....

I love that my current yoga practice consists of lots of random handstands.

I love that there is always sand underneath my toenails.

I love that my clock is almost always ignored.

I love that my hula hoop has become my activity when floating from one activity to the next.

I love that my backyard is the beach.

I love that I feel more at home down on that sand then I have ever felt in my life.

I love that the background music to my life consists mostly of the music of my closest dearest friends.

I love that I do not have a car and that I use these legs to pedal or step me to where I want to be.

I love that I have now not only gotten rid of the word "should" but also "need". My life consists of only "wants".

I love that I have fresh gorgeous flowers blooming on my table.

I love this ink on my skin, reminding me of the power I am, the power that is in me, the power that is mine to use.

I love the spontaneous dance routines that pour out of me that out shine Flashdance for sure.

I love laughing at myself, with myself all day long.

I love that the words "YEOW" and "RAD" are part of my current vocabulary.

I love that I am not keeping track of what I eat or when I eat or how I eat.

I love the curls of my hair.

I love the glow of my skin.

I love the skin on my bones.

I love the muscle underneath my flesh.

I love who I am.

I love who you are.

I love that I am who I am and She is who She is and He is who He is.

I love this life that I have created.

I love this life that I am creating.

I love that I get to choose each moment and create each moment. Each moment is mine and yours and ours to create with it what we like.

a yogini

I thought just came to me. I am on a yoga vacation. Not a yoga vacation where you go away and practice a lot of yoga. The type where I am on a vacation from practicing yoga. Well, really I am doing yoga I am just not going to classes. I am not sitting in a set place for a set amount of time and practicing asanas. I am doing asanas, when my body craves them. I am sitting in bliss. I am taking deep breaths and coming back to my intention when my mind drifts away. I am letting go of staleness in my body and mind. I am opening my heart. I am in tune with the kundalini energy. I am one with my 7 chakras. I am grounded to the earth. I am bowing to the divine within each of us. I am on a yoga vacation. Namaste.

creation

I keep checking my arms to see if they have turned into wings, I feel as if I am soaring. I am currently sitting at my desk, which is next to the glass sliding door of my balcony, drinking my morning Mate’ and water. When I get up to use the restroom or do whatever it is I do, I find myself randomly doing handstands before I sit back down. The world belongs to me and I belong to it. Each breathe that a take helps me to grow and supports the growth around me as well. I look out and see a tree outside of my balcony. We are growing together, we are blooming together, this tree and I. What are said tree and I doing to support this growth, you ask? We are simply being. We are breathing, we are conscious, we are connected. We are touched, moved and inspired by everything that is around us.

Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. To an outsider, I may appear as a girl alone at home in the middle of the day in her pajamas with mussed hair, unwashed skin, and unbrushed teeth, crying in sadness or loneliness. To me though, I am the world. I am joy. I am love inspiring. I am anything and everything. From me anything can be created. This is the life I have. This is the life I was given. This is the life that I have created. My heart, my soul, my entire being is soaring.

unconditonal love

A moment in time that I witnessed yesterday at Venice Beach pier.

I tagged along on a bikeriding adventure in the morning with one of my best friends who was assisting Life Rolls On (www.liferollson.org) in bringing a surfer with a spinal cord injury out in the water to surf again (which is super amazing, but not the moment I am talking about). There were around eight to ten guys there to assist, including a small film crew. One of the guys had his dog with him. The dog was of a mid-size black and white herding breed and was eager to make friends with anyone who would throw his frisbee. When I first spotted this, I had a good laugh remembering a time I visited a friend and as soon as the dog walked up to me she almost yelled, "Do not throw the ball! If you it will never stop!" Well, this dog had no problem finding people to throw the frisbee. While her dad was on the pier accessing the water for the surf adventure the dog went from person to person as they tired of throwing it. I was stoked when she dropped the frisbee at my feet. She soon started a little cycle, this way making sure to not wear her playmates out.

Then, a whistle was let out and the dog dropped the frisbee, changed direction, leaped over a cement wall and ran into the sand to where her owner was on the pier. The pier was too tall for her to jump over, so she kept running and stopping to see if she could jump now. She gave up on the jump and ran to the start of the pier and then up it to her Daddy. Arriving at his feet with a wagging tail and kisses.

I watched all of this and said outloud, "Now, that is love." To stop everything immediately and run as fast as you can back to your loved one, simply because they let out a little call. No questions asked, just pure love, pure unconditional love.

It is that easy isn't it? Just to love.

in contentment

Today is a cuddly cozy day for me. The sun is hiding when I wake up and I choose to stay in bed and watch a movie, a nice morning treat. I get up later and bike to my local post office, my friend’s café, and to the Friday farmer’s market and then return to my cozy day at home. A little after 5pm, I crave the sand between my toes. It is a bit chilly today so I don a sweater, scarf, and my warm wooly headband. I even choose to make some fresh hot tea and bring the mug down to the sand with me.

The sky is covered in shades of soft blues and purples with bits of a rosy, baby pink popping out. The beach is near empty, only 4 guys on a far away volleyball court and a father with his waddling toddler playing near a lifeguard stand. My intention is to sit on one of the big rocks right behind my building but the sky is acting like a magnet pulling me in closer. I am walking with both hands wrapped around my white porcelain mug staring into the peaceful sky. I feel as if I am the heroine in a movie and the credits are about to role. I am gorgeous in my make-up free face with my curls catching flight in the wind. I have just conquered, I won, I came out on top. I am on top. I am perfect. I am the picture perfect poster of contentment. I feel my team of spirits walking behind me, my father, my grandmother, my dogs, my friend Janelle and on and on. All of the people that I have “lost” I feel so strongly with me.

I am still walking. I am watching the clouds shift and the colors change. I am actually for the first time watching the sunset, not looking at it but watching it. I am part of it and it is part of me. I am connected to all of my surroundings, the sand, the sea, the wind, the sky. I look up and spot the swings, a perfect place for more watching. I get to the swings and choose to face the opposite direction that I was walking in. I want to watch those clouds and colors too. As I am swinging the toddler waddles towards me, stops and stares at me as I swing, her father rushing to catch up to her. I smile at her and say hello and she continues to stare at me and my swinging self, maybe she sees all of my spirit friends too?

