open for cleaning.

As soon as I made the commitment to myself yesterday to do a cleanse, I started to feel the effects of cleansing. I only wanted raw foods. The pizza that I have been craving suddenly appeared as gross. I was making runs to the bathroom. My emotions were heightened. I just felt like I needed to get shit out. What have I been resisting?

When I first came back from India I told myself that when I would embark on a cleanse to make sure the parasite was really gone. I looked into Alkaline Cleanses, but never took it on. I thought about a juice cleanse, I have done them before (and The Master Cleanse), but I was not up for that. I wanted to have some food. As the months passed, the thought of doing a cleanse kept coming up for me, but not sticking.  Terces, goddess of Cafe Gratitude, leads a juice fast for the first 7 days of every month.  I told her, in person, that I was going to embark on it, but only did 2 half days.  Sarma, the raw queen of One Lucky Duck and Pure Food and Wine, has been sending twitter updates while on a cleanse, which motivated me, but not enough.  Melissa of Sexy Food Therapy is leading a cleanse where she posts recipes and even gives you a grocery list and I still did not want to commit.  I have been living by the rule that I have no rules. By following a cleanse, I would be following rules. I created that a cleanse was a good thing to do, but I really was not up for doing one. I really did not want to do one.

Instead of cleansing I chose to indulge. I ordered the delicious gluten-free vegan pizza and tacos. I cuddled under the covers late in the day instead of waking for yoga. I let myself do this and I enjoyed all of it. But now I am ready. Now, I want to cleanse. Now, I want to peel back these layers some more. I want to be more vulnerable. I want to see what comes up when I tell myself no. I still see nothing wrong with indulging, I see nothing wrong with drinking some wine, but I want to see what happens when I say, “No, Tricia no wine for you this week.” I don’t even drink wine every week, but something about saying that I can’t have it, made me want it at 11:30 am today as I biked home from yoga class. Seriously, I really wanted to have a glass (or more) of wine at 11:30am today and AFTER practicing yoga. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but today I am saying no to wine and to more.

I am up for it now. I am cleansing. I am going to stick with my yoga practice. I am going to take lots of liver and parasite concoctions. I am going to see what comes up (and out). I am ready to take this on. I want to take this on. I want to give myself rules and I want to follow them.