Compassionate with myself

Around 1pm yesterday afternoon, it happened. My body told me to stop. My body told me that it was tired. I still had a full day planned! I was meeting an amazing inspiring yoga teacher that I met in Thailand for dinner and I had committed to going to see a good friend's show. When this exhaustion set in, I knew I had to let go of some of my plans. I really just wanted to slump into a ball and take a nap. I even thought about taking one in the car I was borrowing.

I concluded a nap was not possible at that time, so I opted for a walk along the beach in Hermosa. I have walked this path many times before with one of my best friends. It used to be a routine of ours everytime that I was in town to catch up on each other's lives. She was too busy running her amazing cafe (Planet Earth) to get away so I had to go it alone. I put my ipod on and started a casual walking pace on the path all decked out in my running gear. After about 15 minutes, I was feeling drawn off the cement path and towards the sand and the waves. I started to walk towards the entrance to the sand and then stopped myself. "I don't walk in the sand in these shoes, " I told myself and, "I am not taking off my shoes and carrying them, that is too much to carry." So I turned away from the sand and continued on the path and then I fought back to myself, "What are these rules that I made up? And why do I have to follow them? If I want to walk in the sand right now in these running shoes, I CAN DO that!" And I did.

I was drawn straight to the water and I felt like I was being drawn into a new world. That peace, that beauty overwhelmed me. My breaking of my own made up rule brought me back to my father's funeral. After the funeral I was stuck in my chair, unable to stand up. My friends took turns sitting down next to hug me goodbye and once they were all gone I still just sat staring at a huge blown up picture of my dad, unable to move. All that I wanted to do was to cry my head off, but I wouldn't allow it. I was trying to keep it in. I kept telling myself, "you can't do that, keep it together." Then, I finally said "Who cares! It's my father's f*ing funeral! If I want to cry and scream I can do that, my father just f*ing died." And then the tears overcame me, I started to scream/whale/cry and I could not stop. I was overcome with this feeling to lay on the floor in front of his portrait, and once again I told myself that I was not allowed to do this, people would think I was crazy! The feeling wouldn't go away though, so I did it. I crawled onto the floor and cried more and more. It felt so amazing to have that much emotion flowing through me and to let it happen. Since that day, a beautiful thing happened, whenever I start to cry I just say to myself, "okay, emotion is present." I don't try to label it or figure out why I am crying. I just let it flow.

When I returned from my walk, I felt better, but still exhausted. So, I made a new plan for the night. I still met with my Thailand connection, but instead of going to the show, I met up with my friends at their house before. I got to be with them and share laughs with them and support them while still being compassionate with myself. I got to retire early and sleep in a lovely cozy house all by myself.

Today, I woke up to go to a yoga class before driving back south to San Diego. It was hard to pull myself out of bed, but I knew my body would thank me. The class started with a mild warm up and then straight into handstands, forearm stands, and headstands. Once again, this is not the class I was expecting, but I took it on. My body was super sore and tight and at the beginning I was in extreme pain. I thought, this may be hard for me right now, but I know it is really going to help. I often love to flow fast and that is what this teacher was offering, but I could not move like that today! Instead of being frustrated, I just went with my own pace and listened to my body. After the first fifteen minutes, the teacher said to me, "I thought you were really tight today? Hmmmm. I guess it's all relative." Isn't that true for everything in life!

So, I made it through and got on the road to San Diego. Even though the yoga had opened a lot up and released a lot, my body was still tired! I felt so tired that I thought I was going to cry of exhaustion on the drive. I made it to my new home here and cleared my schedule. I had semi-planned several things to fit into each day, but now I had to put myself and my tired body first. I put the word out that I was listening to my body and that I wasn't sure what I would attend to in the next few days and that felt amazing!

So the moral of this short story is I love you body and mind. I am listening.