a YES!

Last year, I learned about being a YES! to life. This definitely transformed me, but then it is also what caused a breakdown for me when I got back from India.(http://iambeinglove.blogspot.com/2010/02/with-tricia.html) I was back in reach and receiving so many invitations from my beloved friends. I really didn’t want to go to these things. I love them and wanted to see them but I wanted to stay at the beach, at my church, with myself to write and be. I had learned to be a YES!, so I had to say YES to their invites, right? But then a friend informed me that being a YES to myself may mean being a NO to someone else, and that is okay.

This weekend I got present to everyone’s YES looks different. And that YES is not a response but a way of being. Did I get that before? I had made up that it meant that I said YES all the time, to everything. Now, I get that I can be a YES with my whole body and still say NO. Wow!!!!! Powerful shit! HA. Do you get it, though?

I can carry my body, my self, as a yes or a no. I can most definitely hold my body in a way that is unapproachable, in a way that says, “Do not talk to me, in fact don’t even look at me!” It can say, “I don’t have time for you!” We can say so much with our bodies, with the space that we create ourselves to be in. We can be a big fat NO with our entire being. I can also carry my body as a YES. I can be an open and inviting space for the people around me. I can hold myself to be approachable, to be love inspiring, just with my body, without opening my mouth, without even pasting a smile on my face 24/7! Pretty freaking crazy, shiot! (Purposeful typo).

This way of thinking about YES came to me in the yoga teacher training that I attended with Baron Baptiste this weekend (holy crapolo inspiring). He brought these ideas up in the form of the yoga practice, too. In yoga, I can be a yes with my body and that doesn't’ mean that I say YES to every pose, to every challenge that the teacher offers, but that my body is open and that I am listening to it. That I don’t automatically surrender to the thinking of, “NO, I can’t do that. I am not going to even try that. That is crazy. There is no way”. Being a YES in yoga is opening myself up to possibilities of what my physical body can do, right now in this moment. Not approaching poses from how they have showed up on my body before or how they look on someone else’s body. It is operating from a place of non-judgment. Non-judgment to the teacher for what they are leading me through, non-judgment of what my body is today in this practice and also not making up rules and limits for myself. I am holding myself open to what is available in the here and now. I am being a YES with my body, my mind, my heart, my soul, my entire being.


(artwork courtesy of Jackson Nash)

whole

I am still pedicureless. It has been 3 months. I made up that I would give in and get one before the weekend’s yoga teacher training. I mean I will be barefoot all weekend with yogis from all over! I want pretty feet!

I started getting pedicures the same week that I started taking yoga classes, eight years ago. I couldn’t stand the sight of my unkempt feet each time my gaze passed over them. At the time I was living in Chicago, in college full time and working full time at House of Blues as a sound engineer. My toes were always covered, it was mandatory. Starting yoga was also the start of me looking at my feet. Before then I was not a lover of feet of any kind. I was totally one of those people that wore socks with sandals when I was growing up.

After my first pedicure, I was hooked, just as I was hooked to yoga after my first class. When I moved to San Diego in 2003 and went into car buying negotiations I would not budge by $1 because I told them I had made a budget of a certain amount for my monthly car payment and going over that budget by even a little bit would cut into my pedicure budget! Seriously, I attempted to walk out of the dealership three times because I was not giving in. If they were not giving me the deal I wanted, I was going somewhere else. I said, "I get it! If I can not afford this car, then I can not afford this car, but I am not giving up my pedicures or my budget, I will just go find a cheaper car". They ended up giving in and they even paid to put in a sunroof too as that was a must on my list, and I was not going over my budget to get it!

Anyhoo, I have kept pedicures in my life and in my budget all of these years and I have come to love my feet. In fact, I am now more often barefoot than with shoes, but I guess living in Southern California can do that to anyone. So, in the months since I have returned from India I have been battling whether to get a pedicure or not. I am conserving funds. I no longer have a pedicure budget. I have no budget, as I have no disposable income or more accurately, no income period. It's not that I believe that un-pedicured toes are disgusting and unsightly, I just got used to having these lovely groomed feet and I do like it. I attempted to give my feet an at-home grooming, but there is just no comparison, so I gave up on that.

So, the yoga weekend rolled around and yesterday on the last day I my eyes caught sight of my unpolished, ungroomed toes and I thought, “how beautiful!” It wasn’t a forced thought, like I am going to say positive affirmations to my feet so that they feel accepted by me (haha). It was a genuine expression of love, to my feet as they are. You may be reading this and rolling your eyes at me (which is totally acceptable) but this little thing was a huge realization to me. I am ok. I am perfect. I am whole. I am complete. Ungroomed feet and all! It doesn't matter what anyone else's feet look like. Right here, right now I am the same person with untouched overgrown cuticles as I am with perfectly groomed shiny toes!

a sanctuary!

Ahhhhh….MMMMMM….Today. Today. I love you today. Each day is so amazing. No matter what happens.

I have left my sanctuary. I have flown to the the middle of the country, to the giant state of Texas. I left the comfort of my den, the sounds of the waves, and the sand beneath my toes. I traded my bicycle in for a rental car. I made it and I am OK. I am A.O.K. I am more than that. I am alive and I am grateful.

Apparently, a sanctuary can be made anywhere. Or maybe, being in a sanctuary is actually a state of being. I have left my beachside studio sanctuary and survived! Even better news, I am still in my sanctuary, it came with me! It is me!

up for it.

I am driving from my home away from home, outside of town, using my google maps to navigate me into town. I either picked a perfect time for travel, there are many accidents, or Ausin just happens to have traffic that rivals LA. It takes me two hours to get to Whole Foods, I a mere 25 miles away. I did make one wrong turn on to a loop. I have no idea which direction I am going in. My phone is dying and I do not own a car charger. I search for a pen and paper to jot down the directions from my google maps, for I am dependent on this device to tell me where to go! Phone calls are coming in, but I do not answer, must conserve battery!

Sitting at a stand still I find myself quite enjoying the Austin radio stations. My head is filling with thoughts about money that lead to a lot of what the hell am I doing (with my life) thoughts. I am conscious of these thoughts as they arise and find myself taking long sighing exhales just like I do in yoga. I am pushing those thoughts that are not serving me right out with the stale air. I tune in to what the radio gives me and sing along. I am grateful for this reflection box that is carrying me (very slowly) into town.

I finally make it to my exit and think I have taken a wrong turn, when lo and behold the Mecca appears right in front of me, Whole Foods. I park, grab a basket (skipping with glee), and head right to the raw food section (I know my way around too many health food stores around the world to name). I grab a little chocolate mint pie from a Texas based company that I have been salivating for since my plane landed. This little piece of heaven is really all that I really came for. I turn a corner and discover myself in the wine section, where a friendly employee asks me if I want to sample her favorite wines. Why sure! I have time to kill and have just gone through a million emotions in my rental reflection box. I enjoy the wine and the friendly conversations with other tasters then go about my meandering through the store, off to the salad island (so big it is not a bar, but an island) to pile up on random varieties of deliciousness.



I check out and plan to look for an outlet to charge my phone, as I have no idea where the party that I am going to is located, it is all stored in my mobile device. The outside eating area is so inviting though. So, I go out there and dine. I don’t pick up a book, I don’t write, I just sit and eat and enjoy my surroundings and my meal. What an idea! To not be multitasking while eating! Especially, when eating alone! It has been a while since I have done that!



