Monday, November 16, 2009

Completely Satisfied in this Now Moment

Ever since, I typed the words This is my life's purpose in a blog last week, my life has changed immensely. My relationship to myself, food, exercise, friends, everything and it changed in an instant without me being conscious to it.

I have always loved food. For over ten years I have thought of food as medicine for my body. I healed myself of fibromylgia by changing my diet. I eat the best, cleanest foods, but I love food. In the past I would have a hard time saying no to it. I would eat past my limit and eat fast. Since the evening of my exclamation, a miracle happened. I suddenly started to eat slowly, and stop when I was full! I savor each bite, and though I am greatly enjoying my food (I even ate at my favorite restaurant), I end up leaving almost half of it on my plate. I am completely satisfied in this now moment!

Another thing that shifted was my relationship to my body. The morning after typing those huge words, I went to a yoga class. Recently, I had noticed that I was on the higher end of my ever-shifting scale and I was ready to shed the extra layer of me. Often in yoga, I find myself in positions where it is really easy to judge my external body. The extra supportive padding is put in my immediate view, and often times I can be judgmental of myself. This day, I was feeling stronger than I had of late and felt light in my body, freer to move. It felt as if I wasn't holding onto as much in my body. When in positions where my mind often goes to judgement it instead was supportive and acknowledging a new slimness which I couldn't see even the day before. Towards the end of the class, we went into a deep twist, which forces everyone's extra goodness to stick out into full view. When I went into the twist and happen to glance down to see that extra part of me, I didn't go into judgement mode. Instead, this loving, compassionate inner voice came up and said in the softest, sweetest way, "I don't need you anymore. It's OK for you to leave me, now. I am safe here without you." What?!?!?!??!??! Where did that come from? What does that mean? Wow! It was so beautiful and comforting!

On the walk back to my friend's house after the class, I shared with her my experience in yoga that day. I described the voice that came up in the final twist, and through my sharing realized that all of this time I must have been subconsciously holding onto my extra, outer layer as some sort of protection. Protection from what, I have no idea, but over the years it comes and goes a little, but I always felt like I was fighting with it. I would try to push it away, but somehow I really need it? No more, though, I do not need it. I don't need that protection. I know that I am protected in all moments, in all spaces, with all beings.

When we got back to my friend's apartment, I happened to glance up into a mirror as I was passing through and I seriously did not recognize myself. I showed up different to myself. The day went along with a new vibrance, a new lightness, a new me. That evening, I was on the train back to Oceanside and excused myself to the restroom as soon as soon as I boarded. When I closed the door and looked up into my reflection, I almost jumped back. I stared at myself and said," Holy shit, I am gorgeous!" and I believed it. I have been having moments like this ever since. In fact, I just looked up into mirror, as I was typing this and blew myself away. This is me at the moment I saw myself.

My relationships with other people has also changed since knowing myself as this new self. I feel dedicated to the people in my life in a new way. I choose to be with them and hear them and inspire love in them. There were a few days this week that I was juggling multiple errands in the midst of making stops to see friends, or ran into friends while trying to accomplish my tasks. I chose to share time with them instead of rushing through to get to my next errand and it felt great. I really wanted to hear them and be with them. My days all fell together, I accomplished everything that I needed to. At times when I ran late for appointments the universe swooped in and made it ok, everything lined up perfectly. I chose to cancel one meeting with a friend that was on the other end of the city, so that I could move more freely through the rest of my day and it turned out that they forgot they had other plans, anyway. It all worked out. I even found myself opening up to friends of my friends. People who in the past, I really did not even try to get to know. I would be polite to them, answered questions they had for me, but never really cared to know anymore about them then I already did. Upon arrival home to Oceanside a few of these "friends of friends" showed up and I was actually excited to see them. I sat down with them, chatted with them, inquired into their lives, and even offered them hugs upon their departures! That may seem like small potatoes for you, but this is huge for me! I am opening up to everyone, I am peeling back my layers and a new love inspiring Tricia is showing up.


  1. You are gorgeous! I know that might not mean as much coming from a girl, but still!


  2. That is so beautiful. Keep on keepin' on. It's amazing to get to read.

  3. That is truely a beautiful expression! I am starting to see myself differently too! It is so exciting and freeing when you can look in the mirror and see beauty! Thanks for sharing.

    I didnt know you HAD(!?) fibromyalgia! You should write about it and how you came out of it! It could help so many people!

  4. I will second both the comment that you are gorgeous and the request for you to write about fibromyalgia. My mom has been struggling with it for over 15 years now, so it's a topic near and dear to my heart.

    And as a girl who doesn't necessarily fit society's limited standard of beauty, I thank you for your upbeat, positive focus on the insides.

  5. yay i'm so happy for you!
    i have been having moments similar to this as well. keep on loving!

  6. yes you are gorgeous as am I. it took me a long time to get to that place. the place where I don't completely dislike myself for certain reasons... many reasons. long ago I used to look at myself in the mirror and say 'who is this person, and why is she so ugly.' which along the way turned into 'o.k. maybe I'm not so bad' then finally into 'i am beautiful, every single thing about me is beautiful.' it's an amazing feeling to just let yourself be and love yourself for all that you are, flaws included.

    I have a love hate relationship with food. as much as I love it, I hate what it does to my ass and my health. I have been eating alot healthier lately. It's hard sometimes because I'm constantly surrounded by people who don't eat healthy. seeing them with that bag of chips can be a bit tempting but I've learned to stand my ground. 'I will not eat you' I tell that bag of potato chips. haha! it'd be nice to have a support system. people like me who want to live and eat healthier. I have a huge family who barbeques every sunday. An all meat extravaganza with all the sides and then some. Me I'm at the same table with my healthy plate. I can use some company.


  7. Hi Tricia,

    You have inspired me to begin blogging. Thank you!!


  8. wow. one day i hope to be like you in a way.
    and i am constantly judging myself. i have to learn from you how not to. care to inspire?

  9. p.s you have inspired me to eat healthier also. i come from the itallian/bbq'ing fam. it is hard. but i know what kale is for now. ;)

  10. You r so inspiring...i'm struggling to change as we speak...comes u have some sorta cook book with your yummy recipes I often hear about?

  11. What a beautiful post. I read it after it was first posted and it has stayed with me since. It is nice to see that you are seeing yourself the way everyone else sees you...beautiful. For some reason, this post made me think of one of my favorite poems.

    Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
    I’m not cute
    or built to suit a fashion model’s size
    But when I start to tell them,
    They think I’m telling lies.
    I say,
    It’s in the reach of my arms,
    The span of my hips,
    The stride of my step,
    The curl of my lips.
    I’m a woman Phenomenally.
    Phenomenal woman,
    That’s me.

  12. Isn't it amazing how a few shifts in thought turn into completely NEW eyes???

    You transform the world when you're open to your own being like that!!! And it's that openness with yourself that extends out to embrace those around you.

    You just can't help but Be Love. Ya know??

    love love love

  13. This blog made me smile. :) You are amazing Tricia!!