Alright, so I am going to move to San Francisco and yes! I will be there for February as crazy as that sounds. So I thought I still have a few weeks, I might as well go visit around different places in India. The places that were on my penciled in list. I started to organize my time and route and then do I really, honestly care about going to see any of these places? Or am I just going because I am here, so might as well. Honestly, like I said earlier, I have done enough traveling. I don’t want to do it. As amazing I am sure all those places are, they are not calling to me. So, I went to an Internet shop to start my search for flights home. Where to? San Diego, LA, Santa Ana airports? But, I really kind of want to go home to see my Mom in Cincinnati. So, I look at all of the above and realize that my mileage with such a last minute booking is not enough. I can buy more mileage or look at kayak, orbitz, expedia and on and save that mileage for later. The prices are quite hefty and the Internet starts to phase out, so I log off and go for breakfast.
As I am walking along the cliff in Varkala, I am suddenly overwhelmed with tears. I WANY MY MOMMY!!!!!!! Like, FOR REAL! This is huge for me. I often say “mommy” out loud when I am feeling ill or sick, but not really wanting her; it has just become my word of exhaustion. Even a few days ago at the Ashram, when I was ill, I kept exclaiming “mommy”. I actually, explained to my bunkmate that its not that I really want my Mom. I really never call her when I need anything. I even went on to tell her that since my Dad died last year, I have been having a hard time wanting to be with or needing my mother. This is all true and I am not proud of it. It is something that is very hard for me. I do love my mother, but something really shifted to a weird place when my dad died. As if I was making sure that she didn’t get his love too, now that he was gone. Like, she better realize how much I love him! I have no freaking clue really what the source of it is. I have even talked about my mother issues in three different workshops that I attended this year, but had yet to resolve it.
My friend Conor, wrote to me "India! The Motherland!” when I embarked on this trip. So maybe that is what the motherland gave to me. She gave me mother back. The want for my mother back. The need for my mother back. All I want is to be in my mother’s arms right now.
So, I went back to the Internet and worked diligently to find a flight to Cincinnati. I thought I would look for Thursday out of Mumbai. I can catch a train to Mumbai, spend one night there and then go. As, I am searching for flights I here others discussing how hard it is to book a train. That they fill up weeks ahead of time and also I think, I really don’t care about being in Mumbai, even for one night. So, I give up on using miles and search for the Trivanundrum airport that is nearby. I can just stay here, by the beach for another few days and then fly out. But, you know what I am so overcome with wanting my MOMMY that I want to go now! So, I end up booking a flight leaving in less than 24 hours! I leave Trivanundrum at 5am tomorrow, so I will probably need a rick-shaw driver to drive me there at 2am.
And….I really don’t think that spending $1000 to give my mom a hug is so bad! I guess that is what my yoga teacher training was!
Mommy, here I come!