My phone is still on, just not living. I am able to pull up the address from an email and realize that I am only a few blocks away! I can find it with out my Google maps! I spot my evening's destination, Yoga Vida, a yoga studio that is holding a reception for the weekend of training with Baron Baptiste and pull into a spot on the street. I am trying to figure out how to pay the parking machine for the block when a friendly jogger takes out his earphone to yell to me, “you don’t have to pay after 6:30pm! It’s free now!”. Wow! Thank you jogger for that and thank you Austin for that!



My night is magical and perfect. I get to meet yoga teachers from all over who have come to assist the workshop and people that are part of Baron Baptiste's community. I am welcomed by each one of them and I really feel blessed to be in such company. I have no idea what I am in for this weekend, but I am up for it, especially if these glowing beings are part of it!

COMMITTED!

I signed up for the AIDSRIDE Lifecycle on Monday. That is huge! That is a huge commitment for me to make. It is a huge commitment for anyone to make, but for me!!!!!! I mean I have barely committed to anything outside of my work since I got into the music business 10 years ago. I really could not commit to anything outside of work. I did not have control of my schedule. If my best friend called me in a frenzy that she was getting married. I was not able to say, “I will be at your wedding!” I just didn’t know. Let me look at my tour dates this year. Or I may not even of known who I would be on tour with that year, so I had no idea about when I would be in town.

Right now in my life, I have absolutely no idea where I will be in June. I do not know how I will be making an income (manifesting that income now!), where that income will be coming from, and where that income will require me to be. Will I be working in some sort of office? Will I be traveling? Will I be allowed to have time off? All of these questions came up for me when the thought of doing the AIDSRIDE came up for me. But, I want to do it! I am doing it! It will all work out. Wherever I am, who I ever I am working for, what ever happens, I AM COMMITTED TO BICYCLING 645 MILES FROM SF TO LA FROM JUNE 6-13!!!!!!!!!

I am manifesting the perfect income opportunity that utilizes my creative assets, where I am paid to be me, and that allows me freedoms. Will I be making an income writing? Will one of the companies that I cherish offer me a position of some sort? There are so many possibilities in this world. I know that there are a huge number of people out there unemployed. I know that there are a huge number of people out there scraping by on minimum wage, but I believe that we can all do what we want to do. We just have to find what it is we want to do and then put our whole hearts and souls in it. We have to believe in ourselves and in all of mankind. We are truly amazing, all of us. WE can do anything together!

So lets do this AIDSRIDE together! I’ll ride the bike you just get the opportunity to donate! Just think $1 makes a difference. It really does. I currently have 1465 twitter followers (which is insane!?!??!??! And I love you all) If each follower donates $2.90 my goal of $5000 is met! Isn’t that insane!!! But you don’t even have to donate $3, you can donate $1 and you will be making a difference! I am so grateful for the people that have donated any money at all, some people have donated $5 and I love it! They truly get that they do make a difference! They see that their $5 supports me and supports ending AIDS!

Maybe you don't have a credit card or really can not let go of even $1. Just passing along the message makes a difference. Let's do this!

How fitting that Cafe Gratitude posted this today

Give a dollar to someone you don't know or anonymously to someone you know. Practicing giving and receiving are one and the same.

And this.

Giving is a way to release what you've been holding onto, putting more in the flow & connecting to the community.

http://www.tofighthiv.org/site/TR/AIDSLIFECYCLE9/AIDSLifeCycleCenter?px=2524411&pg=personal&fr_id=1220

http://tinyurl.com/yznw6cf


PS.....I am also going to be asking for people to meet along the route at the camps to bring me yummy superfood! Raw or vegan gluten-free! I need your help to fuel this mission!

Abundant

Breakdown! Breakdown! Breakdown! I just had a breakdown! My friend dropped me back at the airport in Austin this afternoon to pick up a rental car. I had reserved one, but him, his housemates and I were trying to figure out a plan utilizing the cars that they own. Alas, it was not looking too good, so we went ahead and picked up the rental car. Now, I can roam freely as I like without interrupting their plans and without putting off things that I want to do.

As I handed my credit card over to the desk agent I felt my body stiffen. I don’t like being in credit card debt! I have never been before! I have no other debt. I have the money to pay my rent, but that is it. I used my credit cards to supply my new little sanctuary with furnishings and to stock my pantry. I want to retire these cards. I do not want to add to my debt.

This week, I was invited to go to San Francisco on March 31 to attend a leadership workshop with the Café Gratitude folks. My initial reaction was YES!!!!!! I have been wanting to go up north just to eat at their new vegan mexican restaurant, Gracias Madre and had even emailed a friend about planning a day adventure for that purpose only. So, this is perfect, and he is going too, even more perfect!

But. Here. Now. Today, I am having a breakdown. I don’t want to charge this rental car. I don’t want to charge this plane ticket to SF. I want to go on a shopping spree. I want a new warm hoody and something cute to wear. I want new Lululemon yoga clothes. I want to buy hair products and makeup. I want to get massages and facials and pedicures! I want to stock myself with all of my favorite superfoods. I want to buy the entire online sweet treat selection at www.oneluckyduck.com. But, I don’t want to rack up more debt.

I know that I am abundant. I know that what I will get from the leadership workshop in SF and what I will get from my Yoga training this weekend will create more abundance in my life. I am not going to go on a shopping spree. I am going to keep living simply. I am not going to primp and pamper myself. BUT, I am going to buy this plane ticket. I am going to go to San Francisco. I am going to attend this workshop. I have no idea what will come from it, but I am drawn to do it and I am able to do it. My credit card debt will go away. I will source income from the perfect place at the perfect time. Because yes I want to spend money on all of these things right now, but so far nothing is calling to me to make that money. I am really enjoying being unemployed. These trips that are costing me money are bringing me income, just not today, but it is coming!

I am abundant!

my medicine

Yesterday, I talked to my mother on the telephone and she said, “Are you going to be able to stick to your diet when you are in Austin?” To which I replied, “What ever do you mean by that?” What diet? Are you talking about the way that I choose to eat and have chosen to eat for years? I am so confused by this question. She knows that I have traveled around the world several times living on my “diet”. How is coming to stay with her in Cincinnati, Ohio and sticking to my “diet” and going to Austin any different? And also she knows I was just in Austin in December and I am pretty sure I ate that time.

I informed her that Austin is the birthplace of Whole Foods and they have several amazing restaurants there for people of my “diet”. She then said, “Well, what about during your seminar? Are they going to have food that you can eat there?” To which I replied, “Well, I am me, remember Mom. I always make sure that I am well stocked and plan ahead to have meals for myself.” When you are committed to eating for your health you are committed. I believe that food is medicine. So, I make sure that my medicine is always easily accessible. If I am going to be at an event that takes up an entire day and doesn’t offer my type of medicine, then I plan ahead and pack up.