The little girl gets her own swing and I turn my attention back to the sky. Why is it that sunrise and sunset draw so much attention? People always love to catch the beauty of the sun coming up for the day and going down for the night. Is it because we are witnessing change? We are observing the end of one cycle and the start of a new. Or maybe it is just because they are so darn purdy!


This isn't tonight's sunset...but one I took years ago in Costa Rica

Perfect

Around the same time that I banished the word “should” from my vocabulary a new word appeared, “perfect”. Suddenly everything is perfect, and all of those perfects are said in a grateful, loving tone, not a sarcastic, eye-rolling one. My computer falls onto the floor and breaks, perfect. I get back from a walk right as the rain starts, perfect. I get to the exact midpoint of a walk and the rain starts, perfect. I miss my train by 60 seconds, perfect. I am open and receiving to whatever the universe hands me. I knew and do know that everything is perfect.

This word has suddenly re-appeared in my life full-force again (YAY!) It never fully went away, but now it is back on top, ever present in all of my day and I am happy to have it back. Life is perfect. However it comes at me, whatever it brings me, it is all perfect and I greet it with a smile and a warm hug.

to the point

In the spring of 2008 I eliminated the word “should” from my vocabulary. It happened immediately after the death of my father. I never had a conversation with myself planning to do this. It just suddenly became important for me to not use that word, ever. I feel that using the word “should” is just setting myself up for failure and guilt. I can still say the same thing and feel better about it. For example, “What should I eat for dinner tonight?” compared with “What do I want to eat for dinner tonight?” Which one is more powerful? Maybe using the “should” warrants a big salad and what I want is pizza. Well, I feel that eliminating the “should” and putting in the “want” puts me in control and gives me the ability to choose a healthy salad or pizza and not feel guilt or to feel like I am doing something because I feel I have to. It is all my choice.

That summer, I explained to friends, family, and acquaintances about my “should” banishment. Besides the fact that I wanted others to experience this newfound freedom I also wanted to explain why I sometime spoke as if I had turrets syndrome. The word would start to come out of my mouth, I would catch it and then find a new more powerful way to say it. It made me become a more mindful speaker. I was no longer able to let things roll off my tongue without thinking about them first. I became so aware of how much “should” was a part of my regular vocabulary as well as other’s.

I felt as if I was reclaiming myself and getting rid of all of my guilt. What do I want? I should do the laundry, turned into I want to do the laundry. I explained to people that in using the word “should” it felt as if my shoulders hunched in and made me feel small. In saying, I “want” or another word my shoulders are back, chest out, and I stand tall. I wanted to put a speech and presentation together and tour high schools around the country about the word “should”. I will empower the nation!

As time went along, I was able to speak without even attempting to spit out this word. Sometimes, it is still hard for me to find a replacement for it, mainly because that means taking a more powerful stance. I can recall I few times on tour the past year when I fought with myself about using it when asking our tour manager questions. He is the head hauncho on tour and was afraid to be to upfront and blunt with my words and suggestions.

The other day during the drive to San Diego, when I just wanted to vomit everything up. I decided that I am going to eliminate all of the filler words that I have been using. Words like “think”, such as “I think that I want to stay in tonight.” From now on I am choosing to say, “I want to stay in tonight” instead (if that is what I want of course). I know what I want and what I don’t want. That word and others are just fillers to soften the blow and they take power away from me and my choices. Also, eliminating these words sets up the people that I am talking with to make more powerful choices too. For example saying, “Do you want to go to Tawney’s yoga class in Santa Monica before Gina’s pot-luck on Sunday?” Instead of saying, “Do you think you might want to go to Tawney’s yoga class in Santa Monica before Gina’s pot-luck on Sunday?” I am saying the same thing. The first example is just to the point, while the second tiptoes. I am choosing to be direct and hopefully this lets the other person be direct in their answer.

All I know is that eliminating these words makes me feel freer, more in control, and more honest.

an eco-conscious shopper...i think

I find it completely amusing that I am constantly searching out eco items for my new home by either driving around town to find them or ordering them online to be shipped across the country padded in lots of packaging. Hmmmm. Not sure how much sense that makes. I was quite surprised that is not very easy to find items made from non-leaching plastic or made from recycled products. I was planning on buying lining for my kitchen shelves and a protector covering for my kitchen sink and just assumed that there would be eco choices for these. Nope and nope. So, I have not bought any.

So what do I do? Walk to my local store and buy plastic items or order more conscious items from Amazon.com and other online retailers with free shipping but lots of cardboard and fuel to get them to me?

It makes me wonder how much effort goes into making goods out of recycled materials? Does it take a lot of time and machine work to manufacture these things? What is the deal? A couple of months ago I went to Verizon to get my phone looked at and the girl helping me told me that phone covers were on clearance if I wanted one. I did not have one on my phone and I do drop it a lot. So, I picked one out and slipped it on. Almost immediately I stopped using it though, because it felt so gross to me to touch. It is an awful plastic material, that felt gross to my touch. Why aren’t there phone covers made out of recycled goods? I am sure they are out there, but I want to see them in every phone and apple store.


Today I was searching for a duster (via bicycle) like an old school duster so that I can dust my table without removing all of my stones and random bits from it. I did not realize that what I was thinking of is made of ostrich feathers. Really? I don’t know if I can do that. I mean I do wear leather, I don’t smother myself in it, but I do own some and I do wear it. Ostrich feathers to clean my table though? I don’t know if that is necessary. And the handle was made from plastic. So I didn’t get it.

