Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The other night as I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep early as I was taking an early train down to Solana Beach, I thought about how I enjoyed my time with my friends Saturday night and Sunday for lunch. I did not feel attached to them anymore. I loved the time and the visits, but was eager to return to hanging out with Tricia. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that these people had come to see me, in my new town. It reminded me of after my dad died and I finally left tour, realizing that I did need time to grieve. I reached out to my friends in Chicago and Cincinnati when I was there saying I would love to see them, but I would not be driving anywhere. They were welcome to come to me. If they wanted to have dinner with me, it was where I wanted to go. I had no qualms of making the choices that I wanted and my friends were happy to support me and go along with my choices.
As I laid there I had this feeling that I was in mourning right now, but I thought that is weird I am soooo happy, how can I be in mourning? Maybe I was just relating that period of having people come to me with what I was currently wanting. I was and am loving seeing my friends, now that I am back, but I am not wanting to constantly be surrounded. I am having an amazing time with my old friend Tricia. I didn’t think too hard on it and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up often that night, maybe because it was the first time I had set my alarm in weeks and I actually need to be somewhere in the morning on time. I get up a little before my alarm went off, get ready quite quickly and take off in my borrowed car. I got a glimpse of the clock and hope that she had set it fast, check my cell phone, no such luck. It is 35 minutes until my train takes off and that is the google maps time estimate for how long it takes to get to the train station. Well, at least it is President’s Day so traffic will be lighter. I have a little under ten minutes and I am getting close. This may be possible. I may make it. Okay, I will make it. I am going to make the train. Did I just miss the exit? Oh Shit. I just missed the exit. Ok, turn around. I am still going to make the train. I don’t even know if you can park right there all day long. It’s okay it is all going to work out. I get off the exit and realize after half of a mile that I have turned the wrong way off of the exit. Shizit!!!!!! I am going to make it. I turn in, park, and run for it. I bought the ticket online, but need to scan it at a machine to get the actual ticket. Where is the machine? I run back and forth and then back to the Amtrak desk to ask where it is. It is in the far corner, of course. Am I even going to make it, I ask? And then I run to the kiosk, print the ticket and run for it. The sign says boarding. I made it!!! I run up the stairs and see sleeper cars. Where are the main cars, I ask? You’re going to San diego? You just missed it. Next one is at 8:30am.
My meeting is at 10am. I will not make it if I take the next train. I can drive. I really don’t want to drive. I can just say I missed the train. She knows that I don’t have a car. No, I committed to being at this meeting, they said that they really need me there. I will go. I get back on the highway, head the wrong way, turn around and I am now really on my way. Luckily, there is no traffic.
As I am driving, I scream think “WHY AM I DRIVING??!?!?!??! I DON’T WANT TO BE DRIVING!!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING??!??!???!?” I feel like I just want to vomit. Not physically, as if I have an upset stomach, I just to vomit all of my thoughts out. I want to peel back all of my layers and by so transparent that I glow. I want to dump out all of the thoughts that come up, especially the ones that I don’t like and wish I was not having. Thoughts such as comparing what someone gave me for my birthday last year to this year. I am sick with myself for having such a thought and it has nothing to do with that person it is all me. Am I weighing the worth of that friendship by the monetary worth of a gift?!?!? Yuck!
There are thoughts that have been coming up for me that I want to get clear with people about and what is keeping me from doing so? Also, I love my current location for many reasons. One big one is that I am close to my friends in LA and San Diego but still out on my own and since I do not have a car it is easy for me to turn down invitations by merely stating, "I would love to, but I don’t have a car so I can’t get there, sorry.” But, really that is bullshit. I am not coming because I don’t want to because I have other plans for the evening and they are with me, myself, and I. Why have I been afraid to say that? Do I not want to be judged? Is that selfish? Am I not a good friend, if I am willingly not going to support their shows? But, I am still in INDIA!!!! Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I still have the same intentions that I made for my India trip I am just not there geographically.
I have to be honest. The biggest thing that I was excited about for India……was not being around anyone that I know!!!! Crazy, right? I love my friends and family dearly. They are an amazing group of people, so supporting, loving, and grateful. They really live life powerfully. I was excited to be away from them though, so I would not be able to accept any invitations. So that I could only listen to myself and move at my pace and transform without anyone around knowing the "old" me. So, coming back here and still keeping the same intentions means really listening to that voice within even more, no matter how hard it is to do. So I call the birthday present friend and admit the thoughts that I am having along with everything else that had just come up for me. They are able to understand that I am not calling and asking for a new gift and remind me that being a YES to myself may mean being a NO to someone else and that is okay. The phone then gets handed over to another special friend who happens to be there to which she passes along to me what a teacher of her’s says, “You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can put it on someone else.” Well, there you go. This is my time to make sure that I have that oxygen mask secured correctly on myself.
I go into my meeting feeling refreshed and grateful that I had that drive because of all that came up for me. When I come in they are happy I made it and sorry I had to drive. I tell them it ended up being perfect because I re-instated my intentions and I am now going to back out of the commitments I had made for the following weekend in San Diego. As I am saying this, I wonder why I am still going through with the commitment that this meeting is for. I mean how many times have I thought about pulling out? But, no, this is an amazing event and I am so grateful that they invited me to be a part of it. I will do it. The meeting happened and I am confident that all of the production planning for the event is working out and all of the bases are covered. So can I back out then? I mean even though I would be a great help to them, they really will be fine with out me. But I don’t back out of commitments! I don’t let people down! Argh! It is so hard to listen to what I really want sometimes! I just want to run out of there. They have a massage booked for me as a birthday gift and thank you, and I didn’t even care, I just want to go! I share my thoughts with them and they are understanding. They suggest that I go into a mediation room and have some time there before my massage. Okay, I concede, that may be nice. As soon as I close the door, I start to bawl out tears. I don’t want to do this anymore! I just want India! I want to stick to my intentions. Yes, this is an amazing event with amazing people, but it isn’t where my focus is right now. Okay, I am going to tell them that I am choosing to no longer be a part of the event. If they have any questions or need an help via email or phone I am available, but I will not be coming back down here. I hope that I can work with you in the future though.
I feel like a huge heavy coat had been wrapped around me and now vanished into thin air. Back to India I go. I call friends that I had committed to and tell them that I love them and support them 100%, I just will not be at their events physically right now. Please keep extending invitations to me as I may choose to leave India for the day and also feel free to visit me here in India (also known as Hermosa Beach). I call my mother and I share with her my day and of my re-committing to my intentions. I laugh saying from now on when turning down invitations I may say, “I already have plans with Tricia for the evening.” As we end the call, she says, “Okay, well you and Tricia have fun tonight!” To which I reply, “Oh we always do!”
Posted by Tricia Huffman at 2:32 PM