I will empower the nation!

As time went along, I was able to speak without even attempting to spit out this word. Sometimes, it is still hard for me to find a replacement for it, mainly because that means taking a more powerful stance. I can recall I few times on tour the past year when I fought with myself about using it when asking our tour manager questions. He is the head hauncho on tour and was afraid to be to upfront and blunt with my words and suggestions.

The other day during the drive to San Diego, when I just wanted to vomit everything up. I decided that I am going to eliminate all of the filler words that I have been using. Words like “think”, such as “I think that I want to stay in tonight.” From now on I am choosing to say, “I want to stay in tonight” instead (if that is what I want of course). I know what I want and what I don’t want. That word and others are just fillers to soften the blow and they take power away from me and my choices. Also, eliminating these words sets up the people that I am talking with to make more powerful choices too. For example saying, “Do you want to go to Tawney’s yoga class in Santa Monica before Gina’s pot-luck on Sunday?” Instead of saying, “Do you think you might want to go to Tawney’s yoga class in Santa Monica before Gina’s pot-luck on Sunday?” I am saying the same thing. The first example is just to the point, while the second tiptoes. I am choosing to be direct and hopefully this lets the other person be direct in their answer.

All I know is that eliminating these words makes me feel freer, more in control, and more honest.

an eco-conscious shopper...i think

I find it completely amusing that I am constantly searching out eco items for my new home by either driving around town to find them or ordering them online to be shipped across the country padded in lots of packaging. Hmmmm. Not sure how much sense that makes. I was quite surprised that is not very easy to find items made from non-leaching plastic or made from recycled products. I was planning on buying lining for my kitchen shelves and a protector covering for my kitchen sink and just assumed that there would be eco choices for these. Nope and nope. So, I have not bought any.

So what do I do? Walk to my local store and buy plastic items or order more conscious items from Amazon.com and other online retailers with free shipping but lots of cardboard and fuel to get them to me?

It makes me wonder how much effort goes into making goods out of recycled materials? Does it take a lot of time and machine work to manufacture these things? What is the deal? A couple of months ago I went to Verizon to get my phone looked at and the girl helping me told me that phone covers were on clearance if I wanted one. I did not have one on my phone and I do drop it a lot. So, I picked one out and slipped it on. Almost immediately I stopped using it though, because it felt so gross to me to touch. It is an awful plastic material, that felt gross to my touch. Why aren’t there phone covers made out of recycled goods? I am sure they are out there, but I want to see them in every phone and apple store.


Today I was searching for a duster (via bicycle) like an old school duster so that I can dust my table without removing all of my stones and random bits from it. I did not realize that what I was thinking of is made of ostrich feathers. Really? I don’t know if I can do that. I mean I do wear leather, I don’t smother myself in it, but I do own some and I do wear it. Ostrich feathers to clean my table though? I don’t know if that is necessary. And the handle was made from plastic. So I didn’t get it.

What is the deal with plastic anyway? Would it be better if I had a wood handle? But then aren’t we trying to save the trees? I need to educate myself.

transparent

Today after my re-committing to myself and to my India, as I wrote about in my last blog I got a text from a friend asking if I was okay. I found that funny. What did she think I was freaking out and had a melt down? I did’t get it, although I appreciate her concern. I am just choosing to be more authentic with everyone around me and to live my life more powerfully. Which right now means saying No more often to people and invitations. Also, someone commented on that blog that she understands I'm traveling through a somewhat tormented and indecisive period. Really? I don't feel tormented in the least bit. I feel freer then ever. I am not calling myself indecisive either. I am living and deciding day by day moment by moment and I do have many commitments they just revolve around me. I guess if the label for that is indecisive than cool, you can call me that. Then another friend just called and asked, "So what do you do all day just hang out and exercise?" She didn't understand what I am doing all day, with no obligations and no one to answer to, but I do have obligations and someone to answer to...ME. She made me realize that I don’t think of anything I am doing as exercise. Sure, today included biking to a yoga class and to run errands, a jog on the beach, and a surf session. Those things do qualify as exercise, but to me it is heart-opening, soul-soaring, and connecting with myself and the world around me.