What is the deal with plastic anyway? Would it be better if I had a wood handle? But then aren’t we trying to save the trees? I need to educate myself.

transparent

Today after my re-committing to myself and to my India, as I wrote about in my last blog I got a text from a friend asking if I was okay. I found that funny. What did she think I was freaking out and had a melt down? I did’t get it, although I appreciate her concern. I am just choosing to be more authentic with everyone around me and to live my life more powerfully. Which right now means saying No more often to people and invitations. Also, someone commented on that blog that she understands I'm traveling through a somewhat tormented and indecisive period. Really? I don't feel tormented in the least bit. I feel freer then ever. I am not calling myself indecisive either. I am living and deciding day by day moment by moment and I do have many commitments they just revolve around me. I guess if the label for that is indecisive than cool, you can call me that. Then another friend just called and asked, "So what do you do all day just hang out and exercise?" She didn't understand what I am doing all day, with no obligations and no one to answer to, but I do have obligations and someone to answer to...ME. She made me realize that I don’t think of anything I am doing as exercise. Sure, today included biking to a yoga class and to run errands, a jog on the beach, and a surf session. Those things do qualify as exercise, but to me it is heart-opening, soul-soaring, and connecting with myself and the world around me.

I got to exercise my NO today and it feels so amazing and powerful to be honest enough to say NO and to not need to pad my response or feel the need to apologize for it.

Here is a brief disclaimer about me.

I don’t lie. I don’t bullshit. I don’t play games. I don’t pussyfoot. I am who I am and that may change from day to day, but I don’t hide it. I am not afraid of change. I am not afraid to say that I am wrong or to apologize. I am not a spiritual guru. I am a living, breathing soul here in the world. I am not better than you. I am not right. I am a girl living life and learning from life.

JUST BE WHAT YOU ARE, WHERE YOU ARE.

with Tricia

The other night as I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep early as I was taking an early train down to Solana Beach, I thought about how I enjoyed my time with my friends Saturday night and Sunday for lunch. I did not feel attached to them anymore. I loved the time and the visits, but was eager to return to hanging out with Tricia. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that these people had come to see me, in my new town. It reminded me of after my dad died and I finally left tour, realizing that I did need time to grieve. I reached out to my friends in Chicago and Cincinnati when I was there saying I would love to see them, but I would not be driving anywhere. They were welcome to come to me. If they wanted to have dinner with me, it was where I wanted to go. I had no qualms of making the choices that I wanted and my friends were happy to support me and go along with my choices.

As I laid there I had this feeling that I was in mourning right now, but I thought that is weird I am soooo happy, how can I be in mourning? Maybe I was just relating that period of having people come to me with what I was currently wanting. I was and am loving seeing my friends, now that I am back, but I am not wanting to constantly be surrounded. I am having an amazing time with my old friend Tricia. I didn’t think too hard on it and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up often that night, maybe because it was the first time I had set my alarm in weeks and I actually need to be somewhere in the morning on time. I get up a little before my alarm went off, get ready quite quickly and take off in my borrowed car. I got a glimpse of the clock and hope that she had set it fast, check my cell phone, no such luck. It is 35 minutes until my train takes off and that is the google maps time estimate for how long it takes to get to the train station. Well, at least it is President’s Day so traffic will be lighter. I have a little under ten minutes and I am getting close. This may be possible. I may make it. Okay, I will make it. I am going to make the train. Did I just miss the exit? Oh Shit. I just missed the exit. Ok, turn around. I am still going to make the train. I don’t even know if you can park right there all day long. It’s okay it is all going to work out. I get off the exit and realize after half of a mile that I have turned the wrong way off of the exit. Shizit!!!!!! I am going to make it. I turn in, park, and run for it. I bought the ticket online, but need to scan it at a machine to get the actual ticket. Where is the machine? I run back and forth and then back to the Amtrak desk to ask where it is. It is in the far corner, of course. Am I even going to make it, I ask? And then I run to the kiosk, print the ticket and run for it. The sign says boarding. I made it!!! I run up the stairs and see sleeper cars. Where are the main cars, I ask? You’re going to San diego? You just missed it. Next one is at 8:30am.

My meeting is at 10am. I will not make it if I take the next train. I can drive. I really don’t want to drive. I can just say I missed the train. She knows that I don’t have a car. No, I committed to being at this meeting, they said that they really need me there. I will go. I get back on the highway, head the wrong way, turn around and I am now really on my way. Luckily, there is no traffic.

As I am driving, I scream think “WHY AM I DRIVING??!?!?!??! I DON’T WANT TO BE DRIVING!!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING??!??!???!?” I feel like I just want to vomit. Not physically, as if I have an upset stomach, I just to vomit all of my thoughts out. I want to peel back all of my layers and by so transparent that I glow. I want to dump out all of the thoughts that come up, especially the ones that I don’t like and wish I was not having. Thoughts such as comparing what someone gave me for my birthday last year to this year. I am sick with myself for having such a thought and it has nothing to do with that person it is all me. Am I weighing the worth of that friendship by the monetary worth of a gift?!?!? Yuck!

There are thoughts that have been coming up for me that I want to get clear with people about and what is keeping me from doing so? Also, I love my current location for many reasons. One big one is that I am close to my friends in LA and San Diego but still out on my own and since I do not have a car it is easy for me to turn down invitations by merely stating, "I would love to, but I don’t have a car so I can’t get there, sorry.” But, really that is bullshit. I am not coming because I don’t want to because I have other plans for the evening and they are with me, myself, and I. Why have I been afraid to say that? Do I not want to be judged? Is that selfish? Am I not a good friend, if I am willingly not going to support their shows? But, I am still in INDIA!!!! Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I still have the same intentions that I made for my India trip I am just not there geographically.

I have to be honest. The biggest thing that I was excited about for India……was not being around anyone that I know!!!! Crazy, right? I love my friends and family dearly. They are an amazing group of people, so supporting, loving, and grateful. They really live life powerfully. I was excited to be away from them though, so I would not be able to accept any invitations. So that I could only listen to myself and move at my pace and transform without anyone around knowing the "old" me. So, coming back here and still keeping the same intentions means really listening to that voice within even more, no matter how hard it is to do. So I call the birthday present friend and admit the thoughts that I am having along with everything else that had just come up for me. They are able to understand that I am not calling and asking for a new gift and remind me that being a YES to myself may mean being a NO to someone else and that is okay. The phone then gets handed over to another special friend who happens to be there to which she passes along to me what a teacher of her’s says, “You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can put it on someone else.” Well, there you go. This is my time to make sure that I have that oxygen mask secured correctly on myself.

