Ahhhh! MMpfff! Wah!!! These are sounds that have been escaping from me in the last day. I am not better. My stomach feels like there are little beings knawing in lining the of my intestines. I feel them from right under my ribs to way down low. It is not really a pain or cramp, but very uncomfortable. I have been feeling best during the hours from 3am-7am. My stomach will still hurt, but my body feels more alive during those hours. It almost makes me feel like I want to run, but I don't try it.
Yesterday, I went with my mom and my 6 year old niece to run a few errands and got so worn out it was crazy to me! I felt like I had been out all day and then realized we had only gone to the bank and fedex, where I didn't have to wait in any lines at all. We then went to the suburban American holy grail of Costco, but we were maybe only there for 20 minutes. I felt so week and worn out! When we got to the car, I could not even hold my head up. Then my speech and thoughts started to slow so much that it felt almost stroke like. Ask my friend Mona, who called me on the phone. She kept thinking the phone service was going out between my syllables, but that was merely how they were coming out of my mouth. I actually found it amusing, but then started crying when I hung up the phone. I make up that I was just scared and worn out.
While I was having those stroke-like moments though, I thought Wow, I really am lucky for my health. I have no freaking clue what it is like for people suffering from all sorts of diseases and disorders. Yes, I had years of battling with fibromyalgia, but that was years ago and I don't think I ever felt so weak. I am grateful for whatever this sickness I am having now because it is making me so present to what I have in my health and what a lot of people don't have in theirs.
I am still eating random foods from my usual. Consisting on baked potatoes, breads, and pasta (gluten-free). I want to have veggies, I wish I had a juicer here. That would be easiest, I think. I am afraid of eating greens, thinking it will cause my stomach more work, but I don't know what is best anymore.
I am so happy that I am at my mother's home and that I don't need to be anywhere else. I am grateful to not have work or responsibilities right now because staying in bed all day is what is happening and I am at peace with that. I have the time to let it run its course.
Even though my body is moving at a much slower pace, my mind still keeps busy making things up. For instance, it goes into wondering who my true friends are. After all, only a few have actually checked in to see how I am doing. I mean, I am pretty sick and they don't even text?!?!?!?! WTF? But then, I call myself out and know that they are not sitting around all day like I am. They are as busy as ever. Also, I really don't want to talk, since I don't have much energy and since I am blogging and tweeting they can see I how am doing. So, it is quite funny. Such an active mind. But really it doesn't matter. I choose to love, love, love, love. Whether, I feel it is rightly reciprocated or not. I love big and I have my own way of loving, as each person does. These ways of loving don't all look the same. I can not put expectations on other's love. I just choose to Love. To Be Love.