I am lying on my stomach on the floor as I type the end of my last blog and I start laughing and lie my face down on the floor. The laughter turns into crying, then back to laughing, then sobbing. I love this moment. I don’t ever want to forget it as I lie with my right leg sprawled out and the left leg bent so that my foot is propped up on the wall. My right cheek is resting on the floor with my gaze set onto my left arm that is at a 90 degree angle with the words “hold space” staring back at me.
I hold space for all these bits that make up who I am.
And now I feel as if a huge heaviness is released from me. I am light-headed and airy feeling. I am dancing in the wind. I am weightless. I am shaking. I am grateful for finding this way to express myself, for getting it outside of me. I have always battled with that, who do I call? Who do I talk to about so many things in my life? I feel so different, who will get what I have to say? Who will get all of me? I have found that I express myself so much clearer on the page then speaking. I love confrontation, I love talks, but this writing I have is the perfect expression of who I am and of what I feel.
While I was writing this and the last blog I moved from desk to laying with legs up the wall, to lying on the floor, to the toilet (yes, I took my laptop to the toilet with me) and back to the desk. I feel great, I am shaking, I am re-born. I want a hug, I want to cuddle. I look down and see the exercise ball that I am sitting on. I can hug that. Oh, that is crazy. Well, I can do whatever I want, right? Lets try hugging the ball, so I do, and I laugh. It feels good to have my arms wrapped around something right now.
I fall back onto the floor, lauging at myself, laughing with myself. I get back up and make myself something to eat. Maybe, this shaking this funny feeling in my body means that I need some fuel. I eat, clean up and do some things around the house. I am still feeling shaky. I pause and notice that I am currently standing up, embracing myself, giving myself a hug.