I go into my meeting feeling refreshed and grateful that I had that drive because of all that came up for me. When I come in they are happy I made it and sorry I had to drive. I tell them it ended up being perfect because I re-instated my intentions and I am now going to back out of the commitments I had made for the following weekend in San Diego. As I am saying this, I wonder why I am still going through with the commitment that this meeting is for. I mean how many times have I thought about pulling out? But, no, this is an amazing event and I am so grateful that they invited me to be a part of it. I will do it. The meeting happened and I am confident that all of the production planning for the event is working out and all of the bases are covered. So can I back out then? I mean even though I would be a great help to them, they really will be fine with out me. But I don’t back out of commitments! I don’t let people down! Argh! It is so hard to listen to what I really want sometimes! I just want to run out of there. They have a massage booked for me as a birthday gift and thank you, and I didn’t even care, I just want to go! I share my thoughts with them and they are understanding. They suggest that I go into a mediation room and have some time there before my massage. Okay, I concede, that may be nice. As soon as I close the door, I start to bawl out tears. I don’t want to do this anymore! I just want India! I want to stick to my intentions. Yes, this is an amazing event with amazing people, but it isn’t where my focus is right now. Okay, I am going to tell them that I am choosing to no longer be a part of the event. If they have any questions or need an help via email or phone I am available, but I will not be coming back down here. I hope that I can work with you in the future though.

I feel like a huge heavy coat had been wrapped around me and now vanished into thin air. Back to India I go. I call friends that I had committed to and tell them that I love them and support them 100%, I just will not be at their events physically right now. Please keep extending invitations to me as I may choose to leave India for the day and also feel free to visit me here in India (also known as Hermosa Beach). I call my mother and I share with her my day and of my re-committing to my intentions. I laugh saying from now on when turning down invitations I may say, “I already have plans with Tricia for the evening.” As we end the call, she says, “Okay, well you and Tricia have fun tonight!” To which I reply, “Oh we always do!”

Baptized

I did it! What a day. I woke up around 7:30 and drank my lemon tea as I got ready for my first bicycle adventure to Manhattan Beach to try out a yoga studio. The sun is shining down and although the air is cool, the sun is keeping it from being too cold. I push up my pantlegs and set off down the strand, a path that goes for 22 miles along the Pacific Ocean. People are already occupying the volleyball courts (this is where the Olympic and AVP players live and train), biking, running, you name it. I find the yoga studio which is about 2.5 miles north of me and one block east of the strand and lock up my bike. The studio is small, and is pretty much full already so I place my mat front and center, the only option. This studio looks out onto the ocean, the only one in LA county to do so they tell me. Class starts shortly after I arrive and is pretty intense. The poses are not super advanced, just the pace is non-stop, This used to be what I loved, but now I find myself moving at a slower more conscientious pace. But, this is what I got so I keep reminding myself to just follow the instructors voice, to breathe and to stay out of my head.

I am quite surprised that I am able to keep up. I may not appear as graceful as I have in the past, but I am impressed with my effort and abilities since I have not done much of a practice in the last month. Near the end of class the teacher comes over to adjust me during humble warrior and I immediately say, “No, I can’t do it like that because of my hips.” She responds, " well you have to try or your body will never change". I start to pipe up again and then cut myself off, move my leg and say, “How did you tell me to do it?” I had gotten so accustomed to how I usually do that pose because of how my body has reacted historically, that I am just immediately going into my modified version of it. I keep hearing the words I CAN’T echoing through my brain, did I just say that? I refocus my attention to my breath and my practice and do not allow myself to make myself wrong for my words or actions. I put a smile on my face and I am grateful for that adjustment. She didn’t just adjust my pose, she adjusted my mindset.

From yoga, I hop back on my bike and head to the local farmer's market to get my goods for the week. I tuck my purchases away in my bike bag saddles and back home I go. When I reach my door, I am welcomed by a huge package at my door. My bedframe. I forgot about that. One last thing to build. One heavy, akward thing to build. I maneuver the thing in through my door and rip that package apart. This week, I had already built a table and chair set, a desk, and a little step stool. I had borrowed a screwdriver from Tina, but had just returned it to her today. Like I said, I forgot I still had one last thing coming. Looks like this thing is not going to be built right now. I still lay out all of the pieces into a way that they will be easy to construct.

I grab something to eat and get sucked into a stream of emails. Blah. I crave fresh air, so I head out for a jog down the beach. As I jog I think about asking my building manager if I can borrow a screwdriver. Why not? They can only say yes or no. So, when I get back to my building I head to the office to ask. No problem they say, we will have the maintanence guy bring one right up.

I don’t know why, but this makes me feel like the most special person in the world! They are going to let little old me borrow a precious tool? They didn't even ask for a deposit or anything? Before I know it the miraculous tool arrives. I set off on my way, following another set of not very descriptive directions assembling pieces of wood to match a picture. Each time that I was building something this week I had a moment (or three) that I would decide the company had messed up and put the holes in the wrong spot or something. They were obviously wrong and I was of course right. I even found myself using one piece of my desk as a hammer, trying to get other pieces to fit together correctly. After giving up on that, I realized what the lock/unlock function of a certain bolt was really supposed to be doing. I laughed my ass off. So, today I was ready to get mad and laugh at my interpretation of the pieces, instructions and construction.

After maybe an hour of construction, I want a break and I am determined to get in the waves today and time is running out until sunset. So, I call the office and ask if it would be okay for me to keep the screwdriver overnight and return it in the morning. My project is taking much longer than I expected. I am really not sure why I estimated 20 minutes to build a bed out of wooden planks and screws with only the help of a screwdriver. They say no problem, so I run down the stairs to check the tide and the waves. It was coming back in and I really didn’t care if it looked small out, I was craving the water bad. I had even dreamt about it the night before. I am going in. I run back upstairs and try to scurry into my wetsuit as quick as I can. Booties or no booties? It is February, that’s winter right? Cold, right? But, lately on my beach walks I had let the water splash onto my feet and it didn’t feel too bad. So, I opt for no booties, grab the board and maneuver my way back down the stairs.

