realized while stepping into my past

Saturday night I attended Jason Mraz’s Cord Progression fund raiser for Life Rolls On. I am sure you all know that I have worked for him for the last four years as a sound engineer, tour manager, and then joyologist. I never really wanted to go to the show. I had planned on being at Deepak Chopra’s Symposium, so there was no way that I could go, but then I chose to not be a part of the Chopra event. A friend asked me after I had backed out of the Chopra event if I was going to the show and I thought there really is no reason for me to go. I am quite over seeing shows right now. I don’t need to go. I don’t want to go. No, I am not going.

A few days before the show, Jason emailed me asking if I had any interest in going to the show because Jesse Billauer was introducing him onto stage with a video that we shot months ago to show at LRO's Gala that Jason could not be apart of. In the video Jason jokes that in honor of Jesse, he doesn't even walk anywhere and then I appear and carry him off screen. Jesse and Jason thought it would be a fun idea for me to carry him out onstage to start his set after that video played. So, did I have any interest in doing that? It was too funny to resist. So, Yes I will go, because I now have a job.

I made up that I, along with all of my friends that I knew were going had seats, had tickets. When I go to will call I got one ticket and two wrist bands for my friend and I. I had planned on going backstage only to do my job and watch the rest of the show from the audience, now what? I call to make sure this is right and it is, his guest list was way overfull. So, we head backstage and to my surprise find all of my friends on the side of the stage. The shrieks and hugs begin. I do love these people! They are commenting on how amazing I look, I must have lost weight (nope). I am glowing. I look so happy. One friend, who I rarely see and am not super close to is gushing that I appear to be so grounded. She has never seen me look this grounded. I take it all in. I am appreciative of each person’s words for me. I feel the truth in it all.

I notice that I am actually being with each person that I speak to. There are a lot of people around and I notice others jumping from person to person, cutting off people as they are talking to them to say hi to someone else and then not returning to the conversation they were previously having. I am grateful for my ability to re-instate conversations after interruptions. If someone is speaking to me and in the middle a new person jumps in to say hello, I make a point to pick up that original conversation where it left off. I love this about myself.

I am completely content and happy in my old surroundings, backstage, with people I used to work with. The core road crew is there, all of the management team is about. I am here as a bystander, as a friend, as a supporter and I am perfectly placed there. I do not have any feelings of wanting to be a part of it. I am not judging what is happening, or what would be different if I were a part of it. I am simply being and enjoying my surroundings. Enjoying who I am and all of these lovely people that have come together tonight.

I find Jason when I get there to make sure that I am able to lift and carry him and then he finds me right before Jesse is introducing him. As we are there, waiting to make our entrance we stop and remember to take a love hug. Each night before he went onstage last year, 2009, I gave him and each member of the band one of these super special conscious hugs. We take a long one and then it is time. I scoop him up like a baby and carry him out to the piano bench, whisper "Have a great show" in his ear and scurry back to the side of the stage to watch.

When the show ends I leave without saying goodbye. I assume he is busy meeting and greeting and who know whatting. It is a great thing to feel so close to him (or anyone) that I don't need to say hello or goodbye. Each time we see each other it picks right back up where we left off. I create our friendship as so deep and so strong that nothing really matters. We know each other, we support each other, we love each other. It is that simple.

the boss

I am constantly having conversations with myself that go like this. “I want to do ________” “Well, you know you can.” “Really!?!?!!? I can?” “Yep, you can do whatever you like, whenever you like.” Now mind you these things that I want to do are things like “I want to work out my arms” “I want to hula hoop” “I want to go for a bike ride, but it’s 7pm at night”. They are quite simple things, but they come into my head, as if they are crazy thoughts that can NOT be done right now! Well, you missed yoga class and you just ate dinner, so you missed your chance to work out your arms”. Or "no, you usually only ride your bike in the daylight, even though the path is lit up and you have lights for your bike.” Silly little things, and it feels like the biggest freedom in the world to answer those thoughts with, "if you want to do that, you can!" Such freedoms I have granted for myself!

activated

Ahhhhh! I did it! I woked up! (An expression that my niece exclaimed in the mornings when she was a toddler). I made it to early AM yoga! Since, I have been on a yoga vacation I made up that it will be easier for me to set my alarm to wake up and go straight to the first yoga class offered of the day to get back to it. What happens is although I have been waking up early naturally, I have no time concept and end up missing classes all day long and saying, "I'll go to the later one" and now more than a week has gone by with me not attending class. It was quite nice to be on this vacation, the longest I have taken from my yoga practice in years. I was still active and I was still doing asanas throughout the day, but I was not able to put a practice together and be still in it. It was a little bit here, a little bit there. I didn’t really miss my practice. Maybe because in the past I really needed that designated 75 minutes (or so) to get me centered, to get me grounded, to open my heart, and connect to myself and the world around me. Now, I am living and breathing all of that and more with each moment of each day.

I also no longer think of a yoga class as my physical exercise for the day. Of course, like many of us that is how I got into yoga, as a way of fitness. I was hooked instantly and it did not take long for the power of yoga to change my life and my body. I gave up my gym membership and became a yogini. Yoga taught me so much about myself and soon yoga was with me on the mat and off, teaching me life lessons each day. Yoga let me truly accept myself and love myself as I am. Today I am different then yesterday and I am even different from one moment to the next. It taught me to use a beginners mind over and over again. It taught me to push past what I thought were my body's limits and to stay with it, to keep breathing through physical pain and exertion. My yoga practice also taught me to listen to myself when I wanted to rest. Realizing that I need to rest or take a modified position is one of the biggest moments to me. To know that I am physically able to go into tripod headstand right now from crow, but to realize that I want to rest instead of pushing myself is as much a treat as telling myself I can’t do a pose and then trying anyways and doing it!