Yes, having a Whole Foods nearby (and an uber-amazing one) is awesome, but I can find medicine for myself anywhere. I just have to look. I survived in Rome, Manchester, Sao Paulo, Seoul, Taipei, Lisbon, Leipzig, Brussels, Lyon, Dublin, Adelaide, Little Rock, Omaha, Vegas, Canandaigua, Montreal, Mexico City, Rapid City, Beaufort, and Tallahassee just fine and that is only naming a few. My way of eating is not a “diet” it is the way I choose to live my life. It affects my body and my mind. The way that I eat is not so that I can fit into a certain size it is so that I can be fully alive!

Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food.
Hippocrates (c.460 - 400 BC)



DUBLIN

UBUD

BARCELONA

BELO HORIZONTE

NYC PURE FOOD & WINE




VEGAS GO RAW

scared

My yoga class today starts with the teacher letting us know that the change in season brings up a lot. It brings out old injuries, thoughts, fears, etc. Stuff just comes up. So she invites us to notice the stuff when it comes up but to know that we do not have to be with it.

I am so much stronger today. I am able to flow more gracefully, like I am dancing. I am in control of my body and we are working together. My mind drifts to the thought that at the end of the week I will be in Austin for a teacher-training workshop with Baron Baptiste. I received the invitation to attend 6 weeks ago. When I said YES I made up that I would be in the best shape ever by the time it rolled around. Instead, I am just starting to gather my strength back.

I tell myself that it is all perfect. I am perfect where I am now. It is perfect that I didn’t reach supershape. My mind pictures everyone else at the workshop as uber yogified power yoga goddesses. Oh wait, I am here. I am in this yoga class right now. I bring my attention back to my practice. That is my mantra when my mind wanders, “I am here” or sometimes “I am still here”. I am still in this room, on this mat with this teacher guiding me. I am with my breath. I am with my practice. I am with my body. I am still here.

So, I push those thoughts about the weekend out of my head and continue the class, but those thoughts are real. A fear did come up that everyone else who is attending the workshop will be perfect yogis, with perfect bodies, who can do every pose perfectly and I will be this odd blob of a yogi. But you know what, yes! They all will be perfect and I will be perfect too! It doesn’t matter what they look like or what I look like. It doesn't matter what their poses look like or what my poses look like. We are a group of people coming together to learn from an inspiring man, Baron Baptiste. We will all get something amazing from the weekend. What I get may be completely different what from Yogi C gets. What Yogi C gets may be completely different from what Yogi Z gets, but we will all get. And what we get will be perfect for each of us and the journey that we are each on. What is that journey, you ask? Life! It is one grand journey!

Sometimes that journey comes up as scary, perfect! Life would be pretty boring if it was never scary.

Here is a quote that I copied down over 10 years ago and that has traveled everywhere with me ever since on that same piece of paper.

"If you are never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances."
----Julia Sorel

in church

I am currently sitting on the rocks behind my building with my laptop on my lap, typing away as the sun sets. I feel like I am the only person on earth when I am out here. That time doesn’t exist. Only love exists and that I am connected to everything. I always feel like a gorgeous glowing beauty out here (we will see if that continues when it is warm enough for a bikini, haha). I feel connected to everyone and everything out here. The seagulls are my family. I create that the sand, water, air, and all of the beings out here are sending my information to take in. They are all nourishing me and I am nourishing them. Recently, friends of mine have invited me to attend the Agape church in LA with them on Sundays. The church sounds great, but I have yet to go because right now this is my church. This is where I am enlightened, this is where I am reborn, this is where I receive spirit in its highest being.

I notice other people connecting with spirit here too. People just sitting alone on the beach, staring into the water. People standing with their arms wide open, gazing up into the sky. People meditating with their eyes closed and their palms pressed together at their heart’s center. People dancing alone, doing pirouettes at the edge of the ocean. I see people on the sand practicing tai chi and qigong. They are not afraid of people looking at them crazy for these movements they are making. They are connecting with spirit and themselves.


This peace that I feel, sitting here on a rock in the sand at the foot of the waves, there are no words. Time does not exist. Fear does not exist. I AM IN LOVE! With this body, this soul, this sprit. This is my church, right here, outside of my door.

a watcher

The wind has finally calmed down and the sun is out! I am out walking barefoot in the sand. I get to the Hermosa pier and notice the surfers out. I am walking along the water with my head turned 90 degrees to watch the waves. I almost run straight into a surfer on the beach who is about to head in, but look up just in time. I make up that he is amused with me because he waves his hand and says hello. I keep walking and watching and then just choose to sit down right there and watch.

It is so amazing to watch! I am sitting in front of 3 surfers. They each have short boards and no leash. The guy with the black board is the most exciting to watch. He carves up and down the waves with grace. It looks like he is in slow motion almost. He does some tricks too, like 360 spins, or a spin in then a change in direction going back down the wave the opposite way. I am laughing and smiling, my eyebrows furrow watching their moves. It is the best time. I had planned on taking a long walk, instead I take a shorter one and became a watcher.

I have never done this before, been a watcher. I was always a doer. That is how I learned, by doing. I remember when I first moved to California in Ocean Beach of San Diego. Same as today, I would take walks along the beach and look up and see surfers and think I want to do that. I may have watched for a few minutes but less in awe and more in envy. When I finally did learn to surf, I still never really watched anyone in admiration. I would be in the water with friends and when they caught waves I was happy for them, but really I wanted to be them. I wanted to be the one on the wave. I never just sat and watched people. If the surf was too big for me, did I sit and watch the guys that were taking it on? Nope, I hopped back in my car and moved along. And this is not just surfing I am talking about, in all aspects of my life I have previously been only a doer.

These days I watch everything. I watch seagulls and get blissed out. I laugh at them. Notice the differences among them. I see their beauty and grace. I watch the water. I watch the rippling of the waves. The strength, the gentleness. I watch the dolphins that glide in and out, making me feel like I just bought the Wonka Bar with the golden ticket. I saw the dolphins! I watch the clouds. Their shapes and sizes and movements. I watch the colors of the sky and how it changes and blends together. I watch kids creating their worlds and their parents shining next to them. I watch. And I see.

a reminder to breathe.

I like to randomly kick into handstands. It is something I have done for years, but not consistently. I stopped doing it the last couple of years. I make up I stopped trying because I met a friend who can kick up into them anywhere, any time and walk around. She needs no wall. She appears just as comfortable on her hands as her feet.

Anyway, I have not yet mastered the handstand like my friend Tawney, but I am happy that it is back in my life. This sudden urge that comes out of nowhere to stand on my hands. I am working on not using a wall, so I will spring up about 5 feet away in case I can't stay up my toes can catch the wall and lift my legs back to the air.

It is fun. It is amazing. It is great for our bodies, our internal systems to be turned upside down.

I plant my hands shoulder width distance apart. I spread my fingers wide and press into all parts of my hands. I move my shoulders to stack over my wrists, squeeze my core in and then kick up. I am up! I am upside down! BREATHE!!!!!!!! I always have to remind myself to breathe when I am turned upside down.

I come down laughing at that metaphor for life. When my world gets turned upside down, I remind myself to breathe. It's a pretty good one, don't you think? When your world gets turned upside down, just remember to breathe and you will make it through just fine.

with this body as it is today.