I go straight for the water and start to paddle out. About 60 seconds into my paddling a smile shoots over my face. I did it! I am in the water. Hi, my name is Tricia and I surf, I thought. I giggle with myself and duck through a crashing wave. I love the water. I don't really care if I catch any waves today, I just want to be in it, to be baptized in it. That is how I think of it, each time I get in, I am getting baptized. I can feel really small in the ocean, getting turned into acrobatic moves that I never imagined my body could do with the water in control or I can feel really big in the ocean, riding a wave all the way to the shore. I think of the water as a teacher and I am always ready for what it holds for me.

29

Today is my Birthday. 29. Yeow! That is pretty crazy. I really have no qualms about being 30, it doesn’t really seem that old these days. But, the number does seem big, like refined. Much different then saying I am 25 when out on tour doing monitors for a legend like Dolly Parton. That got attention, that caught people by surprise. 30 seems like yeah of course, someone of that age could accomplish anything. But, I guess not really. If I hear of a business owner, especially a big business, under the age of 40 I am still pretty shocked. When I was growing up I said that I wanted to be married and with kids before I was 30. My mom had me when she was 30 and I always thought she was so old compared to the other mothers and I wanted to be a young mom. Now, looking back though, I can barely remember any young mothers, only Jessie Duffy’s who had 6 younger siblings!

I do feel ready to “settle down” now. I lived most of my previous years taking advantage of all the time I had. I traveled with work and then kept traveling on the off time. I went to places that I wanted to do and planned trips on my own. If I wanted to go somewhere I didn’t wait around to find someone to go with me. I went, I did, I saw, I lived. I have to be honest, it has been pretty freaking rad. I drove across the country taking my time to visit friends and national parks and cities I wanted to see along the way. It was a 3 month adventure with a stop in Cincinnati to be with my family between thanksgiving in Christmas. I went backpacking in Costa Rica for a month and learned to surf there. I went to Bali on my first yoga retreat, that was also a spa pampering retreat. I got the most amazing massages in my life and hiked through rice fields. I went to Thailand and took a chakra healing workshop. I visited two Caribean islands on tour with Natalie Cole to play at jazz fests and made sure to book extra days there for myself. In St. Lucia the room even came with its own butler. Ive had stays in Kahuai and Maui. I hired a rock climbing guide in Joshua Tree because I have always wanted to rock climb but didn’t know anyone in California that did it.

Anyhoo. I have lived a grand life so far and I can not imagine having a family already, as I had dreamed that I would. Like I said, I do feel ready to settle now.

Such contentment. Listening to one of my best friend’s music, who I met just a year ago today (Miss Tristan Prettyman), wrapped in a cozy sweater that was sent to me by an amazing , inspiring new friend from her store in Spokane (COCO), sitting at my new 3 piece table and chair set sipping my hot water with lemon, staring out onto my balcony with the door cracked to hear the sounds of the ocean. Once again, tears are rolling. Its so funny because I always feel happy. I always enjoy life, but I just feel like I cracked open some secret passage way to pureness, to pure happiness and contentment. I don’t feel rushed to do anything. I find so much pleasure in arranging and re-arrranging my things to fit just right. I don’t get angry with myself or make myself wrong for anything. I am not setting limits on myself.

After getting sick and eating odd things (for me) I planned to really crack down and set rules and limits for myself when I felt better and was in my new place. A few people I know were participating in 30 day yoga challenges, so I decided I would make up my own challenge. I would run/walk for at least an hour everyday, as well as do yoga and surf. I would set a certain nutritious diet for myself and not drink any wine. I would kick my butt back into gear after being sick and motionless for almost a month. But now I feel like restricting myself and ordering myself to do all of these things doesn’t suit me right now. I want to choose to do these things naturally everyday not force myself to do them. Most of it is things that I do naturally choose to do, but I feel that if I set these limits I am bound to fail and then make myself wrong. Like, I generally choose to not surf the day after a big rain as the water is more polluted, so in following my challenge would I have to risk my health to meet my guildlines? I want to choose going for a walk/run each day because I want to feel strong and healthy and active not because it is something to check off each day of my challenge. I want to choose to do yoga each day because it clears my mind, opens my heart, and stimulates every part of my body and soul not because I have to. I also think that if I want to have a glass of wine tonight, great. I like wine. I think I always will. That doesn’t mean I need to drink it every night, but when I want it, I want it and I can have it.

It is 9:16am now. I rolled out of bed, started the kettle, washed my face, brushed my teeth, used my tongue scraper and netti pot then made my lemon tea. I set up my laptop on my new table (I still haven’t received my desk) and then made my bed, realizing I was not getting back in as I thought I would. I immediately felt like typing. When I looked at my phone upon waking I had 7 texts and 17 facebook messages already and I as I sit here they just keep rolling in. You got to love facebook if for no other reason then the birthday wishes! Each one that comes in makes me smile. Even though there is a little note on the bottom of each person’s home page saying it is my birthday and I even commented last night that I was going to be 29 in a few hours. It still is gratifying for them to take 30 seconds to wish me a happy one..

My desk just arrived! Looks like I have a new project for my morning. Yoga class? Maybe not. Alright the desk is set up. I just need to find a drill to finish attaching the top, but I am currently sitting at it with my printer, scanner and ipod stereo all set up on it. I kind of beat it up, not realizing what the lock/unlock bolts were for. I was using a cross bar to beat the two legs together, then gave up and later realized that I just had to turn the bolts to unlock and then the would fall together…oops. Just some minor damage was made. At least it will always make me laugh when I see those imperfections. And then the step stool was delivered that I mainly ordered to put my feel on while using the toilet for proper bowel releasing (sorry, but it's true...look into it). But I do actually have some kitchen storage that is up high and even a tall one like me needs a little boost to reach. So, I put that together.

It is now 11:14 am. I am still in my pajamas and have yet to eat anything. I am getting pretty hungry, but keep thinking of things to write so keep putting it off. Just now as I went to sit back down to type at my new desk I eyed my Mandyhoop and took it for a spin. Oh the fun, the freeness, the laughter of hooping. How perfect for a little break. Ok, I think I do need to eat because now I am forgetting everything I wanted to write….brain shutting down….need fuel.

