realized while stepping into my past

Saturday night I attended Jason Mraz’s Cord Progression fund raiser for Life Rolls On. I am sure you all know that I have worked for him for the last four years as a sound engineer, tour manager, and then joyologist. I never really wanted to go to the show. I had planned on being at Deepak Chopra’s Symposium, so there was no way that I could go, but then I chose to not be a part of the Chopra event. A friend asked me after I had backed out of the Chopra event if I was going to the show and I thought there really is no reason for me to go. I am quite over seeing shows right now. I don’t need to go. I don’t want to go. No, I am not going.

A few days before the show, Jason emailed me asking if I had any interest in going to the show because Jesse Billauer was introducing him onto stage with a video that we shot months ago to show at LRO's Gala that Jason could not be apart of. In the video Jason jokes that in honor of Jesse, he doesn't even walk anywhere and then I appear and carry him off screen. Jesse and Jason thought it would be a fun idea for me to carry him out onstage to start his set after that video played. So, did I have any interest in doing that? It was too funny to resist. So, Yes I will go, because I now have a job.

I made up that I, along with all of my friends that I knew were going had seats, had tickets. When I go to will call I got one ticket and two wrist bands for my friend and I. I had planned on going backstage only to do my job and watch the rest of the show from the audience, now what? I call to make sure this is right and it is, his guest list was way overfull. So, we head backstage and to my surprise find all of my friends on the side of the stage. The shrieks and hugs begin. I do love these people! They are commenting on how amazing I look, I must have lost weight (nope). I am glowing. I look so happy. One friend, who I rarely see and am not super close to is gushing that I appear to be so grounded. She has never seen me look this grounded. I take it all in. I am appreciative of each person’s words for me. I feel the truth in it all.

I notice that I am actually being with each person that I speak to. There are a lot of people around and I notice others jumping from person to person, cutting off people as they are talking to them to say hi to someone else and then not returning to the conversation they were previously having. I am grateful for my ability to re-instate conversations after interruptions. If someone is speaking to me and in the middle a new person jumps in to say hello, I make a point to pick up that original conversation where it left off. I love this about myself.

I am completely content and happy in my old surroundings, backstage, with people I used to work with. The core road crew is there, all of the management team is about. I am here as a bystander, as a friend, as a supporter and I am perfectly placed there. I do not have any feelings of wanting to be a part of it. I am not judging what is happening, or what would be different if I were a part of it. I am simply being and enjoying my surroundings. Enjoying who I am and all of these lovely people that have come together tonight.

I find Jason when I get there to make sure that I am able to lift and carry him and then he finds me right before Jesse is introducing him. As we are there, waiting to make our entrance we stop and remember to take a love hug. Each night before he went onstage last year, 2009, I gave him and each member of the band one of these super special conscious hugs. We take a long one and then it is time. I scoop him up like a baby and carry him out to the piano bench, whisper "Have a great show" in his ear and scurry back to the side of the stage to watch.

When the show ends I leave without saying goodbye. I assume he is busy meeting and greeting and who know whatting. It is a great thing to feel so close to him (or anyone) that I don't need to say hello or goodbye. Each time we see each other it picks right back up where we left off. I create our friendship as so deep and so strong that nothing really matters. We know each other, we support each other, we love each other. It is that simple.