Last night I chose to set my alarm at 8am to attend the 8:40am yoga class. So, today the alarm goes off at 8 and I cannot get out of bed. I finally coerce myself up and start the kettle for my lemon tea. While the water heats up I lie back on my bed and open my computer to check twitter, facebook, my blog, my emails, the usual. Oh shit! It is time to leave! I need to jump back out of bed and run out the door! I don’t want to! I want to make a green shake and get back in bed, so I do. I fall back asleep hard and finally get out of bed (again) at 11am to start the kettle (again) for Mate’ this time. I put on yoga clothes, and brush my teeth. I am going to this noon class. No matter how sluggish and sore I still feel, the class will feel great.

It is much harder to convince myself to get on my bike and pedal 2.5 miles to class then slumping into a car and pressing on the gas pedal. I have to use this tired, sore body of mine to take me to a physically exerting class. I can do it. I am doing it. I am running around and make a point to stop and check the time. I don’t want to miss this class! I am ready to go and still have 15 minutes! Awesome, I can have a little dance party, then. So, I turn on my little iPod stereo and giggle that this is what came up for me to do when realizing I have 15 spare minutes. I love it.

I hop on my bike and start my ride north along the beach. I am so tight and sore. My butt hurts on my seat. I am making grunting and growling noises to myself. Argh! Do I hurt!! I laugh at this internal dialogue and wonder if the people that I pass along my way are seeing a pained look on my face, probably not as I am sure my bright sun squint face is winning the battle. I make it to yoga with the perfect amount of time to sign in and get settled.

I forget that the noon class is titled Core Yoga, and that means working on my core. One of the first poses that we do is tree pose. Balancing already? I laugh out loud, as I am making up that my stiff, un-yogied body is not going to be up for balancing. I surprise myself by getting into it quite gracefully, actually. The class is quite creative and moving at a nice flowing comfortable pace. A few of the transitions I question whether I will be able to make. I go ahead and try and surprise myself. The teacher offers variations of poses to take them to the next level, variations that my body has done before, but today I know this body can’t do. And I am perfectly content in this. I have nothing to prove to myself, to the others in the room or to the teacher. I don’t feel bad because I can’t do it. This body, today, isn’t up for it.

I am aware of the fact that my current body is taking regular walks in the sand barefoot and pedaling a bicycle on a regular basis. These are things my body in the past didn’t do. Someday again, I may be able to do flying pigeon with very little effort and than fly into chataranga from there, but then again my body may never do that again. Easily or not, and that is perfectly A-OK.


I am perfectly content with where this body is now, with where I am now. I am perfect, whole and complete in this now moment!

patient

I have a best friend whom I love, (obviously I love her if she is a best friend, right?) but whom also drives me crazy. She is most certainly not attached to her phone. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can sometime take weeks to get a hold of her. I have known her for over ten years. She has such a pure, good, open heart. Obviously, in ten years of being friends we have gone through a lot. I have always been the “stronger” friend. The person that was always there to console the other, to give advice, to offer endless support. I want to say the same with her towards me, but honestly it is hard for me to see that sometimes.

Is this friendship one-sided? I am consistently there for her to lean on, but is she there for me when I need it? For as long as I can remember I have been a dependable friend to all. If someone needs me, I am there, whether it be via phone call, text, email, or in person. Say the word, I am there. Two years ago when my father died, I often found myself at a loss and I needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t know who to call. I would call this friend all day long for days and get no response. This upset me. Did she care about me? I know she is busy and her life is somewhat a mess right now, but can she just listen to me for a few minutes? Can she return the support that I have showed her for years? I know I appear strong, but I need someone! I realized that since I was not leaving messages, simply calling frequently and texting please call me, that she could have made up that I was just calling to chat about my newest crush or whatever. So, finally I did leave sobbing voicemails saying that I needed her.

When we finally talked I told her about all of the things I made up about her and our one-sided friendship. She apologized and I accepted. I do know that her life is busy and not super smooth, but isn't everyone's? Throughout the last two years, this idea of our one-sided friendship reappeared in my mind. I acknowledged the thought and then let it pass. I love her 100% and I hold space for her and any way that she is being in our friendship.

Last week, these thoughts came back again. We had made a plan to take a walk on the beach one night at 5pm. I am living in complete freedom right now, so I took special note that I had agreed to do something at this time. I want to take this walk. I want to spend time with her and catch up. So, it is now 6:30pm and I am sitting at home waiting. I have not heard from her. I am waiting. Do I just go for a walk alone? No, I want to hang with her, so I will wait. Finally at 6:45pm she texts me with an apology she got caught up and is now too tired. Cool, fine, all good. I will go on a walk alone. We will walk tomorrow she says and get dinner too. So, the next day we make plans to meet at 6pm. Same thing, I don’t here from her. I am starving. Do I go ahead and eat? But I really want to hang out with her! I text. I wait. More than an hour later, she apologizes. She is at a meeting that she forgot about and will come pick me up for dinner now if I am still interested.

The same thing happened on Sunday. She told me that she would pick me at 8:45am. I wake up and text her to check in, knowing that there has been a time change. She tells me that she will be unable to leave until 9am now. No problem. So I get ready and enjoy having more time to myself this morning. It is now 10am….Hmmmm. I could have gone for a walk if I had known she would be this late. Finally, at 10:45am she is here and we take off.

When I see her, when we are together, none of my confusion about our friendship comes up. I do love her with all of my heart. She will always be a part of my life. I am committed to being there for her, but also being there for myself. So, I must be honest with her and share with her what comes up for me about her and our friendship. This is the only way that I see it working. How will she know what she is doing to me if I don’t share it? She may make up that I am so carefree that I don’t even realize that she is late.

I appreciate her and who she is. I am grateful for her in my life. Besides, that I get to know the amazing person that she is, she leads me to practice patience and acceptance in my life.

a gratitude texter

You know drunk texting, right? You get a little loose with alcohol and you start texting (or dialing) possible significant others. Last year when I was on tour, the two other ladies on the road and I went out for a girls night. We ended up enjoying sake with our sushi and getting silly. That night I found myself drunk texting, but not to boys that I had crushes on. I was sending out texts of love and gratitude to friends of mine. Some to friends that I had not heard from or seen in months. Some to friends that I talked to daily. I sent them to friends of all varieties. They were similar messages, yet each one unique in their own way. Messages such as, “I love you and I love you in my life.” “I am so grateful for you and who are. Thank you for being you.”

Last week, after I found out that one of my touring brothers had passed, I found myself sending out messages like those drunk texts to people in my life. I got that I am truly grateful for everyone in my life. Even the people who frustrate me and whom I don’t always agree with. These people reflect to me what I do want in my life, who I do want to be, what I do want to do. They also show me that we are not all the same. They way that I think, react, speak is not the same as everyone else that I encounter or befriend. I truly do love these people in my life and not so that I can be the “better” reflection. I am not better than them. I value these people and their beliefs and their actions. It may not be what I choose for myself, but that does not make them and who they are wrong.

I appreciate all of you and how you show up for me. I appreciate the reflections that you show me. Without you I may never have seen them! I continually learn from you and with you! I am grateful!


"A healthy social life is found only, when in the mirror of each soul the whole community finds its reflection, and when in the whole community the virtue of each one is living."-----Rudolf Steiner

“Friends are the mirror reflecting the truth of who we are”---Unknown

open for adventure.

