Last week, in San Francisco, two of my closest friends shared with me that they have been making me wrong for choosing my home of Hermosa Beach. They didn’t get what I have been up to. They were surprised that I came back from India so soon, but then they were so excited about the idea of me moving to SF and joining the Café Gratitude community that exists up there. Then, I switched and chose Hermosa Beach!?!??!?!? I had no idea that they had these thoughts and feelings, they have not expressed anything about this until now. I totally thought that they were 100% behind me and whatever choices I made in my life. Even if they are not the choices that they would have made if they were in my shoes. I was so grateful for this sharing and held space for them to share it.
Then as it soaked in, I felt so much pain and anger! They didn’t believe in me!!!!!!!! Don’t they know me? Don't they know that my life will always work out? Don’t they trust my intuition and me following my heart like I do? It opened a huge wound for me. In choosing a profession in the music business and then going after being a live sound engineer and moving to the city life of Chicago from Cincinnati after high school, my parents were afraid for me. Why couldn’t I have just picked a normal profession and a good old state school? I never felt support from my family in those choices. I make up that this is because they were just so afraid for me, afraid of failure.
I never doubted myself, though. I go after what I want, even when I don’t know what it is. I knew that I wanted to be a live sound engineer and I didn't even have an idea of what that meant. I didn’t even know what it was called. I just saw the guys behind the boards changing the levels at concerts and I knew that I wanted to do that and that I could do that. I knew nothing about music. I could not play any instruments. I knew no one who did. I went all for it, not knowing anything and not afraid of looking like an idiot. How else would I learn? I found my way in and quit a good paying office job at Billboard magazine to work for free at the House of Blues so that I could see what it took. What this dream job was. My parents did not like that, but I was supporting myself so what did it matter. I made it work and it did.
I remember my parents telling me that they were proud of me when I was on tour doing monitors for a Grammy award-winning artist and all I could think was “FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you are proud of me? Big fucking deal!” Angry, much? So, these emotions came up for me last week when my good friends shared with me that they have been making me wrong. After I acknowledged for myself and with my friends that pain and anger came up I shared what the last couple of months have been like for me, since I was partially isolated in my self-made India. In this sharing, I got for myself what this time has been about. I haven't been questioning what I have been up to. I have just been trusting myself, as I have always done, but this is what I got...
The last few months have been the most amazing ever. I committed to myself. I got to know myself. I got to know what I liked and what I did not like. Who I wanted to be, and who I am. Every moment was huge connection to myself and to the bigger picture. I saw that I needed my time. That I wanted my time and I am writing full time. I went through a lot of changes and transformations since my dad died. I expended a ton of energy last year as the touring joyologist and at the same time was quite lost as to what I was up to. I am now at a place of strength, along with my pure love and joy and so much more. I am whole, I am complete. I am source. No fucking question. In the real India and in my India I got to see who I am for myself and for others. I got to find this out for myself and acknowledge myself on my own. I have struggled with accepting acknowledgement and now since taking myself outside of the community that constantly acknowledged me, I get it! I get who I am! I love who I am! I am love inspiring!
Being up in San Francisco with the Café Gratitude folks I did think, “Wow, I do love these people, I could have been here. I almost moved here”. But, right away I knew that I had made the right choice in Hermosa. If I had moved to SF straight away I would have been sucked into another amazing community and not have dealt with getting to know myself for myself. That is what going to India was about, to get away, to have my own experience and now that I did that, I get myself. I am up for transforming the world! (and I loooooveeeeee Hermosa!)
This is seriously what I did when I re-read this blog to edit it... I was screaming YES!!!!!! And now I am laughing sooo hard at myself and all of it!