I have a best friend whom I love, (obviously I love her if she is a best friend, right?) but whom also drives me crazy. She is most certainly not attached to her phone. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can sometime take weeks to get a hold of her. I have known her for over ten years. She has such a pure, good, open heart. Obviously, in ten years of being friends we have gone through a lot. I have always been the “stronger” friend. The person that was always there to console the other, to give advice, to offer endless support. I want to say the same with her towards me, but honestly it is hard for me to see that sometimes.
Is this friendship one-sided? I am consistently there for her to lean on, but is she there for me when I need it? For as long as I can remember I have been a dependable friend to all. If someone needs me, I am there, whether it be via phone call, text, email, or in person. Say the word, I am there. Two years ago when my father died, I often found myself at a loss and I needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t know who to call. I would call this friend all day long for days and get no response. This upset me. Did she care about me? I know she is busy and her life is somewhat a mess right now, but can she just listen to me for a few minutes? Can she return the support that I have showed her for years? I know I appear strong, but I need someone! I realized that since I was not leaving messages, simply calling frequently and texting please call me, that she could have made up that I was just calling to chat about my newest crush or whatever. So, finally I did leave sobbing voicemails saying that I needed her.
When we finally talked I told her about all of the things I made up about her and our one-sided friendship. She apologized and I accepted. I do know that her life is busy and not super smooth, but isn't everyone's? Throughout the last two years, this idea of our one-sided friendship reappeared in my mind. I acknowledged the thought and then let it pass. I love her 100% and I hold space for her and any way that she is being in our friendship.
Last week, these thoughts came back again. We had made a plan to take a walk on the beach one night at 5pm. I am living in complete freedom right now, so I took special note that I had agreed to do something at this time. I want to take this walk. I want to spend time with her and catch up. So, it is now 6:30pm and I am sitting at home waiting. I have not heard from her. I am waiting. Do I just go for a walk alone? No, I want to hang with her, so I will wait. Finally at 6:45pm she texts me with an apology she got caught up and is now too tired. Cool, fine, all good. I will go on a walk alone. We will walk tomorrow she says and get dinner too. So, the next day we make plans to meet at 6pm. Same thing, I don’t here from her. I am starving. Do I go ahead and eat? But I really want to hang out with her! I text. I wait. More than an hour later, she apologizes. She is at a meeting that she forgot about and will come pick me up for dinner now if I am still interested.
The same thing happened on Sunday. She told me that she would pick me at 8:45am. I wake up and text her to check in, knowing that there has been a time change. She tells me that she will be unable to leave until 9am now. No problem. So I get ready and enjoy having more time to myself this morning. It is now 10am….Hmmmm. I could have gone for a walk if I had known she would be this late. Finally, at 10:45am she is here and we take off.
When I see her, when we are together, none of my confusion about our friendship comes up. I do love her with all of my heart. She will always be a part of my life. I am committed to being there for her, but also being there for myself. So, I must be honest with her and share with her what comes up for me about her and our friendship. This is the only way that I see it working. How will she know what she is doing to me if I don’t share it? She may make up that I am so carefree that I don’t even realize that she is late.
I appreciate her and who she is. I am grateful for her in my life. Besides, that I get to know the amazing person that she is, she leads me to practice patience and acceptance in my life.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I had a friend like that for a while, and for the longest time, I tried not to let it get to me. There did a come a point, though, when I realized that I was spending more energy thinking about and rationalizing this friendship to myself than actual real-life time spent with her. That gave me a pause. I'll never really write someone out of my life but after that, I did notice that I felt happier nurturing friendships with the many awesome people I see on a much more regular basis than the few inaccessible ones I can't reach.
ReplyDeleteTricia, I am so right there with you. This happens in almost all my friendships--I feel like I give so much to my friendships that it eventually runs me down, and can lead to me resenting the people in my life I should cherish the most. This is something that, like you, goes on chronically with my best friend, whom I've known for going on 15 years. When we're apart, she is a huge flake and seems like she couldn't care less about our friendship--but when we're together, it's like we're 9 years old again and the best thing in the world was Itzakadoozie popsicles. It breaks my heart, but I know that I am a strong person and part of my purpose is to give love wholly and thoroughly, and I have come to be okay with that, but this blog post reinforces it. Thank you for the peace you've helped to give me :)
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I needed! Thank you:-)
ReplyDeleteI was reading a book, there it says "every person appears in your life for a reson..." so this friend appears to teach you patience. Awesome! :-)
I know exactly what you mean. Recently, I went home to Miami and made plans with a close friend for the Thursday I arrived. She never called me back. Friday, we made plans again, and she never called at the time of the plans. Again, this occurred on Saturday, going to the point where she'd texted me that she was "eating a sandwich and then leaving" and then never hearing from her for the rest of the day. My feelings were very, very hurt and I felt tiny and unimportant. We're still friends. I love her. It's tough, though.
ReplyDeleteI've had this discussion with myself in my head and even gone so far to wonder if its me with the issue only to cycle back to no...its simply the difference in who we are as people and the value we place on time and the people we deem important in our life. It became the most glaring to me when my mother died and I too needed support in my life. I too found that being the always there strong person had left me surrounded by those who were unable to see when I did need them to be strong for me or at least be my soft place when I needed a shoulder. It was disappointing until I saw my role in creating it. I don't ask for much from the people in my life and I love to give so I attract these people to me. What I also found is that I have this whole other circle of friends that I adore who I didn't think I was as close to because they are like me, strong and independent women and our friendship isn't based on their needing me or me them...it is based on common interests and in love and respect for who we are. They were there for me, they saw my need and stepped up when I needed it and we've grown much closer. We all know now that we can reach out and know someone will be there. My other friends are life friends and we will always reconnect along life's road and it will be like we never were apart. They will just never be my strength when I need a little extra to pull me through. I will continue to be theirs when they need it because it is what we agreed to when this friendship was conceived and I do love them without question for who they are! Good people who need me and offer unconditional love and friendship in the best way they know how.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend just like that for over 5 yrs. I was always there for her and she was never there for me. I finally gave up. I told her exactly how I felt, and she decided that was the end of our friendship. She had no interest in changing or working to keep our friendship under different "terms." So we parted ways, and looking back, I have to say it's one of the best things that ever happened to me even though I was so hurt and upset at the time and for awhile afterwards. She was a waste of my time, and apparently was here to teach me not to waste my time on those who don't return my affections or appreciate it.
ReplyDelete@anonymous, I so agree w/your last statement...I had a friend who would always want me to come to her side of town, not that I lived that far from her but she wanted convenience... anyhow the past 2 times she would tell me she would call so we could get together... granted she works, takes care of her ailing mom... i have given up trying.. and I feel that if that person truly wants to get together will be on time, no excuses... i think the one who is constantly late, and not owning up to it is self centered and controlling... I've got this rule: if one is 30 min. late and I've tried to contact them and no answer, I leave...and if that doesn't get thru, then they are one tool short as they say.
ReplyDelete