Tonight my old roomie is coming up to visit my new place. We are going to my favorite restaurant, Julianos (as much as Id love to cook, I can not pass up an opportunity for Julianos!) I have a ton of kale that I want to use, so I plan on making kale chips. I soaked cashews last night to make a cheesy sauce for them. I plan on just chilling at home until she arrives, cooking and cleaning and writing. I get home and turn the facet on to add water to my kettle, but nothing comes out. The building had posted a note that the water would be off today, but somehow I only took that to mean no shower. Apparently, I have become ignorant to the amount of running water I use each day.

I now have no water to heat for tea, no water to purify for drinking. I can make a shake, but will not be able to clean out the blender after, so the remnants will dry to a yucky gunk. I choose to go ahead and make myself a shake, regardless of the gunk that will harden and to go ahead and make make my kale chips so that I can get them in the dehydrator. I whip up the cheez for my kale chips in the food processor, thinking I will bring the dirty dishes over to my friends house since I am planning on borrowing her car to run errands. Oh, wait but I can’t make the kale chips yet, because I want to wash the kale! And now my hands have green shake and cheesy ingredients all over them and I don’t have any water to wash them! HAAHAHA. I am laughing through all of this.

OK, so not having running water makes a big difference in my daily life. I’m gonna get out of here as to not make a further mess that I can not yet clean up. I head over to my friend’s to wash my hands (I choose to not bring the dirty Vitamix and leave it for later) and borrow her vehicle. I usually just do my errands via bicycle but it is sooo windy today that I almost got blown sideways off my bike on my way home from yoga earlier. I get to my friend's and end up hanging out for a bit, chatting and enjoying my time and then my friend asks if I am going to take the car. You know what? No, I am just going to bike it. I just can’t fathom getting in the driver’s seat of a car! So I take off on my bike, heading 1 mile back in the direction of my home and then 3 more miles to the store.

The laughter begins immediately as my attire was not windy bike-riding approved. I am wearing flared leg yoga pants, which I step on all of the time, so there are tails hanging off of both legs (ripped from the leg). On top I have on a sweater which hangs open in the front, over just a tank top. There is no zipper, button, or tie to keep the thing closed. So, I am riding with the wind and have a big cape flaring up around me and my pant leg tails keep getting caught in the gears. I am laughing my ass off! I get an idea to grab each side of my sweater under my hands on the bike handles to keep it from flying about, so now I just look like I am wearing I huge blown up black balloon.

I make it to my destination (which I have been putting off for weeks) and soon my basket is overflowing. I grab bottles of red wine and check my list to see that I need toilet paper, so grab a big pack of it. I check out and exit to stock my purchases into my bicycle bags. Hmmmmm. What was I thinking!?!?!??!? How is this all going to fit? I arrange and re-arrange my items, trying to balance the weight and laughing as I imagine how the ride home is going to go. Is the wind going to blow my heavy side bags and me over? Will the wine bottles break and bleed all over? Will the toilet paper fly away and hit a car’s windshield? This is for sure an adventure!

I start pedaling and hit a bump. The toilet paper does jump out. I turn around and hop off the bike to grab it. The bike is heavy with my purchases and is trying to lie down on the ground. I stretch myself to keep the bike upright, and grab the t.p. I got it! I hop back on and take off again, laughing loudly out loud. On the three miles home I am getting as much an ab workout as I am a leg workout because I am laughing in equal amounts with my pedaling, so basically the entire 3 miles.

I have moments of being a superhero with the wind behind me pushing me down hills. I have moments where I am riding a stationary bike, the wind as so powerfully against me. I have moments that I am in The Wizard of Oz as I feel like I am been carried away into the sky. I have gravity defying moments riding at a sideways angle.

At one traffic light I meet up with three other bicyclists. They are dressed to the max in bike gear. They have the shoes, the helmets, the spandex, and the super bikes. I choose to let them go first when the light changes, because I make up that they will be pedaling at an uberspeed. I mean, they are dressed like they mean business! I travel about a half of a mile behind them and have to keep putting on my breaks to not run into them. What? They appear to me to be racers and I appear to be a goofball on an overly packed old road bike, they have to be faster than me right? After almost colliding into them when going down a hill, I choose to go ahead and pass them. Just a little reminder to myself to not judge a book by its cover. Just because they look racers, doesn’t mean that they are and even if they are…that doesn't mean that they choose to race with each pedal that they take each time they are on a bike!

Now, I am almost home. As I turn onto my short street, to my building that is right on the water, I am frozen. Not frozen cold, frozen because the wind in so strong! I am in slow motion. I am laughing so hard that I start to snort, but I make it! I am home! I unstuff my bike bags and go upstairs. It is now 3pm. I check the water and it is back on! Perfection! I wash my kale for the chips, do my dishes, clean my place, make tea, purify water, and even take a shower!

Later, at dinner, I share this story of my day with two of my best girl friends, and they laugh along with me. One of girls claims that she is so lame when her boyfriend is out of town. That she just likes to lie low and do stuff at home. I say that with that definition that I am pretty much lame all of the time. She screams, “What! No! You are always up to amazing things and on adventures. I say well today I rode my bike in the wind to the grocery store. That is really what I did. To me, it was a hilarious, mind-opening adventure to which she agrees. BUT to someone else it could have been just a bike ride to the grocery store, or it could have been a horrible experience that really pissed them off. It is just how you see it. Life is what we make it.

stimulated

I made it to my 8:40am yoga class. After hitting my snooze button for an hour, I finally got out of bed with 10 minutes to spare. I felt pretty miserable. It is not a physical soreness that I have been feeling, nor is it similar to cold or flu symptoms. It is the feeling of my body starting to detoxify all of the stuff that has just been sitting there and building up. It is internal. I feel blockages opening up between my shoulder blades. I feel a dull pain on both sides of my abdomen. The insides of my hip muscles feel stale. They are very interesting feelings that are hard for me to describe. But, I know that it is my body detoxifying itself. It is all of my internal organs being activated.

As I have written before, I got into yoga years ago as a way of physical fitness and boy did it work for me! It strengthens and lengthens muscles that I didn’t even know that I had! It made me limber, strong, and balanced. Shortly after starting my practice I recognized many other benefits as well. It is a moving mediation. I was able to let thoughts come and go during my practice, but keep my focus on my breath and bring my attention to where I am at this moment in time. Of course my mind drifts but I don't get mad at myself for it, I simply let it go. The lessons that I learn on the mat come with me off the mat. Lessons in self-acceptance and so many other things.

This week what I noticed though, is that I want the yoga asana practice in my life to keep all of my internal organs functioning at their best. I want to be constantly detoxifying! Since I have moved to my home at the beach I have been physically active everyday and I have been living in peace and bliss. So, I wasn’t really craving my yoga practice for the physical workout or the mental clarity, anymore. Maybe this is why I was barely getting to class? I am still in love with the practice of yoga, but I wasn’t craving it day in and day out.

Now after finally getting back to a regular routine of it, I got present to this other aspect of why I want it in my life. For even though I have been keeping physically active and have mental clarity, nothing and I mean nothing does what yoga does for my body. All of the bends, twists, inversions, openers, folds, etc. are motivating my internal organs, all of them! I may not have been feeling so bad when my practice was missing, but now that I have it back, I realize that my body was not fully functioning without it.

