one with spirit

Today, December 24th, is my Father's birthday. He died in the spring of 2008, so this is the second one I have spent without him. My parents got divorced during my senior year of college, after my sister had already married. My sister spent Christmas Eve with her in-laws so usually it was just my mother, father, and I to celebrate on his birthday. We usually went out to dinner and then to a movie. It was pretty much the only time I went to the movies with my family. After the divorce, my father and I kept the tradition going. Our first solo birthday celebration I decided to cook. I had never really cooked a big meal for anyone before and I went all out. I made a cheese and fruit plate for him to snack on while I was cooking. Then an appetizer of seared scallops. Followed by a main entree of ahi tuna, mushroom risotto, and roasted brussel sprouts. For dessert, I simply served the best chocolate I could find with fresh berries (he loved his chocolate). I remember this meal so vividly because when sorting through his belongings I found a picture of my meal, and I was so touched by that.

Both this year and last, I chose not to go home to Cincinnati to be with the rest of my family for Christmas Eve. It just doesn't feel right to me. I don't want to spend my father's birthday with anyone else but him and I feel that being out in nature is the best way to do that. Today, I started my day with an intense heated yoga class. I returned home to shower and make a green shake and then headed to the water. It was gorgeous in San Diego today. I parked on the side of the road, kicked of my shoes, and grabbed my ipod. I switched it on to a playlist I had made to honor my dad and started down the path to the sand.

I took my time, pausing to watch the surfers, to stretch, to just be. Now and then tears would start to flow but I didn't feel sad. I wasn't choosing to be alone because I wanted to seep in my sorrow. I wasn't depressed. I wanted to be alone so that I could purposely pay attention to his spirit that surrounds me. Little memories that I had long forgotten came up all day long and they each made me so much more grateful for the father I got to have. For the father I get to have. I know he is always with me. I know that I am protected, but of course I miss him beyond belief.

a lover of my physical body as it is right now!

I bought this shirt that I love from my favorite store, Lululemon, a few weeks ago. I fell in love with the shirt when it first came out, but did not like how it fit me. When running super early to meet a friend in Santa Monica a stumbled into the store and saw the shirt on sale. I decided to try it on again and loved it this time! I asked myself if I really needed a new shirt after giving away most of my closet in the previous weeks. Will I wear this in India? I convinced myself that it was necessary and that yes, it would come along in my backpack to India.

The next day I was getting dressed for my day and grabbed my new purchase to put on. I was so excited, I mean this is a shirt I had wanted months ago. I slipped on some jeans and went to the mirror... The horror! Oh no, it did not look nearly as amazing on me as it did in the dressing room! Maybe it was the yoga pants I was wearing when I tried it on, the lighting, the mirror, or even my mood that convinced that me the shirt was flattering?

I scrambled through the rest of my packed bag for a different shirt to wear, but was not into anything I found. I really loved the shirt I had just bought, but did it make me look fat? Wait, stop....What did I just say? What did I just think? What happened to loving my body right now as it is, because that is what I am right now? I may want to be thinner, I may be fleshier then I think I usually am, but even if I start to eat less and exercise more, I still look like this today.

So, I wear the shirt, and I love the shirt and I love myself right then and there. But, the challenge does not stop there. Everytime I put on that shirt, I have a little fight with myself. I love the shirt. It feels so cozy, It fells good on, it does fit well, but when I look in the mirror the judgements come on strong! I turn from side to side for a better angle, I try a different undergarment, etc, etc. Then that voice pops back in, "this is how your body looks today, what are you going to do?' , and over and over again I get to choose to love myself right now inside and out.

Synchronized

I have had so many moments lately that just work out. I am running later for an appointment and start to feel stressed about it, get there and they are running late anyway. I am trying to make it to a movie on time after a quick decision to go, then miss the entrance to the 5 only to look back and see traffic stopped. So, I continue on to the PCH and soar to the movie theater with no stops. I book a million things to fit into the afternoon I fly to Vegas and ask my ride to pick me up with very little time to make it to the airport and then arrive to the emptiest airport I have ever seen with no security lines and a delayed flight anyway.

It is so easy to let myself feel bad for running late, or not organizing better, etc. etc. But it is so not worth it! Especially because it always ends up miraculously lining up. Of course that does not mean I am just going to give up on being on time or organizing, but when things don't flow with my made up schedule I am going to choose to just be with it. To breathe through the stress that comes with what I make up is letting people down, because even if the Universe doesn't re-synchronize for me, I am pretty sure they will live, and I will live and life will go on.

lazy.....and proud!

Today is a lazy day. Why? Because that is awesome. i feel no guilt for spending a full day on the couch, watching cheesy movies, and being an internet whore. I feel no guilt for not going to yoga, or doing exercise of any kind besides the walk to and from the kitchen for random munching and the involuntary stretching I do as I wait for my water class to fill. I feel no guilt for my incomplete Christmas shopping.


