an open window

So, there is a boy that I have had a crush on for months and I have finally started to communicate with him on a regular basis. I call him my pretend husband and he loves it and began to call me wife. We share a fondness for each other. For what we stand for in life. For our commitment to honesty and many other things. I love this man and he is certainly handsome. Could this be a love connection? We hung out last weekend and had so much fun. We were flirty and have been in constant communication since. I was getting excited about the possibility of a "real" relationship with him. At the same time I was half over it. I needed clarity, are we both just naturally flirty, fun beings or is this something more? So, this morning I asked plain and simple to my pretend husband, “Do you only have interest in me as a friend or something more?” He responded that I was his super duper friend. Cool! Thank you! Moving along!

I was excited to have the possibility of a love interest, but at the same time I wasn't set on it being him. But he is cute and nice AND fun, I told myself. I started to have feelings this week that he was turning into a brother, with all of our fun banter and teasing back and forth. I thought, "there I go again, making hot boys into my brothers". I have so many gorgeous, amazing boy friends that I love to the end of the earth, and now I have another, GREAT! HAHA. I almost wrote him off. Oh, this isn’t going anywhere more than friends? Well your rad, but I am all filled up on rad friends. Thanks for applying, I will contact you when I have an opening.

I have definitely been guilty of having this thought before and not just with possible love interests. I have a ton of AMAZING friends, I don't need to meet you. I am at capacity, I already have too many "best" friends to count. Sure I will say hello, allow an introduction, but I really don’t care who you are. But, then of course I do get to know this someone new and I am blown away. I almost never knew that person?!?!??! I almost turned my back to them? I never know who is going to touch my life. Who will inspire me. Who will be my next partner in collaboration. Who will be my soulmate and not just in the romantic way.

We are a planet of amazing beings. People that I may think I have nothing in common with may be my best friend just waiting to be discovered. They may expose a part of myself that I never knew existed or had any desire for, but shortly after meeting them I can not imagine my life without. Even if I share only a singular conversation with someone, they effect me, they inspire me.

I will never be full on friends! I am committed to keeping my windows cracked to welcome undiscovered brothers and sisters in to my life. Come say hello to me, I will open myself up to you and be receiving for you to open up to me.

(just not on facebook, i keep that private to people I already do know...hahha)

conscious

Is there anything better than this? Is a question that I have currently found myself asking several times a day, during many different moments. The moment that currently brought it up for me is sitting on perfectly placed rocks that make a nice chair for me, less than 25 ft from the waves of the ocean. My knees pulled into my chest, giving myself a big hug and I am right at the foot of the stairs to my building. I am in my backyard.

Early today, I recall saying that same statement, “is there anything better than this?” as I left yoga class with an amazing openness in my body as I glided out of the studio (part glide/part stumble actually, getting my bearings back after savasana).

Monday afternoon, I said “Is there anything better this?” as I climbed back into bed around noon, pulled my cozy comforter up around me and picked up a good book to read. Later that day when I was eating a sinfully good gluten-free vegan pizza out of the box while sitting on the floor, I asked the same question.

So, this statement (question) has become a constant in my life. It is quite funny to me because I am asking “is there is anything better than this?” all day long everyday about doing different things. But, I am not weighing them out. I am not comparing one delight to the next. Well, lets see IS sitting by the water better than laying in bed cozied up with a book? Or what about eating pizza is that at the top or bottom of the “is anything better” list. These are all the moments, the things, the loves that make up my life. Not one is better than the other. What the are, are simply moments that make me pause and sit in appreciation of where I am in that very conscious moment and I am so grateful for all of those moments!

a stand for you and who you want to be.

I want to save the world. I want everyone to feel loved. I want everyone to know that they are perfect. We are all going to be okay. We don’t have to try so hard. We just have to be. We just have to follow our hearts and do what we want. We don’t need to be perfect, we already are. We don’t need to be the same. We don’t need to be angels. It is okay to be the devil. WE can be whatever we want to be. We get to create it. We all have wings. We all have horns. You don’t have to be vegan. You don’t have to be raw. You don’t have to turn off your TV. You can have blue hair. You can have perfectly placed blond highlights. You can dress in the top designers. You can wear army boots and a trench coat. You can hula hoop. You can think hula hooping is lame. You can burn candles, or incense, or aromatherapy, or firewood, or books. You can hunt. You can belong to PETA. You don’t have to agree with everyone. You don’t have to disagree with everyone. WE CAN all live here on this earth together. We can be complete opposites and still have love and respect for each other. I will love you no matter what. You don’t even have to like me. You don’t have to agree with me. You can be whoever you are and I will still love you. I love you. Even, if I don’t know you, I love you. WE are all here on this earth. We are all just figuring it out the best we can.

Just try it. Start with a smile. I got one for you, now pass it along, to anyone, and you know what? It doesn't matter if they return the smile. It doesn't matter if they look away or give you a crazy look. Just try it. Or don't. You can do whatever you like. You can be whoever you like. Just try to not judge those people over there that are doing what they want and what they like. But, I am still gonna love you if you do judge.

Deal?

a hug for myself

I am lying on my stomach on the floor as I type the end of my last blog and I start laughing and lie my face down on the floor. The laughter turns into crying, then back to laughing, then sobbing. I love this moment. I don’t ever want to forget it as I lie with my right leg sprawled out and the left leg bent so that my foot is propped up on the wall. My right cheek is resting on the floor with my gaze set onto my left arm that is at a 90 degree angle with the words “hold space” staring back at me.