So, for this realization I am grateful that I took my break in practice as I have grown even more appreciation for the amazingness of yoga. Can there actually be anything better than it? Physical strength, flexibility, and balance to my entire body, mental clarity, stimulates all of my internal processes, and teaches me life lessons daily? I mean, come on! Yoga, you are just too good to me.

manifestation

Last night I got home around 2am (highly unusual for me these days) and was wide awake. I planned to make it to a 6:45am yoga class today, but the time kept moving forward and I was still awake. Not just awake, but alive. I was stoked on life. Everything that I had been through to get me to today, all of the possibilities for the future and most importantly for enjoying my now! At 5am I tweeted “im in love....i will admit it. i am not afraid...I am in love with this life, no matter what it hands me. I believe in you, life and all u r.” That is a pretty rad thing to feel the need to express when still up and pondering if I am going to get to yoga class in less than 2 hours.

I finally ended up falling asleep around 5:30am and then woke up at 8am. My yoga studio has a class at 8:40am and 10:15, I can make either of these, I thought. I got up and felt great, none of the soreness that I had been feeling lately. No after effects of drinking half a bottle of wine a few hours earlier, in an effort to rock myself to sleep (and just because I wanted wine). I feel full of life and I want to write about so many things. I jot down a few things that come to me, so I can remember to touch on each of them. I love this! Being in my pajamas, wrapped in a warm sweater, sipping my tea, sitting at my desk, swaying to my music. I want to go to yoga, but I am inspired to write now and just want to be right here, enjoying my space, my home.

I start to write and I just feel so at home, typing away into my computer. This is what I want. This is who I am. I am a writer!!!!! I want this to be where my income comes from. Lately, so many ideas have been coming to me on what to do next. I of course want to continue to write and to publish books, but that is not paying my rent right now. I have come to realize that I am so happy not reporting for work and my writing is a full time job, it just doesn’t pay like one yet. So, I have not stressed myself looking for work. I am enjoying this time while it lasts and I am trusting the universe to show me the perfect opportunity at the perfect time.

At the same time I do notice my loves and where I know that I can make a difference. Friends point out my creativity and possible job ideas for me too. After constructing a birthday card out of some cardboard and sharpie markers for my friend everyone who saw it was passionate about me being a greeting card writer/designer. Another friend and the customers of her café want me to have my own reality TV show entitled “TAKE TRICIA TO WORK DAY”. This came about one day when I helped at her café. She clapped her hands together in glee and said, “I love take Tricia to work day!”. After I wrote the “I am being a stand for you and who you want to be” blog I felt so passionate about spreading my joy of life that I actually did want my own TV show of any style, because I make up that it is the most effective way to reach the masses. I just want to people to enjoy life, in all of its aspects. Really, I just want to be paid to be me.

I said that same statement a year and a half ago when I took a break from touring and retired from doing sound. Months later, I ended up creating my position as the joyologist, where I pretty much did get paid for being me. So I will let the manifesting do its thing!....and in the mean time I will keep doing my thing.

in mourning for us all

Sunday night I found out that a touring brother of mine had died. I was shocked, for it was very unexpected. I also was like, well it happens. People die. It is very unreal. The next day, I went through my photos and now remember how much of my life I spent with this guy. We did The String Cheese Incident tour together in 2005. We went around the world with Natalie Cole together in 2007 and he even joined the Mraz tour for a bit last year. Plus all of the Sound Image shop time and local shows that we worked together in San Diego.



When you tour with someone, they become family. Day after day, night after night, city after city, you are together. There is no hiding who you are. You sleep in a bus with only a curtain closing off the space between you. You are fully exposed. You have no choice but to be real in that world. There is no hiding who you are. You become so exhausted that you no longer know what the definition of that word is, so you are operating at some crazy energizer bunny level. You eat what catering has to offer you. You don’t go home at the end of the day and unwind with your family or friends. You don’t watch your favorite shows and go to your favorite restaurant whenever you like. Your life is your work and your work is your life.



So, you build a new family on the road and when that tour is over, you move along and join yet another family, but you will always be connected to each of these families. You may not have much in common with the people that share your stage and your bus, but it doesn’t matter. Often on tours I was the only girl, the youngest person on the tour, and the only person that cared about putting healthy fuel into my body. I was surrounded by men, junkfood, cigarettes, video games, caffeinated beverages, and more. I did yoga outside of the bus before load-in, carefully matched my funky colored athletic shoes to my belts, drank green stuff, and loved all of those boys just the same.



I’m crying right now and I don’t know if it is even for him. Or if it is for all of us. All of us in this world who are not truly living each day. For everyone that spends most of their days dreaming about a vacation they have lined up for 6 months from now. Or daydreaming all day about the next time that they will see a certain person, but in the mean time ignoring all of the beautiful people that you are coming in contact with. This world has so much to offer us, day after day. It doesn’t matter where we are. If you are in the confines of a cubicle, if you are on a sales floor of the local mall, wherever you are, make this day yours. Make it what you want it to be. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one.


RIP ROB. THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF MY LIFE

an open window

So, there is a boy that I have had a crush on for months and I have finally started to communicate with him on a regular basis. I call him my pretend husband and he loves it and began to call me wife. We share a fondness for each other. For what we stand for in life. For our commitment to honesty and many other things. I love this man and he is certainly handsome. Could this be a love connection? We hung out last weekend and had so much fun. We were flirty and have been in constant communication since. I was getting excited about the possibility of a "real" relationship with him. At the same time I was half over it. I needed clarity, are we both just naturally flirty, fun beings or is this something more? So, this morning I asked plain and simple to my pretend husband, “Do you only have interest in me as a friend or something more?” He responded that I was his super duper friend. Cool! Thank you! Moving along!

I was excited to have the possibility of a love interest, but at the same time I wasn't set on it being him. But he is cute and nice AND fun, I told myself. I started to have feelings this week that he was turning into a brother, with all of our fun banter and teasing back and forth. I thought, "there I go again, making hot boys into my brothers". I have so many gorgeous, amazing boy friends that I love to the end of the earth, and now I have another, GREAT! HAHA. I almost wrote him off. Oh, this isn’t going anywhere more than friends? Well your rad, but I am all filled up on rad friends. Thanks for applying, I will contact you when I have an opening.

I have definitely been guilty of having this thought before and not just with possible love interests. I have a ton of AMAZING friends, I don't need to meet you. I am at capacity, I already have too many "best" friends to count. Sure I will say hello, allow an introduction, but I really don’t care who you are. But, then of course I do get to know this someone new and I am blown away. I almost never knew that person?!?!??! I almost turned my back to them? I never know who is going to touch my life. Who will inspire me. Who will be my next partner in collaboration. Who will be my soulmate and not just in the romantic way.

We are a planet of amazing beings. People that I may think I have nothing in common with may be my best friend just waiting to be discovered. They may expose a part of myself that I never knew existed or had any desire for, but shortly after meeting them I can not imagine my life without. Even if I share only a singular conversation with someone, they effect me, they inspire me.

I will never be full on friends! I am committed to keeping my windows cracked to welcome undiscovered brothers and sisters in to my life. Come say hello to me, I will open myself up to you and be receiving for you to open up to me.

