Friday, December 11, 2009

Compassionate with myself

Around 1pm yesterday afternoon, it happened. My body told me to stop. My body told me that it was tired. I still had a full day planned! I was meeting an amazing inspiring yoga teacher that I met in Thailand for dinner and I had committed to going to see a good friend's show. When this exhaustion set in, I knew I had to let go of some of my plans. I really just wanted to slump into a ball and take a nap. I even thought about taking one in the car I was borrowing.

I concluded a nap was not possible at that time, so I opted for a walk along the beach in Hermosa. I have walked this path many times before with one of my best friends. It used to be a routine of ours everytime that I was in town to catch up on each other's lives. She was too busy running her amazing cafe (Planet Earth) to get away so I had to go it alone. I put my ipod on and started a casual walking pace on the path all decked out in my running gear. After about 15 minutes, I was feeling drawn off the cement path and towards the sand and the waves. I started to walk towards the entrance to the sand and then stopped myself. "I don't walk in the sand in these shoes, " I told myself and, "I am not taking off my shoes and carrying them, that is too much to carry." So I turned away from the sand and continued on the path and then I fought back to myself, "What are these rules that I made up? And why do I have to follow them? If I want to walk in the sand right now in these running shoes, I CAN DO that!" And I did.

I was drawn straight to the water and I felt like I was being drawn into a new world. That peace, that beauty overwhelmed me. My breaking of my own made up rule brought me back to my father's funeral. After the funeral I was stuck in my chair, unable to stand up. My friends took turns sitting down next to hug me goodbye and once they were all gone I still just sat staring at a huge blown up picture of my dad, unable to move. All that I wanted to do was to cry my head off, but I wouldn't allow it. I was trying to keep it in. I kept telling myself, "you can't do that, keep it together." Then, I finally said "Who cares! It's my father's f*ing funeral! If I want to cry and scream I can do that, my father just f*ing died." And then the tears overcame me, I started to scream/whale/cry and I could not stop. I was overcome with this feeling to lay on the floor in front of his portrait, and once again I told myself that I was not allowed to do this, people would think I was crazy! The feeling wouldn't go away though, so I did it. I crawled onto the floor and cried more and more. It felt so amazing to have that much emotion flowing through me and to let it happen. Since that day, a beautiful thing happened, whenever I start to cry I just say to myself, "okay, emotion is present." I don't try to label it or figure out why I am crying. I just let it flow.

When I returned from my walk, I felt better, but still exhausted. So, I made a new plan for the night. I still met with my Thailand connection, but instead of going to the show, I met up with my friends at their house before. I got to be with them and share laughs with them and support them while still being compassionate with myself. I got to retire early and sleep in a lovely cozy house all by myself.

Today, I woke up to go to a yoga class before driving back south to San Diego. It was hard to pull myself out of bed, but I knew my body would thank me. The class started with a mild warm up and then straight into handstands, forearm stands, and headstands. Once again, this is not the class I was expecting, but I took it on. My body was super sore and tight and at the beginning I was in extreme pain. I thought, this may be hard for me right now, but I know it is really going to help. I often love to flow fast and that is what this teacher was offering, but I could not move like that today! Instead of being frustrated, I just went with my own pace and listened to my body. After the first fifteen minutes, the teacher said to me, "I thought you were really tight today? Hmmmm. I guess it's all relative." Isn't that true for everything in life!

So, I made it through and got on the road to San Diego. Even though the yoga had opened a lot up and released a lot, my body was still tired! I felt so tired that I thought I was going to cry of exhaustion on the drive. I made it to my new home here and cleared my schedule. I had semi-planned several things to fit into each day, but now I had to put myself and my tired body first. I put the word out that I was listening to my body and that I wasn't sure what I would attend to in the next few days and that felt amazing!

So the moral of this short story is I love you body and mind. I am listening.


  1. Good girl. Get some awesome rest. You've been doing a lot for awhile. It's time for some R&R of the real rest variety.

  2. I agree w/Jen... Listen to your body...

  3. Enjoy your weekend, get a cup of Mate, and chill :)

  4. maintaining the balance of body, mind, and heart is so key love! what the mind ignores, the body reveals. trust the messages of your body all ways! sometimes you just have to commit a moment of doing nothing at all. i have do-nothing moments, where I really just don't do any thing!

    and this part "What are these rules that I made up? And why do I have to follow them? If I want to walk in the sand right now in these running shoes, I CAN DO that!" --- I was having this same conversation with myself about my made-up rules on what to do and not do. to be free is to move without yesterday's rules! yesterday isn't here after all!

  5. Hi,
    I just started reading your blog, and I love it, your outlook on life is so refreshing. And it inspired me to create my own blog so , Thank You!

  6. I think you're amazing. I wish I had the same strength and acceptance that shines through your blog.

    Keep loving, laughing, learning, and living.