Duality.

I have a written up a Joyology Proposal to send out to my contacts, for them to send out to their contacts.  My goal is to be the onsite joyologist for a TV set, film set, or a band while they are recording.  I am currently concentrating on the entertainment industry, as it is the world that I know.  I asked a friend to read it over and he sends me back an email with my proposal in his words.  I love his approach, but it is not even what I am offering.  I go back to read what I wrote and I believe in it.  It is me.

It is funny.  I have always done that.  I ask someone for their advice, for their opinion, I listen and then do not take any of their advice.  So why do I even ask?  What I just got present to is that in my asking others and listening to their ideas, I come to believe in myself more.  I don’t think that their opinions are wrong, it just makes me see even more what I like and what I want.  What I am looking for.  I look outside in order to see deeper within myself.

This friend and I exchanged several emails and I felt that I was getting heated in my writing.  I am a passionate person and I make up that sometimes my writing comes off as angry or that I am up on a high horse.  So, I chose to call him to make sure that my emails are not translating into anger.  He totally got me and opened me up to the possibility of my softer side.  He asked me to try writing my proposal as if I was sending it to my Grandmother, to sprinkle some sugar on it.  He suggested including the photo of me that was published on matadorgoods.com.  I see where he is going but I do not feel that the picture shows who I really am and I am not soft.  I want to cry, not because he is telling me to be soft, but because this is hard.  To sell myself via email is hard.  (I am making it up to be hard).

I have so many facets (don’t we all) and I make up that it is hard to show them all in a short and sweet email.  I don’t want to come off as a floaty hippy, but I don’t want to come off as a total biotch in a business suit with arms crossed In front of my chest, either.  I tell him that I am not going to sugar coat my proposal but that I am going to make another pass at it, taking out any harshness.   

I find myself writing from my heart and it is softer, it is true, and it is real.  I embrace my softness.  Maybe, I am so used to being the tough girl that I forget that I am soft.   Wow.  It feels good to do the re-write, it feels good to feel my duality, the soft and the hard.  As much as I do know that I am both, I forget, and I forget that I love being both soft and hard.  Some moments may be more one than the other, but they both exist.  They always exist.  Soft and Hard.