(just not on facebook, i keep that private to people I already do know...hahha)

conscious

Is there anything better than this? Is a question that I have currently found myself asking several times a day, during many different moments. The moment that currently brought it up for me is sitting on perfectly placed rocks that make a nice chair for me, less than 25 ft from the waves of the ocean. My knees pulled into my chest, giving myself a big hug and I am right at the foot of the stairs to my building. I am in my backyard.

Early today, I recall saying that same statement, “is there anything better than this?” as I left yoga class with an amazing openness in my body as I glided out of the studio (part glide/part stumble actually, getting my bearings back after savasana).

Monday afternoon, I said “Is there anything better this?” as I climbed back into bed around noon, pulled my cozy comforter up around me and picked up a good book to read. Later that day when I was eating a sinfully good gluten-free vegan pizza out of the box while sitting on the floor, I asked the same question.

So, this statement (question) has become a constant in my life. It is quite funny to me because I am asking “is there is anything better than this?” all day long everyday about doing different things. But, I am not weighing them out. I am not comparing one delight to the next. Well, lets see IS sitting by the water better than laying in bed cozied up with a book? Or what about eating pizza is that at the top or bottom of the “is anything better” list. These are all the moments, the things, the loves that make up my life. Not one is better than the other. What the are, are simply moments that make me pause and sit in appreciation of where I am in that very conscious moment and I am so grateful for all of those moments!

a stand for you and who you want to be.

I want to save the world. I want everyone to feel loved. I want everyone to know that they are perfect. We are all going to be okay. We don’t have to try so hard. We just have to be. We just have to follow our hearts and do what we want. We don’t need to be perfect, we already are. We don’t need to be the same. We don’t need to be angels. It is okay to be the devil. WE can be whatever we want to be. We get to create it. We all have wings. We all have horns. You don’t have to be vegan. You don’t have to be raw. You don’t have to turn off your TV. You can have blue hair. You can have perfectly placed blond highlights. You can dress in the top designers. You can wear army boots and a trench coat. You can hula hoop. You can think hula hooping is lame. You can burn candles, or incense, or aromatherapy, or firewood, or books. You can hunt. You can belong to PETA. You don’t have to agree with everyone. You don’t have to disagree with everyone. WE CAN all live here on this earth together. We can be complete opposites and still have love and respect for each other. I will love you no matter what. You don’t even have to like me. You don’t have to agree with me. You can be whoever you are and I will still love you. I love you. Even, if I don’t know you, I love you. WE are all here on this earth. We are all just figuring it out the best we can.

Just try it. Start with a smile. I got one for you, now pass it along, to anyone, and you know what? It doesn't matter if they return the smile. It doesn't matter if they look away or give you a crazy look. Just try it. Or don't. You can do whatever you like. You can be whoever you like. Just try to not judge those people over there that are doing what they want and what they like. But, I am still gonna love you if you do judge.

Deal?

a hug for myself

I am lying on my stomach on the floor as I type the end of my last blog and I start laughing and lie my face down on the floor. The laughter turns into crying, then back to laughing, then sobbing. I love this moment. I don’t ever want to forget it as I lie with my right leg sprawled out and the left leg bent so that my foot is propped up on the wall. My right cheek is resting on the floor with my gaze set onto my left arm that is at a 90 degree angle with the words “hold space” staring back at me.

I hold space for all these bits that make up who I am.

And now I feel as if a huge heaviness is released from me. I am light-headed and airy feeling. I am dancing in the wind. I am weightless. I am shaking. I am grateful for finding this way to express myself, for getting it outside of me. I have always battled with that, who do I call? Who do I talk to about so many things in my life? I feel so different, who will get what I have to say? Who will get all of me? I have found that I express myself so much clearer on the page then speaking. I love confrontation, I love talks, but this writing I have is the perfect expression of who I am and of what I feel.

While I was writing this and the last blog I moved from desk to laying with legs up the wall, to lying on the floor, to the toilet (yes, I took my laptop to the toilet with me) and back to the desk. I feel great, I am shaking, I am re-born. I want a hug, I want to cuddle. I look down and see the exercise ball that I am sitting on. I can hug that. Oh, that is crazy. Well, I can do whatever I want, right? Lets try hugging the ball, so I do, and I laugh. It feels good to have my arms wrapped around something right now.



I fall back onto the floor, lauging at myself, laughing with myself. I get back up and make myself something to eat. Maybe, this shaking this funny feeling in my body means that I need some fuel. I eat, clean up and do some things around the house. I am still feeling shaky. I pause and notice that I am currently standing up, embracing myself, giving myself a hug.

with this energy through thick and thin

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of noises, my bladder, discomfort, etc and have this very strong feeling that someone is here in the room with me. It brings up fear immediately. Is there an intruder in my room? The feeling of another’s presence is so strong. I know that there really can not be anyone here in my room, there is no intruder. Is it spirit, then? The air feels so thick that I am afraid to breathe. Since my father passed in March of 2008 I now immediately equate this heavy feeling of presence to him. Dad must be here. Is everything okay, Dad? Have you come to warn me of something? Are you okay? Are you content?

I mean the feeling, the energy, that I wake up to is so heavy that it feels as if a private meeting of the dead, with both good and bad energies, is being held in my bedroom. That they are discussing what the next turn of events in the world will be. It is so eery that I am afraid to move. I know that I am okay, that I am protected, that the spirits are not here to harm me, but God, does it feel strange. I pull the blankets tighter around me, making sure that each part of me is covered, sealed in, and find a pillow or anything within reach to squeeze tightly.

I have to get up. I have to use the bathroom. It’s okay. I can do it. I am safe. These spirits are good. All is good. I am afraid to get up. I am afraid to close my eyes. I am afraid to keep my eyes open.

All of these thoughts, these feelings come up in the time span of 60 seconds, but thinking back to it, I imagine it as a full length feature film. I feel blessed to have those experiences, even if they are quite fearful for me. I want to call someone right now to share this experience, but I don’t know who. Does anyone else have experiences like these? Who will understand? I want to call my sister or my aunt and talk about my Dad, but do they have time? Do they feel like I do? Do they feel these supernatural connections like me? I want to have an actual conversation about it, not for the person on the other line to just listen and be like oh, wow what an experience for you, I really need to go run errands now, talk to you later. Will anyone get it? Does anyone really get me? How can I be so grounded and connected to reality, yet one with the divine and the spirits that surround me? How can I truly trust the powers of the universe and manifestation, yet still be a responsible, money-managing, unemployed, bill-paying citizen? How can I be living what others see as a hippy dippy life, but not feel hippyish at all?

I am who I am from one moment to the next. I am with spirit. I pay my taxes. I know that everything happens for a reason. I like to read perezhilton.com. I am love’s perfect expression. I am a potty mouth. I am all about being eco and hybrid cars. My dream car is the older Mercedes SUV that resembles a mail truck (not a hybrid). I miss my Dad terribly. I have no fucking clue what I am doing next in my life. I am perfectly content with myself in all of this. Who am I? What category do I fit in? Preppy? Stylish? Hippy? Trendsetter? Beach Bum? If you really want to know, I am the definition of Tricia Lee Patricia Huffman. Thank you spirits for clearing any confusion up. Is that what you came to tell me?