I hold space for all these bits that make up who I am.

And now I feel as if a huge heaviness is released from me. I am light-headed and airy feeling. I am dancing in the wind. I am weightless. I am shaking. I am grateful for finding this way to express myself, for getting it outside of me. I have always battled with that, who do I call? Who do I talk to about so many things in my life? I feel so different, who will get what I have to say? Who will get all of me? I have found that I express myself so much clearer on the page then speaking. I love confrontation, I love talks, but this writing I have is the perfect expression of who I am and of what I feel.

While I was writing this and the last blog I moved from desk to laying with legs up the wall, to lying on the floor, to the toilet (yes, I took my laptop to the toilet with me) and back to the desk. I feel great, I am shaking, I am re-born. I want a hug, I want to cuddle. I look down and see the exercise ball that I am sitting on. I can hug that. Oh, that is crazy. Well, I can do whatever I want, right? Lets try hugging the ball, so I do, and I laugh. It feels good to have my arms wrapped around something right now.



I fall back onto the floor, lauging at myself, laughing with myself. I get back up and make myself something to eat. Maybe, this shaking this funny feeling in my body means that I need some fuel. I eat, clean up and do some things around the house. I am still feeling shaky. I pause and notice that I am currently standing up, embracing myself, giving myself a hug.

with this energy through thick and thin

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of noises, my bladder, discomfort, etc and have this very strong feeling that someone is here in the room with me. It brings up fear immediately. Is there an intruder in my room? The feeling of another’s presence is so strong. I know that there really can not be anyone here in my room, there is no intruder. Is it spirit, then? The air feels so thick that I am afraid to breathe. Since my father passed in March of 2008 I now immediately equate this heavy feeling of presence to him. Dad must be here. Is everything okay, Dad? Have you come to warn me of something? Are you okay? Are you content?

I mean the feeling, the energy, that I wake up to is so heavy that it feels as if a private meeting of the dead, with both good and bad energies, is being held in my bedroom. That they are discussing what the next turn of events in the world will be. It is so eery that I am afraid to move. I know that I am okay, that I am protected, that the spirits are not here to harm me, but God, does it feel strange. I pull the blankets tighter around me, making sure that each part of me is covered, sealed in, and find a pillow or anything within reach to squeeze tightly.

I have to get up. I have to use the bathroom. It’s okay. I can do it. I am safe. These spirits are good. All is good. I am afraid to get up. I am afraid to close my eyes. I am afraid to keep my eyes open.

All of these thoughts, these feelings come up in the time span of 60 seconds, but thinking back to it, I imagine it as a full length feature film. I feel blessed to have those experiences, even if they are quite fearful for me. I want to call someone right now to share this experience, but I don’t know who. Does anyone else have experiences like these? Who will understand? I want to call my sister or my aunt and talk about my Dad, but do they have time? Do they feel like I do? Do they feel these supernatural connections like me? I want to have an actual conversation about it, not for the person on the other line to just listen and be like oh, wow what an experience for you, I really need to go run errands now, talk to you later. Will anyone get it? Does anyone really get me? How can I be so grounded and connected to reality, yet one with the divine and the spirits that surround me? How can I truly trust the powers of the universe and manifestation, yet still be a responsible, money-managing, unemployed, bill-paying citizen? How can I be living what others see as a hippy dippy life, but not feel hippyish at all?

I am who I am from one moment to the next. I am with spirit. I pay my taxes. I know that everything happens for a reason. I like to read perezhilton.com. I am love’s perfect expression. I am a potty mouth. I am all about being eco and hybrid cars. My dream car is the older Mercedes SUV that resembles a mail truck (not a hybrid). I miss my Dad terribly. I have no fucking clue what I am doing next in my life. I am perfectly content with myself in all of this. Who am I? What category do I fit in? Preppy? Stylish? Hippy? Trendsetter? Beach Bum? If you really want to know, I am the definition of Tricia Lee Patricia Huffman. Thank you spirits for clearing any confusion up. Is that what you came to tell me?

SUBJECT TO CHANGE

God. Just look at me now. Sitting on rocks watching seagulls. Sitting in perfect stillness. Me, who used to micro-manage a million things. Me, who used to move so fast that it was practically useless to offer me help as I would finish my part and then loop around to redo yours. Me, who would take care of my job, but ask you a million questions as my production manager/stage manager/tour manager to make sure that you were on top of yours. Me, who would work 18 hour days, backed by 22 hour days and ask for more work. Me, who never understood what “stop and smell the flowers” meant as I never stopped. Yeah, those flowers are pretty, lets keep it moving.

I love all of those versions of me. I love the current version of me. I know those parts are still inside of me and will pop out sometimes, when needed or not. I love that I am “subject to change”.

Enlightened

Is there anything better than just being yourself. Putting yourself all out there with no shame or guilt or fear? Just being!!! I type this into my twitter account as I take a bite of my deliciously sinful vegan gluten-free delivery pizza. I pause and look up in stillness, delight and peace and think is this enlightenment? Eating this pizza out of the box, as I sit on my carpeted floor, looking out my balcony door to see the view of the roof of another building? I really don’t care what it is. It is and I am. This is the best life ever. (giggling to myself with my eyes rolling back in my head)