I got to exercise my NO today and it feels so amazing and powerful to be honest enough to say NO and to not need to pad my response or feel the need to apologize for it.

Here is a brief disclaimer about me.

I don’t lie. I don’t bullshit. I don’t play games. I don’t pussyfoot. I am who I am and that may change from day to day, but I don’t hide it. I am not afraid of change. I am not afraid to say that I am wrong or to apologize. I am not a spiritual guru. I am a living, breathing soul here in the world. I am not better than you. I am not right. I am a girl living life and learning from life.

JUST BE WHAT YOU ARE, WHERE YOU ARE.

with Tricia

The other night as I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep early as I was taking an early train down to Solana Beach, I thought about how I enjoyed my time with my friends Saturday night and Sunday for lunch. I did not feel attached to them anymore. I loved the time and the visits, but was eager to return to hanging out with Tricia. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that these people had come to see me, in my new town. It reminded me of after my dad died and I finally left tour, realizing that I did need time to grieve. I reached out to my friends in Chicago and Cincinnati when I was there saying I would love to see them, but I would not be driving anywhere. They were welcome to come to me. If they wanted to have dinner with me, it was where I wanted to go. I had no qualms of making the choices that I wanted and my friends were happy to support me and go along with my choices.

As I laid there I had this feeling that I was in mourning right now, but I thought that is weird I am soooo happy, how can I be in mourning? Maybe I was just relating that period of having people come to me with what I was currently wanting. I was and am loving seeing my friends, now that I am back, but I am not wanting to constantly be surrounded. I am having an amazing time with my old friend Tricia. I didn’t think too hard on it and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up often that night, maybe because it was the first time I had set my alarm in weeks and I actually need to be somewhere in the morning on time. I get up a little before my alarm went off, get ready quite quickly and take off in my borrowed car. I got a glimpse of the clock and hope that she had set it fast, check my cell phone, no such luck. It is 35 minutes until my train takes off and that is the google maps time estimate for how long it takes to get to the train station. Well, at least it is President’s Day so traffic will be lighter. I have a little under ten minutes and I am getting close. This may be possible. I may make it. Okay, I will make it. I am going to make the train. Did I just miss the exit? Oh Shit. I just missed the exit. Ok, turn around. I am still going to make the train. I don’t even know if you can park right there all day long. It’s okay it is all going to work out. I get off the exit and realize after half of a mile that I have turned the wrong way off of the exit. Shizit!!!!!! I am going to make it. I turn in, park, and run for it. I bought the ticket online, but need to scan it at a machine to get the actual ticket. Where is the machine? I run back and forth and then back to the Amtrak desk to ask where it is. It is in the far corner, of course. Am I even going to make it, I ask? And then I run to the kiosk, print the ticket and run for it. The sign says boarding. I made it!!! I run up the stairs and see sleeper cars. Where are the main cars, I ask? You’re going to San diego? You just missed it. Next one is at 8:30am.

My meeting is at 10am. I will not make it if I take the next train. I can drive. I really don’t want to drive. I can just say I missed the train. She knows that I don’t have a car. No, I committed to being at this meeting, they said that they really need me there. I will go. I get back on the highway, head the wrong way, turn around and I am now really on my way. Luckily, there is no traffic.

As I am driving, I scream think “WHY AM I DRIVING??!?!?!??! I DON’T WANT TO BE DRIVING!!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING??!??!???!?” I feel like I just want to vomit. Not physically, as if I have an upset stomach, I just to vomit all of my thoughts out. I want to peel back all of my layers and by so transparent that I glow. I want to dump out all of the thoughts that come up, especially the ones that I don’t like and wish I was not having. Thoughts such as comparing what someone gave me for my birthday last year to this year. I am sick with myself for having such a thought and it has nothing to do with that person it is all me. Am I weighing the worth of that friendship by the monetary worth of a gift?!?!? Yuck!