SUBJECT TO CHANGE

God. Just look at me now. Sitting on rocks watching seagulls. Sitting in perfect stillness. Me, who used to micro-manage a million things. Me, who used to move so fast that it was practically useless to offer me help as I would finish my part and then loop around to redo yours. Me, who would take care of my job, but ask you a million questions as my production manager/stage manager/tour manager to make sure that you were on top of yours. Me, who would work 18 hour days, backed by 22 hour days and ask for more work. Me, who never understood what “stop and smell the flowers” meant as I never stopped. Yeah, those flowers are pretty, lets keep it moving.

I love all of those versions of me. I love the current version of me. I know those parts are still inside of me and will pop out sometimes, when needed or not. I love that I am “subject to change”.

Enlightened

Is there anything better than just being yourself. Putting yourself all out there with no shame or guilt or fear? Just being!!! I type this into my twitter account as I take a bite of my deliciously sinful vegan gluten-free delivery pizza. I pause and look up in stillness, delight and peace and think is this enlightenment? Eating this pizza out of the box, as I sit on my carpeted floor, looking out my balcony door to see the view of the roof of another building? I really don’t care what it is. It is and I am. This is the best life ever. (giggling to myself with my eyes rolling back in my head)

realized while stepping into my past

Saturday night I attended Jason Mraz’s Cord Progression fund raiser for Life Rolls On. I am sure you all know that I have worked for him for the last four years as a sound engineer, tour manager, and then joyologist. I never really wanted to go to the show. I had planned on being at Deepak Chopra’s Symposium, so there was no way that I could go, but then I chose to not be a part of the Chopra event. A friend asked me after I had backed out of the Chopra event if I was going to the show and I thought there really is no reason for me to go. I am quite over seeing shows right now. I don’t need to go. I don’t want to go. No, I am not going.

A few days before the show, Jason emailed me asking if I had any interest in going to the show because Jesse Billauer was introducing him onto stage with a video that we shot months ago to show at LRO's Gala that Jason could not be apart of. In the video Jason jokes that in honor of Jesse, he doesn't even walk anywhere and then I appear and carry him off screen. Jesse and Jason thought it would be a fun idea for me to carry him out onstage to start his set after that video played. So, did I have any interest in doing that? It was too funny to resist. So, Yes I will go, because I now have a job.

I made up that I, along with all of my friends that I knew were going had seats, had tickets. When I go to will call I got one ticket and two wrist bands for my friend and I. I had planned on going backstage only to do my job and watch the rest of the show from the audience, now what? I call to make sure this is right and it is, his guest list was way overfull. So, we head backstage and to my surprise find all of my friends on the side of the stage. The shrieks and hugs begin. I do love these people! They are commenting on how amazing I look, I must have lost weight (nope). I am glowing. I look so happy. One friend, who I rarely see and am not super close to is gushing that I appear to be so grounded. She has never seen me look this grounded. I take it all in. I am appreciative of each person’s words for me. I feel the truth in it all.

I notice that I am actually being with each person that I speak to. There are a lot of people around and I notice others jumping from person to person, cutting off people as they are talking to them to say hi to someone else and then not returning to the conversation they were previously having. I am grateful for my ability to re-instate conversations after interruptions. If someone is speaking to me and in the middle a new person jumps in to say hello, I make a point to pick up that original conversation where it left off. I love this about myself.

I am completely content and happy in my old surroundings, backstage, with people I used to work with. The core road crew is there, all of the management team is about. I am here as a bystander, as a friend, as a supporter and I am perfectly placed there. I do not have any feelings of wanting to be a part of it. I am not judging what is happening, or what would be different if I were a part of it. I am simply being and enjoying my surroundings. Enjoying who I am and all of these lovely people that have come together tonight.

I find Jason when I get there to make sure that I am able to lift and carry him and then he finds me right before Jesse is introducing him. As we are there, waiting to make our entrance we stop and remember to take a love hug. Each night before he went onstage last year, 2009, I gave him and each member of the band one of these super special conscious hugs. We take a long one and then it is time. I scoop him up like a baby and carry him out to the piano bench, whisper "Have a great show" in his ear and scurry back to the side of the stage to watch.

When the show ends I leave without saying goodbye. I assume he is busy meeting and greeting and who know whatting. It is a great thing to feel so close to him (or anyone) that I don't need to say hello or goodbye. Each time we see each other it picks right back up where we left off. I create our friendship as so deep and so strong that nothing really matters. We know each other, we support each other, we love each other. It is that simple.

the boss

I am constantly having conversations with myself that go like this. “I want to do ________” “Well, you know you can.” “Really!?!?!!? I can?” “Yep, you can do whatever you like, whenever you like.” Now mind you these things that I want to do are things like “I want to work out my arms” “I want to hula hoop” “I want to go for a bike ride, but it’s 7pm at night”. They are quite simple things, but they come into my head, as if they are crazy thoughts that can NOT be done right now! Well, you missed yoga class and you just ate dinner, so you missed your chance to work out your arms”. Or "no, you usually only ride your bike in the daylight, even though the path is lit up and you have lights for your bike.” Silly little things, and it feels like the biggest freedom in the world to answer those thoughts with, "if you want to do that, you can!" Such freedoms I have granted for myself!

activated

Ahhhhh! I did it! I woked up! (An expression that my niece exclaimed in the mornings when she was a toddler). I made it to early AM yoga! Since, I have been on a yoga vacation I made up that it will be easier for me to set my alarm to wake up and go straight to the first yoga class offered of the day to get back to it. What happens is although I have been waking up early naturally, I have no time concept and end up missing classes all day long and saying, "I'll go to the later one" and now more than a week has gone by with me not attending class. It was quite nice to be on this vacation, the longest I have taken from my yoga practice in years. I was still active and I was still doing asanas throughout the day, but I was not able to put a practice together and be still in it. It was a little bit here, a little bit there. I didn’t really miss my practice. Maybe because in the past I really needed that designated 75 minutes (or so) to get me centered, to get me grounded, to open my heart, and connect to myself and the world around me. Now, I am living and breathing all of that and more with each moment of each day.

I also no longer think of a yoga class as my physical exercise for the day. Of course, like many of us that is how I got into yoga, as a way of fitness. I was hooked instantly and it did not take long for the power of yoga to change my life and my body. I gave up my gym membership and became a yogini. Yoga taught me so much about myself and soon yoga was with me on the mat and off, teaching me life lessons each day. Yoga let me truly accept myself and love myself as I am. Today I am different then yesterday and I am even different from one moment to the next. It taught me to use a beginners mind over and over again. It taught me to push past what I thought were my body's limits and to stay with it, to keep breathing through physical pain and exertion. My yoga practice also taught me to listen to myself when I wanted to rest. Realizing that I need to rest or take a modified position is one of the biggest moments to me. To know that I am physically able to go into tripod headstand right now from crow, but to realize that I want to rest instead of pushing myself is as much a treat as telling myself I can’t do a pose and then trying anyways and doing it!

I may not have missed my practice while on my vacation from yoga, but you better believe that I did not want that class to end this morning and I am now sitting here in that yoga bliss thinking about going back to the noon class! The yoga bliss to me is feeling all of my neurons fully alive and activated. Feeling that my heart is so open it feels as if a rainbow is exploding from my chest. Feeling the openness in my joints and muscles as I glide like a ballerina from one place to the next. Oh yoga, I love you and what you are to me. I am grateful for you and all that you have taught me and continue to teach me.