I put on some quinoa and started the kettle again to get some mate in me. Then my rocking chair called out to me. How lovely to sit with my knees bent in, feet on the edge of the chair, rocking back and forth with shut eyes and the sun gleaming down on me. I love that I just want to write, to write it all. It is just everyday life for me, but I love it. I keep thinking will people want to read this? I mean who cares it is just some girl living her life, but this is what I want to write and to tell. Maybe by me sharing all the moments of my day, people will pay more attention to their own?

I finally got out at 1pm to take a beach walk. As soon as I got out there I feel like running. I want to resist, thinking that I am not in that good of shape to try, but my body was calling for it. So, I start up a jog and it feels amazing. The sun is shining bright, the tide is high, and I am almost alone on the beach. Once again, I am overcome with such happiness that I start to tear up. I am running in my barefeet down the beach that I am living on. I am taking the day in stride, taking care of things, taking care of myself and moving at my own pace. Everything I could dream of I am living. I feel great running, my breathing and body are working with me and I realize I am almost to the pier, which is a mile away. I decide to make that my goal to run to, but also tell myself it is okay if I don’t. I make it to the pier and feel great, but slow down to a walk anyway. I am more used to walking, and I quite enjoy it. I want to soak it all in. I then switched back and forth between running and walking, turning around halfway to Manhattan Beach. There is a little girl driving her pink Barbie jeep in the sand and it just lights me up! So adorable!

When I get back from my run, I grab all of my Energy Muse jewelry to cleanse and recharge in the Ocean. Heather had written to me instructing me to do this and set new intentions from the ones I had made before India. I think, what a perfect thing to do on my birthday. I realize though that none of my intentions really had anything to do with India. They were my intentions for my new life starting on my own, following my heart, and trusting abundance and the universe. I still like the idea of setting intentions for my new year and recharging the stones for my new place in the world. I forgot to write my intentions out and I did not premeditate them. I just picked up one piece at a time, walked it to the ocean, thought of an intention and then held it under the passing waves. All the intentions are based on the same that I originally intended, although I didn’t write those down either, so I am not certain. I do know they were quite similar.

I come back up and jump in the shower to get ready for Tina to pick me up for our Santa Monica dinner plans. I get ready quickly, this being the first time I broke out dressier clothes, makeup, and my hair straightener since I have been back. When Tina got here, I make her come up to see the newest additions in my studio. I am just so proud of it.

Then we are on our way to Gina’s house in Santa Monica. Crazy that the three of us are all living here now, after meeting in the Columbia College dorms 11 years ago! We make a quick stop at Gina’s and then walk on over to my favorite raw restaurant, Juliano’s. I am super hungry and feeling almost drunk. I don't know why, maybe because I am active again?

The food, the drink, the company, the conversation are all amazing and after almost four hours at Juliano's (my former joyologist employer and still super friend) stopped in as we are finishing our dessert and so we continue our casual dining experience) we head home. When Tina drops me off she asks me if she needs to come up again to see my place, haha. I tell her she is off the hook this time and head upstairs. I drop off my bag, slip my shoes off and then head back down stairs. This time to the beach access door. I had spied swings on the beach a little ways down from me on my first beach walk here and that is where I am headed! I feel a little crazy padding down the sand alone in the dark. The fluffy sand makes me feel like a drunk person stumbling to stay upright. I make it to the swings and spend some time relishing this childlike freeness. I lean back and drop my head, I pump my feet, what a joy swinging is.

So, this is what 29 looks like? I am A-OK with that. Bring it 29.

Bliss

This morning I woke up a little sore and not wanting to get up at 7am so I laid in bed just a bit longer, even if I wasn't going back to sleep. As I was cozy in bed I said outloud, “I love you comforter.” It made me giggle. I checked the yoga schedule for the closest studio and found a class that didn’t look to easy or to scary for 9:15am so I planned to go to that. I haven’t really wanted to go to this studio, but it’s the only one that is in easy walking distance. The class was perfect! It started slow and then built up. At the beginning I kept saying to myself, “I love yoga” I was almost having an orgasm. Being led through a sequence is just such a different experience for me than leading myself. I feel like I fully surrender with someone else guiding.

I walked back home after class taller and stronger. By the time I got back it was almost time for me to leave again to pick my friend's car to go see a guy about a bicycle. It was raining but I actually love the rain and my Lululemon running jacket was perfect with the hood up to keep me from getting soaked (I am against umbrellas after living in Chicago and continously almost getting my eye poked out by them). I got to Tina’s café and took off to pick up my new bike. I was certain I would be coming home with one. As I was driving, I could feel some soreness in my muscles, soreness from use, and it felt good. A feeling of contentment passed over me and I thought, “I am so happy!” and then I immediately started to tear up. Soon I was sobbing, and I just loved it. I love emotions.

at home

I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed saying, “Goodmorning sunshine, Goodmorning ocean.” It feels so good to just roll out of bed whenever I want and start the tea kettle and have a liitle bit of a routine. I am so happy just doing my dishes and wiping the countertop clean. Keeping it clean for myself. Having a studio makes me want to keep it spotless at all times. I want my little space to shine. Everytime I brush my teeth or use my netti pot I wipe down the sink with a sponge after. I have made my bed everyday. I have never been a religious bed maker. I have arranged my space to be separate “rooms”. There is the kitchen, a dining area, the office, bedroom, bathroom, outdoor balcony and changing room (walk-in closet) with plenty of space for yoga and hula hooping. All within 325 sq. ft. If you come over, I will gladly give you the grand tour.

I am back to drinking hot water with lemon in the morning. This used to be my daily practice, I even remember searching out the complimentrary coffee stands in the hotlels I was staying to just get my hot water and lemon. They usually had lemon for the tea drinkers. But, this practice was forgotten by me for at least the last year. Its funny that the first morning here, that is what I went for. I had not made a plan to start drinking it again, I just woke up and was like “Oh, I have lemons, I can just do that.”