There are thoughts that have been coming up for me that I want to get clear with people about and what is keeping me from doing so? Also, I love my current location for many reasons. One big one is that I am close to my friends in LA and San Diego but still out on my own and since I do not have a car it is easy for me to turn down invitations by merely stating, "I would love to, but I don’t have a car so I can’t get there, sorry.” But, really that is bullshit. I am not coming because I don’t want to because I have other plans for the evening and they are with me, myself, and I. Why have I been afraid to say that? Do I not want to be judged? Is that selfish? Am I not a good friend, if I am willingly not going to support their shows? But, I am still in INDIA!!!! Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I still have the same intentions that I made for my India trip I am just not there geographically.

I have to be honest. The biggest thing that I was excited about for India……was not being around anyone that I know!!!! Crazy, right? I love my friends and family dearly. They are an amazing group of people, so supporting, loving, and grateful. They really live life powerfully. I was excited to be away from them though, so I would not be able to accept any invitations. So that I could only listen to myself and move at my pace and transform without anyone around knowing the "old" me. So, coming back here and still keeping the same intentions means really listening to that voice within even more, no matter how hard it is to do. So I call the birthday present friend and admit the thoughts that I am having along with everything else that had just come up for me. They are able to understand that I am not calling and asking for a new gift and remind me that being a YES to myself may mean being a NO to someone else and that is okay. The phone then gets handed over to another special friend who happens to be there to which she passes along to me what a teacher of her’s says, “You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can put it on someone else.” Well, there you go. This is my time to make sure that I have that oxygen mask secured correctly on myself.

I go into my meeting feeling refreshed and grateful that I had that drive because of all that came up for me. When I come in they are happy I made it and sorry I had to drive. I tell them it ended up being perfect because I re-instated my intentions and I am now going to back out of the commitments I had made for the following weekend in San Diego. As I am saying this, I wonder why I am still going through with the commitment that this meeting is for. I mean how many times have I thought about pulling out? But, no, this is an amazing event and I am so grateful that they invited me to be a part of it. I will do it. The meeting happened and I am confident that all of the production planning for the event is working out and all of the bases are covered. So can I back out then? I mean even though I would be a great help to them, they really will be fine with out me. But I don’t back out of commitments! I don’t let people down! Argh! It is so hard to listen to what I really want sometimes! I just want to run out of there. They have a massage booked for me as a birthday gift and thank you, and I didn’t even care, I just want to go! I share my thoughts with them and they are understanding. They suggest that I go into a mediation room and have some time there before my massage. Okay, I concede, that may be nice. As soon as I close the door, I start to bawl out tears. I don’t want to do this anymore! I just want India! I want to stick to my intentions. Yes, this is an amazing event with amazing people, but it isn’t where my focus is right now. Okay, I am going to tell them that I am choosing to no longer be a part of the event. If they have any questions or need an help via email or phone I am available, but I will not be coming back down here. I hope that I can work with you in the future though.

I feel like a huge heavy coat had been wrapped around me and now vanished into thin air. Back to India I go. I call friends that I had committed to and tell them that I love them and support them 100%, I just will not be at their events physically right now. Please keep extending invitations to me as I may choose to leave India for the day and also feel free to visit me here in India (also known as Hermosa Beach). I call my mother and I share with her my day and of my re-committing to my intentions. I laugh saying from now on when turning down invitations I may say, “I already have plans with Tricia for the evening.” As we end the call, she says, “Okay, well you and Tricia have fun tonight!” To which I reply, “Oh we always do!”

Baptized

I did it! What a day. I woke up around 7:30 and drank my lemon tea as I got ready for my first bicycle adventure to Manhattan Beach to try out a yoga studio. The sun is shining down and although the air is cool, the sun is keeping it from being too cold. I push up my pantlegs and set off down the strand, a path that goes for 22 miles along the Pacific Ocean. People are already occupying the volleyball courts (this is where the Olympic and AVP players live and train), biking, running, you name it. I find the yoga studio which is about 2.5 miles north of me and one block east of the strand and lock up my bike. The studio is small, and is pretty much full already so I place my mat front and center, the only option. This studio looks out onto the ocean, the only one in LA county to do so they tell me. Class starts shortly after I arrive and is pretty intense. The poses are not super advanced, just the pace is non-stop, This used to be what I loved, but now I find myself moving at a slower more conscientious pace. But, this is what I got so I keep reminding myself to just follow the instructors voice, to breathe and to stay out of my head.

