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Thursday, December 24, 2009

one with spirit

Today, December 24th, is my Father's birthday. He died in the spring of 2008, so this is the second one I have spent without him. My parents got divorced during my senior year of college, after my sister had already married. My sister spent Christmas Eve with her in-laws so usually it was just my mother, father, and I to celebrate on his birthday. We usually went out to dinner and then to a movie. It was pretty much the only time I went to the movies with my family. After the divorce, my father and I kept the tradition going. Our first solo birthday celebration I decided to cook. I had never really cooked a big meal for anyone before and I went all out. I made a cheese and fruit plate for him to snack on while I was cooking. Then an appetizer of seared scallops. Followed by a main entree of ahi tuna, mushroom risotto, and roasted brussel sprouts. For dessert, I simply served the best chocolate I could find with fresh berries (he loved his chocolate). I remember this meal so vividly because when sorting through his belongings I found a picture of my meal, and I was so touched by that.

Both this year and last, I chose not to go home to Cincinnati to be with the rest of my family for Christmas Eve. It just doesn't feel right to me. I don't want to spend my father's birthday with anyone else but him and I feel that being out in nature is the best way to do that. Today, I started my day with an intense heated yoga class. I returned home to shower and make a green shake and then headed to the water. It was gorgeous in San Diego today. I parked on the side of the road, kicked of my shoes, and grabbed my ipod. I switched it on to a playlist I had made to honor my dad and started down the path to the sand.

I took my time, pausing to watch the surfers, to stretch, to just be. Now and then tears would start to flow but I didn't feel sad. I wasn't choosing to be alone because I wanted to seep in my sorrow. I wasn't depressed. I wanted to be alone so that I could purposely pay attention to his spirit that surrounds me. Little memories that I had long forgotten came up all day long and they each made me so much more grateful for the father I got to have. For the father I get to have. I know he is always with me. I know that I am protected, but of course I miss him beyond belief.



12 comments:

  1. You just made me cry. Not because I'm sad, but because you are a wonderful person. You will never be alone. You have you father who will always be with you. But you friends and family, I'm sure, are thinking of you all the time. And the people who don't know you, like me, who think of you right now. You are a beautyful person. Take care. Hope all your wishes come true this christmas.
    You are loved <3

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  2. happy holidays. touched by today's entry. everybody who still has their parents has a lot to be thankful for and you reminded me of that.

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  3. Every year u will remember- that's a good thing, you're keeping him alive in memory.... I know what u are going thru having lost a husband, grandma, brother...each was a different loss...Each year the hurt lessened, not gone tho, 'more dulled'.... I am sure your dad was with u that day on the beach and was listening w/you...

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  4. Lovely writing. My father passed away when I was twelve so this resonated with me.

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  5. Ah! I see. You were a Joyologist in training and he was your Master. :) Wonderful photos...

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  6. i am sure he will miss you too, but he would wish the best for you, to be strong and happy. :) most sincere blessings to you.

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  7. thanks for sharing this, i'm sure he is so proud of you...you're a beautiful soul. hope you have a happy new year! love from argentina...
    Nat.

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  8. Thank you for the lessons and moments that I have learned since finding you, this blog, and your twitter posts. You should know.... you have given me such a gift! I am more mindful, more grateful and more generous with my family than ever! I experienced the most astounding Christams this year and in no small part b/c of you and your joy! I honor you... I honor your dad.. and your relationship with eachother! THANK YOU!

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  9. Your blogs are inspiring. What you say about surrounding yourself with your father's spirit was touching. I had never thought of it that way. I enjoy reading your blogs; they reassure me of just how grateful we must be about what we have in life. You are indeed a beautiful person with such a great heart!

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  10. Thanks for sharing this with us on the interwebz. Your father sounds like a pretty amazing man.

    Lovexinfinityandbeyond,
    dom.

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  11. Thank you for so beautifully expressing so many things that I too feel. I lost my Mom, my best friend and angel about the same time as your Dad and there just isn't an event that is quite the same without seeing her smiling face and gorgeous blue eyes but I do..she comes in my dreams and we talk and laugh and as I enjoy the new times and make new memories we share them because I feel her in every moments and all I have to do is stop and breathe and she's there enjoying them with us. You honor your father beautifully with who you are everyday! He is so proud and so happy!

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  12. my father passed two easters ago. not one single day has passed where i dont miss him. it has been easier, but his memories never fade. every christmas and holiday he'd show up at 730am to have coffee and watch me cook and play with his grandkid. he was the most amazing guy i have ever known. and i am so grateful to have had him present for 29 years. i know he sees everything and is still with me everyday. but i do miss him so much. and reading this entry made me reallize that you and i are alike in that way. thanks for sharing your thoughts tricia. big hugs to you today wherever you might be finding yourself mama. take care and be well.

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