There is a cement block dock right next to the door from my building that opens on to the sand. I immediately thought, “ohhh, I can do yoga there!” So this morning that is just what I did. Most of the block had a big puddle on it and it was all sandy, but it was still a nice level spot for me to lay my mat right facing right into the ocean. I have barely done any yoga at all recently. I got really sick and was too week to do it and then once I got some strength back I just could not motivate myself as my health was still not up to par. I thought, “I will start up again when I get back to California.” Then I got here and was shuttling around, helping my friend with her store and just not creating the time and opportunity to do any. Then I thought, “ As soon as I get into my place I will start again!” Once I got in though, I was so focused on making the place mine by arranging and searching out the perfect items and the perfect placements that I once again forgot to create time. This whole time I consistenly looked up schedules for all of the studios near me, but I would dismiss the classes for fear that they would be too fast or too strong for me right now, since I haven’t been practicing regularly. So, this morning I did it! I got out there and even when my feet started to freeze up I kept going. It may not have been a super long practice, but I did what my body was calling for and I did it in the fresh sea air, with the sun shining down on me.

Then I came in and broke out my Omega juicer! This machine has not been powered up in forever! I often tell myself that it is too much effort to use, so I don’t. I used to juice everyday. I even brought the juicer on tour with me when I was doing sound (pre-joyologist days) and had the production manager advance my veggies for me on the rider so that they were waiting for me at load-in. My favorite combo is romaine, kale, green apple, lemon, and ginger. It is the perfect balance of sweet and spice with out being overly sweet and you get all your greens without the “green” taste. I remember making combos of carrot/beet/apple/ginger/lemon for others on the tour that liked to dabble in heathfulness but were not able to withstand the greens. On one show day in Chicago, the promoter was trying to cheap out of a lot of things on our rider, but our production manager leaned into him and the next thing I knew they were delivering me the biggest bag of carrots I had ever seen. There was no room for me to take the carrots along to the next city so I went to work juicing that bag of carrots and then walked around the venue offering fresh carrot juice to the employees as they were setting up to open doors. I don’t think they expected that from the touring production crew.

My main must do for today was to get my taxes out to my accountant. I want to see that reiumbursement check (I hope) as soon as possible. The post office is maybe a mile away, a nice stroll on foot. I had forgot how much in touch you are with your surroundings when you are on foot. I paused to look at menus and glance into store windows as I walked there and back. Places that I have passed many times in the last few years when I was in this area, but was now seeing everything with new eyes.

I stopped in a local surf shop, one that I had visited before just to look at the apparel, to buy a surf leash and wax for the used board a friend gifted me. One of the shop boys asked me if I was doing all right, so I went ahead and asked him if I was getting the right length of leash and if it was cool or cold wax season, now. I kind of felt like a dumb-ass asking these questions, because wouldn’t a surfer know the answers? I make up that the surf world is an exclusive club and they make no room for beginners. I always have to overcome fear when getting in the water, fear not for the water, but for what people who may see me will think. It’s pretty silly, because every surfer was a beginner at some point and the only way to get better is to keep doing it. Anyhoo, the guy was super friendly and did not kick me out of the store for asking such a “stupid” question. When he checked me out (my purchases, not me) he took my credit card and said, “Are you Tricia? Nice to meet you.” At first I was thinking, “UM, yeah I’m Tricia, is this your theft screening? To ask the customer if that is their name?” I left the store and then realized that he was probably just being nice and introducting himself to a fellow a surfer (me) in that way. Regardless of why he asked me if Tricia was my name, it made me feel welcome in my new neighborhood.

So many people were out on foot, bike, rollerblades, you name it. There were groups of super fit girls and guys at the volleyball courts, kids playing in the sand, people just out and enjoying the sun. I really feel at home here. Yes, I was already familiar with the area because of my friend’s coffee shop (Planet Earth Eco Café) but just because you are familiar with an area does not mean it is for you. Well, this place and I are getting along very well.

in a dream

Today is Sunday, I have spent 3 nights in my new place so far and I took my first shower here this morning. I bought new towels and wanted to wash them before I used them and didn’t get around to until last night. Although I am sure that I was purposefully putting it off in case I found towels that I loved more. I looked at a lot of towels before I chose those. They are a nice purple (my new signature color which happens to symbolize abundance) and green (the color of the heart chakra), woven out of bamboo and cotton. Now, I just need to find a bathmat that suits them and me. (Later in the day I found the perfect one on www.etsy.com made from old t-shirts, towels, and other materials).

Back to the shower, it is perfect! The head is at a high height that stands well above my tall self and the pressure was amazing! It got hot super quick, which is great as I don’t have to waist water waiting for it to warm up nor freeze myself in an effort to conserve water. Yay! I was wondering about how the pressure was going to be in my head all week.

For the first time I am really wanting a bathrobe and slippers. Maybe it is because of my hotel-like vibe here in my little studio. I used them all year on tour in the various hotels that we visited across the world. I often even joked with myself that I needed to be rating the different robes and that I could be earning extra cash acting as a travel reviewer for various things. My favorite robes were the shorter types, hitting just around the knee area with sleeves that hung between elbow and wrist. I even remember commenting to Jason in one of our last hotels stays that I had found my favorite robe. He advised that I go visit Toca (our percussionist)’s room and snag his robe to bring home. But, I thought I would be away in India and Bali for months on end and could not see myself lugging the robe around with me. Maybe I will start calling each hotel that I stayed at and quiz them about their robes, to find that one that I stated was my favorite.

I still can not believe that I am really hearing the ocean as I sit here typing or as I lay in bed. It feels like a dream. The last few times that I came through the garage I opened the door to the beach before heading up the stairs to my apartment. Just to take it in. I see it from the window at the top of my stairs but I just wanted the full view, air and all.