I am quite surprised that I am able to keep up. I may not appear as graceful as I have in the past, but I am impressed with my effort and abilities since I have not done much of a practice in the last month. Near the end of class the teacher comes over to adjust me during humble warrior and I immediately say, “No, I can’t do it like that because of my hips.” She responds, " well you have to try or your body will never change". I start to pipe up again and then cut myself off, move my leg and say, “How did you tell me to do it?” I had gotten so accustomed to how I usually do that pose because of how my body has reacted historically, that I am just immediately going into my modified version of it. I keep hearing the words I CAN’T echoing through my brain, did I just say that? I refocus my attention to my breath and my practice and do not allow myself to make myself wrong for my words or actions. I put a smile on my face and I am grateful for that adjustment. She didn’t just adjust my pose, she adjusted my mindset.

From yoga, I hop back on my bike and head to the local farmer's market to get my goods for the week. I tuck my purchases away in my bike bag saddles and back home I go. When I reach my door, I am welcomed by a huge package at my door. My bedframe. I forgot about that. One last thing to build. One heavy, akward thing to build. I maneuver the thing in through my door and rip that package apart. This week, I had already built a table and chair set, a desk, and a little step stool. I had borrowed a screwdriver from Tina, but had just returned it to her today. Like I said, I forgot I still had one last thing coming. Looks like this thing is not going to be built right now. I still lay out all of the pieces into a way that they will be easy to construct.

I grab something to eat and get sucked into a stream of emails. Blah. I crave fresh air, so I head out for a jog down the beach. As I jog I think about asking my building manager if I can borrow a screwdriver. Why not? They can only say yes or no. So, when I get back to my building I head to the office to ask. No problem they say, we will have the maintanence guy bring one right up.

I don’t know why, but this makes me feel like the most special person in the world! They are going to let little old me borrow a precious tool? They didn't even ask for a deposit or anything? Before I know it the miraculous tool arrives. I set off on my way, following another set of not very descriptive directions assembling pieces of wood to match a picture. Each time that I was building something this week I had a moment (or three) that I would decide the company had messed up and put the holes in the wrong spot or something. They were obviously wrong and I was of course right. I even found myself using one piece of my desk as a hammer, trying to get other pieces to fit together correctly. After giving up on that, I realized what the lock/unlock function of a certain bolt was really supposed to be doing. I laughed my ass off. So, today I was ready to get mad and laugh at my interpretation of the pieces, instructions and construction.

After maybe an hour of construction, I want a break and I am determined to get in the waves today and time is running out until sunset. So, I call the office and ask if it would be okay for me to keep the screwdriver overnight and return it in the morning. My project is taking much longer than I expected. I am really not sure why I estimated 20 minutes to build a bed out of wooden planks and screws with only the help of a screwdriver. They say no problem, so I run down the stairs to check the tide and the waves. It was coming back in and I really didn’t care if it looked small out, I was craving the water bad. I had even dreamt about it the night before. I am going in. I run back upstairs and try to scurry into my wetsuit as quick as I can. Booties or no booties? It is February, that’s winter right? Cold, right? But, lately on my beach walks I had let the water splash onto my feet and it didn’t feel too bad. So, I opt for no booties, grab the board and maneuver my way back down the stairs.

I go straight for the water and start to paddle out. About 60 seconds into my paddling a smile shoots over my face. I did it! I am in the water. Hi, my name is Tricia and I surf, I thought. I giggle with myself and duck through a crashing wave. I love the water. I don't really care if I catch any waves today, I just want to be in it, to be baptized in it. That is how I think of it, each time I get in, I am getting baptized. I can feel really small in the ocean, getting turned into acrobatic moves that I never imagined my body could do with the water in control or I can feel really big in the ocean, riding a wave all the way to the shore. I think of the water as a teacher and I am always ready for what it holds for me.