Today, I took on moving out. For the past 22 months I was blessed with the opportunity to live in the most amazing space, with the most amazing community. Prior to this house the longest I have ever lived anywhere was 10 months since I left home at 18. When I initially came to stay at this magical space, I planned on just staying for a week between tours. At that time in my life, I lived out of a suitcase and a storage unit. When I was not on tour, I figured out a place for myself to discover and stay. I took road-trips, stayed at friends vacation homes, lived in a friend's apartment while she was working on a film on the east coast, back-packed around Costa Rica, and on and on. I lived in motion. So, I planned on this space being the same for me, a temporary stay.
As soon as I requested my stay, the inhabitants of the house were saying, "sure, move in" and started to introduce me as their new roommate. I kept correcting them, promising that I was only staying a week and only bringing a suitcase, but I guess they knew better than I since my stay has lasted 22 months!
This house has been such a space holder for me. I transformed in this house. I made it my own private retreat center. The last time I talked to my father, was about a week after I "officially" moved in and moved out of storage. I was rambling nonstop about how amazing it was and how happy I was to be there. He told me in a voice so proud that he was so happy that I finally had a home. He died unexpectedly the next day and this house is where I came back to heal.
In this house I became a raw food chef. In this house I studied to be a certified yoga instructor. In this house a became a mother to my community. In this house I created the job of "joyologist". In this house I blossomed and became so grateful for every moment, for every color, for every being and now, I am ready to leave this house.
I had planned to move out in the beginning of January as I have booked a one way trip to start in India with no date in mind to return. I was finally headed "home" after visiting family and friends in the midwest directly after tour and realized that I felt like I was returning to a house that I had already moved out of. I had moved out emotionally and mentally, so why not just go ahead and move out physically? I still love the house, the space, and the community I just felt ready for a new space. I felt that I did not need this space anymore.
So, today was the day. I re-collected the bins I had lived out of from my storage unit and proceeded to empty the contents of my closet. I had boxes set up for giveaways, storage, and to live out of until my big one way departure. I thought it was going to be so easy to release at least half of my belongings to give away. Especially since I live out of a suitcase for most of the year on tour. I was WRONG! After stuffing all of my belongings into bins, I had one overflowing box to give away and 6 bins to keep!!!!! I took a break and when I re-entered my room I was disgusted and overwhelmed with the amount of belongings I had decided to keep. So, I chose to go back through all of my "keep" bins and attempt to get rid of half.
I collected an empty box to get ready for the new giveaways and proceeded to dump one bin at a time onto my bed to re-access. I held piece by piece of clothing up in front of myself and I could not believe what came up! One shirt I tried to cling to because I told myself that I looked like a bad-ass when I wore it. There was a pair of jeans that I tried to reason with myself to keep because I had REALLY wanted them and had spent a lot of money on them (no matter I have barely worn them since I purchased them 6 months ago). There was a sweater that I wanted to hold onto because every time I have worn it I have received compliments by guys. A came across another sweater I kept "keeping" because I feel sexy when I wear it, but it is not the sweater that makes me sexy it is who I am being when I wear the sweater. I held up many items and thought, "I love this", but then I thought, is wearing that once a year, the way to show it love. Is storing it in a bin, that I may not come back to for 9 months love?
So many things and ideas about myself came up and then I started to judge myself because I was so attached to these clothes! Then I realized it was not the clothing I was attached to it was who I thought I was when I wore those clothes. It isn't the cute hat I am attached to it's the idea that I am the girl wearing the cute hat when I wear the hat. When I tried to cling to that sweater that has gotten me so many compliments, a little voice came up that said, "I am not my sweater!" I don't know where the voice came from but it was beautiful. Emotions were flying out of me, I was sobbing loudly and proudly as I threw clothes into that giveaway box. I thought to myself, "this is the most amazing thing that I have ever done. This is so beautiful."
Now, I find myself sitting at my new "temporary" home and I feel free. I feel new. I am loving the space I am in, the space I left behind and the space I am carrying with me. I am holding space where ever I am.