Active

I just got up to pour myself some Mate and paused to do some stretching because I just feel so tight. I little cat and cow to start. I realized that I was just moving through the motions and not really feeling it or breathing. It brought me back to trying to open the door to the car I was borrowing the last few days. The key doesn’t work on the driver side, so my friend told me to open it from the passenger’s side and then reach over. Easy enough. Then she demonstrated that you have to fiddle with the key a little bit on the passenger side for it to open. No problem. Except that on the second day that I was borrowing the car that side completely stopped working too. I would try for 5 minutes, standing in the pouring rain, trying to get the key to work. After the first 30 seconds or so of taking the key in and out, I would start to stress. So, I took advantage of this time by breathing. Yes, I am always breathing if I am alive, but I haven’t really been taking conscious breathes lately. I have barely done yoga and when I was it was more like ok let me do a pose that will alleviate tension in my shoulders or hips. I wasn’t actually taking time in any poses and I was not breathing in them. So, I took some deep inhales and exhales in time with pushing the key in and out. Still couldn’t get the door open. Annoyance. Okay, how about some acknowledgement? I proceeded to acknowledge the car and the door for all of the work it was doing to get me where I needed to be and so on. Still nothing. So, I found myself giving up and opening the back hatch and climbing through to the front, popping back out the front door, closing the hatch and then returning to the passenger seat. This really wasn’t too hard as the back seats were folded up and away since I was moving stuff in and out of the car. As the day went along, I had to shift my purchases around to keep an open path for myself to walk through. It was quite amusing. I kind of imagined myself jumping into some magical portal.

The car door got me thinking about things people just get used to so they don’t get around to fixing or changing. My friend told me that the key has never worked in her driver side door (she bought the car new). I believe that she took it in to be fixed when it first started acting up, but then I guess when it started to happen again she just gave up. She has owned the car for 6 years. Yes, she leads a busy life as I am sure almost everyone says about themselves and it takes a chunk of your own personal time to get things like these attended to and we just don’t have that kind of time. In reality the time it may take could be making a phone call to the car dealer (5 min. max?) and then dropping the car off and picking it up later. Which means you actually have to make a request of someone else to give you a ride or you have to spend some of your precious free time sitting in the waiting area. These days most dealerships are conviently located next to malls and other shopping areas and some even have free wifi in their waiting areas. So, why do so many people put these things off? I guess money comes in the picture too. Who knows how much they will charge to fix it. But. Like I said this silly car door experience really got me present to all the things that gets pushed aside to deal with later. None if it is life or death and yeah, we have better things to do with our time, but why not just deal with it and get then you won't have to deal with it anymore.

I remember early last year putting little notes around my living area to remind me to live life fully. One of them read, "WHY PUT OFF DOING WHAT YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW?" This reminded me to do little things like clean up after myself, send out an email, fix things, all sorts of things. So why not, just do it now?

an Adult

I am moved in!!!!! Well mostly. I ordered some furniture online, so even though it isn’t here I have picked it out and purchased it. Hopefully, I like it in person. If not I am sure I will find something else. I went to San Diego on Wednesday to collect what was left of my belongings and got my keys on Thursday afternoon. I had a packed car as I had also made stops along the way shopping for household items I don’t possess. It’s funny because I got rid of so much stuff a few months ago and now I am shop, shop, shopping away for stuff. Different stuff though, I did not own any of the household items that I am now buying. The last time I had a place of my own was 4 years ago. Since then I was on tour, in hotels, subletting at friends furnished homes when they were away, and just traveling. The house I moved into in 2008 was already fully stocked and furnished. In fact, I barely even changed anything in the bedroom I occupied. Actually, I have never really decorated any room/home that I have lived in since I left home at 18. I never hung anything on the walls and really never bought furniture. Okay, that is a lie, I now remember when I got my first place of my own my senior year in college in Chicago I bought a ton of clear plastic picture frames from the dollar store and decorated a whole wall with photos of various landscapes from trips I had taken, but that is it.

Now, I find myself being overly particular about everything. I am not settling on anything. I have visited endless websites and at least a dozen stores and have yet to purchase a bath mat, a carpet for my feet as I exit the shower. I mean really? I have seen so many and they are all fine, but something in me is holding out for that very special bath mat. This is so hilarious to me! I keep having flashes to moments last year when visiting friend’s homes and thinking, “WOW, they are such adults!!!!” It was so crazy for me to imagine having a fully furnished home full of things that they had picked out and arranged to their liking. So, yesterday as I was shopping and dismissing bath mats I thought, “I am so adult now.” HAHA.


I feel like I am in a dream. I can hear the ocean right now as I type, I can hear it in bed, I can hear it always. It catches my attention often and I stop and think, “Wow, I am hearing the ocean.” Today I walked down my stairs and into the sand to take a walk barefoot in the sand. I crossed the path of a lifeguard and stopped him to ask him about surf spots nearby. He told me that the water directly behind my building was one of the best spots. I mean, really? Seriously? I can just run down the stairs from my studio with board under arm and paddle out right there???!?!!!??! I have just arrived in heaven!


All of the things that I had wanted for India and Bali are mine right now, right here. I wanted to have a bicycle as my primary transportation, to do yoga, surf, have my own space, learn to run, and to write. Done, done, check, check, working on it, and happening!

lost and found.

I am here. I am in Hermosa. My new home for now. I have yet to move into my place (1 more day!), but have been staying at my best friend's who only lives one block away from where I will be. I did not even know that when I secured it. I went to see my place in person yesterday. So far I had only seen pictures and heard second hand about the building and my future studio. It really is right on the ocean, the closet building to the sand, with a beach access stairwell that drops you no less then 10 ft. from the the water. Amazing. I won't have a ocean view, but I can hear the ocean from my spot and just need to turn my head a bit to see the waves from my balcony.

I am so anxious to move in and to have my belongings with my and to create a little space of my own. I am excited for little things like buying toilet paper and dish soap for my bathroom and my kitchen. I am excited to arrange where I will keep the towels and the cups. I am excited to be able to wake up at 5 am and start my VIta-mix without being afraid of waking anyone. I honestly have no idea what I am doing I am just so ready to be still. I don't how long that feeling will last as I have had it before and within a month was itching to be back on the road again. Of course, this time is different, every time is different, every moment is different.

You know I feel like I am in a bit of jumble lately. Not really sure what is going on or what is happening next, or even how I got here. But, I am content with the jumble and as I sit and observe the people I see in passing at cafes and stores I see that I may be more at peace with where I am then all of these people around me. People that seem like they have stability. People with schedules and plans, people with families and careers. A lot of them seem a lot more lost than me. Of course that is my perspective and that is what I am making up, but it just makes me want to be with them and let them know that everything is okay. Everything is more than okay. We are all in this world together, figuring it out the best we can. So lets just enjoy it, right?