I may not have missed my practice while on my vacation from yoga, but you better believe that I did not want that class to end this morning and I am now sitting here in that yoga bliss thinking about going back to the noon class! The yoga bliss to me is feeling all of my neurons fully alive and activated. Feeling that my heart is so open it feels as if a rainbow is exploding from my chest. Feeling the openness in my joints and muscles as I glide like a ballerina from one place to the next. Oh yoga, I love you and what you are to me. I am grateful for you and all that you have taught me and continue to teach me.

....

I love that my current yoga practice consists of lots of random handstands.

I love that there is always sand underneath my toenails.

I love that my clock is almost always ignored.

I love that my hula hoop has become my activity when floating from one activity to the next.

I love that my backyard is the beach.

I love that I feel more at home down on that sand then I have ever felt in my life.

I love that the background music to my life consists mostly of the music of my closest dearest friends.

I love that I do not have a car and that I use these legs to pedal or step me to where I want to be.

I love that I have now not only gotten rid of the word "should" but also "need". My life consists of only "wants".

I love that I have fresh gorgeous flowers blooming on my table.

I love this ink on my skin, reminding me of the power I am, the power that is in me, the power that is mine to use.

I love the spontaneous dance routines that pour out of me that out shine Flashdance for sure.

I love laughing at myself, with myself all day long.

I love that the words "YEOW" and "RAD" are part of my current vocabulary.

I love that I am not keeping track of what I eat or when I eat or how I eat.

I love the curls of my hair.

I love the glow of my skin.

I love the skin on my bones.

I love the muscle underneath my flesh.

I love who I am.

I love who you are.

I love that I am who I am and She is who She is and He is who He is.

I love this life that I have created.

I love this life that I am creating.

I love that I get to choose each moment and create each moment. Each moment is mine and yours and ours to create with it what we like.

a yogini

I thought just came to me. I am on a yoga vacation. Not a yoga vacation where you go away and practice a lot of yoga. The type where I am on a vacation from practicing yoga. Well, really I am doing yoga I am just not going to classes. I am not sitting in a set place for a set amount of time and practicing asanas. I am doing asanas, when my body craves them. I am sitting in bliss. I am taking deep breaths and coming back to my intention when my mind drifts away. I am letting go of staleness in my body and mind. I am opening my heart. I am in tune with the kundalini energy. I am one with my 7 chakras. I am grounded to the earth. I am bowing to the divine within each of us. I am on a yoga vacation. Namaste.

creation

I keep checking my arms to see if they have turned into wings, I feel as if I am soaring. I am currently sitting at my desk, which is next to the glass sliding door of my balcony, drinking my morning Mate’ and water. When I get up to use the restroom or do whatever it is I do, I find myself randomly doing handstands before I sit back down. The world belongs to me and I belong to it. Each breathe that a take helps me to grow and supports the growth around me as well. I look out and see a tree outside of my balcony. We are growing together, we are blooming together, this tree and I. What are said tree and I doing to support this growth, you ask? We are simply being. We are breathing, we are conscious, we are connected. We are touched, moved and inspired by everything that is around us.

Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. To an outsider, I may appear as a girl alone at home in the middle of the day in her pajamas with mussed hair, unwashed skin, and unbrushed teeth, crying in sadness or loneliness. To me though, I am the world. I am joy. I am love inspiring. I am anything and everything. From me anything can be created. This is the life I have. This is the life I was given. This is the life that I have created. My heart, my soul, my entire being is soaring.

unconditonal love

A moment in time that I witnessed yesterday at Venice Beach pier.

I tagged along on a bikeriding adventure in the morning with one of my best friends who was assisting Life Rolls On (www.liferollson.org) in bringing a surfer with a spinal cord injury out in the water to surf again (which is super amazing, but not the moment I am talking about). There were around eight to ten guys there to assist, including a small film crew. One of the guys had his dog with him. The dog was of a mid-size black and white herding breed and was eager to make friends with anyone who would throw his frisbee. When I first spotted this, I had a good laugh remembering a time I visited a friend and as soon as the dog walked up to me she almost yelled, "Do not throw the ball! If you it will never stop!" Well, this dog had no problem finding people to throw the frisbee. While her dad was on the pier accessing the water for the surf adventure the dog went from person to person as they tired of throwing it. I was stoked when she dropped the frisbee at my feet. She soon started a little cycle, this way making sure to not wear her playmates out.

Then, a whistle was let out and the dog dropped the frisbee, changed direction, leaped over a cement wall and ran into the sand to where her owner was on the pier. The pier was too tall for her to jump over, so she kept running and stopping to see if she could jump now. She gave up on the jump and ran to the start of the pier and then up it to her Daddy. Arriving at his feet with a wagging tail and kisses.

I watched all of this and said outloud, "Now, that is love." To stop everything immediately and run as fast as you can back to your loved one, simply because they let out a little call. No questions asked, just pure love, pure unconditional love.

It is that easy isn't it? Just to love.