I have a best friend whom I love, (obviously I love her if she is a best friend, right?) but whom also drives me crazy. She is most certainly not attached to her phone. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can sometime take weeks to get a hold of her. I have known her for over ten years. She has such a pure, good, open heart. Obviously, in ten years of being friends we have gone through a lot. I have always been the “stronger” friend. The person that was always there to console the other, to give advice, to offer endless support. I want to say the same with her towards me, but honestly it is hard for me to see that sometimes.
Is this friendship one-sided? I am consistently there for her to lean on, but is she there for me when I need it? For as long as I can remember I have been a dependable friend to all. If someone needs me, I am there, whether it be via phone call, text, email, or in person. Say the word, I am there. Two years ago when my father died, I often found myself at a loss and I needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t know who to call. I would call this friend all day long for days and get no response. This upset me. Did she care about me? I know she is busy and her life is somewhat a mess right now, but can she just listen to me for a few minutes? Can she return the support that I have showed her for years? I know I appear strong, but I need someone! I realized that since I was not leaving messages, simply calling frequently and texting please call me, that she could have made up that I was just calling to chat about my newest crush or whatever. So, finally I did leave sobbing voicemails saying that I needed her.
When we finally talked I told her about all of the things I made up about her and our one-sided friendship. She apologized and I accepted. I do know that her life is busy and not super smooth, but isn't everyone's? Throughout the last two years, this idea of our one-sided friendship reappeared in my mind. I acknowledged the thought and then let it pass. I love her 100% and I hold space for her and any way that she is being in our friendship.
Last week, these thoughts came back again. We had made a plan to take a walk on the beach one night at 5pm. I am living in complete freedom right now, so I took special note that I had agreed to do something at this time. I want to take this walk. I want to spend time with her and catch up. So, it is now 6:30pm and I am sitting at home waiting. I have not heard from her. I am waiting. Do I just go for a walk alone? No, I want to hang with her, so I will wait. Finally at 6:45pm she texts me with an apology she got caught up and is now too tired. Cool, fine, all good. I will go on a walk alone. We will walk tomorrow she says and get dinner too. So, the next day we make plans to meet at 6pm. Same thing, I don’t here from her. I am starving. Do I go ahead and eat? But I really want to hang out with her! I text. I wait. More than an hour later, she apologizes. She is at a meeting that she forgot about and will come pick me up for dinner now if I am still interested.
The same thing happened on Sunday. She told me that she would pick me at 8:45am. I wake up and text her to check in, knowing that there has been a time change. She tells me that she will be unable to leave until 9am now. No problem. So I get ready and enjoy having more time to myself this morning. It is now 10am….Hmmmm. I could have gone for a walk if I had known she would be this late. Finally, at 10:45am she is here and we take off.
When I see her, when we are together, none of my confusion about our friendship comes up. I do love her with all of my heart. She will always be a part of my life. I am committed to being there for her, but also being there for myself. So, I must be honest with her and share with her what comes up for me about her and our friendship. This is the only way that I see it working. How will she know what she is doing to me if I don’t share it? She may make up that I am so carefree that I don’t even realize that she is late.
I appreciate her and who she is. I am grateful for her in my life. Besides, that I get to know the amazing person that she is, she leads me to practice patience and acceptance in my life.