The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
Bertrand Russell


This is who I am right now and I am perfect, whole and complete in this now moment!

an open space.

Last weekend I attended a Christmas Party of the sound company that I used to work for. They are the reason I am in San Diego. I moved here before I graduated from college in Chicago to start working and then flew back to take my finals. I was that ready and excited to be a part of their company. They are the second largest touring sound company in the world. I worked hard for them. I pushed my way into their ranks by working tirelessly and showing how non-girly I was in my heavy lifting, but still showcasing how girly I was in my compassion and consideration. I loved being part of that world. My touring career started with them and I am endlessly grateful for their love and support. I left the company in 2006, after working for them for three years to venture into new positions in the production world, but ended up returning to sound in a free-lance position. I have kept a personal and working relationship with many of the employees and bosses, but being at the party got me present to some things about myself.

I was able to be present there fully as me, as I am right now. Who is that? I am not sure! And that is why it was so great to feel like myself. To be interested, engaging, loving, and confidant. I was confidant as myself without having a title to attach to myself. I am no longer a sound engineer, I am no longer going to be a part of that world. I guess I can still call myself a "joyologist" but I do not see myself touring anymore. I am most confident in saying that I am starting a new life. I am going to write and I am going to see what comes up and who I end up being next.

I don't know if I can ever recall being more confident in where I am as I do right now in my life and that place is of a huge open space. I don't know what or who is going to fill it and I do not know where it is going to take me next.

ready

The goodbyes have started. This month I am making the most of my time and making sure to spend time with loved ones all over before I leave on my trip to India and beyond. This week I saw some people that are a regular part of family community and realized this would be the last time I would be seeing them. I hugged one of my ex-roommates and beloved friends last night goodbye and the tears came flowing. Now, I know that this is not goodbye, that I will be seeing them again in my life and that I will keep in contact with them on my journey. I am used to goodbyes, because I am traveling most of the time anyway. But, this is different because I am starting a new chapter in my life. I have no idea who I am going to be when I come back or even where I will be coming back to.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have fully let go of all attachments. Attachments to physical items, attachments to people, attachments to ideas about myself, attachments to my past and attachments to my future. I have no idea what is going to happen on this trip and I have no idea how long I will be away, or even where I will be and I am so ready for that. I have no fear about it. I feel completely at peace.

The next chapter is happening.

In three words, I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost

Compassionate with myself

Around 1pm yesterday afternoon, it happened. My body told me to stop. My body told me that it was tired. I still had a full day planned! I was meeting an amazing inspiring yoga teacher that I met in Thailand for dinner and I had committed to going to see a good friend's show. When this exhaustion set in, I knew I had to let go of some of my plans. I really just wanted to slump into a ball and take a nap. I even thought about taking one in the car I was borrowing.

I concluded a nap was not possible at that time, so I opted for a walk along the beach in Hermosa. I have walked this path many times before with one of my best friends. It used to be a routine of ours everytime that I was in town to catch up on each other's lives. She was too busy running her amazing cafe (Planet Earth) to get away so I had to go it alone. I put my ipod on and started a casual walking pace on the path all decked out in my running gear. After about 15 minutes, I was feeling drawn off the cement path and towards the sand and the waves. I started to walk towards the entrance to the sand and then stopped myself. "I don't walk in the sand in these shoes, " I told myself and, "I am not taking off my shoes and carrying them, that is too much to carry." So I turned away from the sand and continued on the path and then I fought back to myself, "What are these rules that I made up? And why do I have to follow them? If I want to walk in the sand right now in these running shoes, I CAN DO that!" And I did.

I was drawn straight to the water and I felt like I was being drawn into a new world. That peace, that beauty overwhelmed me. My breaking of my own made up rule brought me back to my father's funeral. After the funeral I was stuck in my chair, unable to stand up. My friends took turns sitting down next to hug me goodbye and once they were all gone I still just sat staring at a huge blown up picture of my dad, unable to move. All that I wanted to do was to cry my head off, but I wouldn't allow it. I was trying to keep it in. I kept telling myself, "you can't do that, keep it together." Then, I finally said "Who cares! It's my father's f*ing funeral! If I want to cry and scream I can do that, my father just f*ing died." And then the tears overcame me, I started to scream/whale/cry and I could not stop. I was overcome with this feeling to lay on the floor in front of his portrait, and once again I told myself that I was not allowed to do this, people would think I was crazy! The feeling wouldn't go away though, so I did it. I crawled onto the floor and cried more and more. It felt so amazing to have that much emotion flowing through me and to let it happen. Since that day, a beautiful thing happened, whenever I start to cry I just say to myself, "okay, emotion is present." I don't try to label it or figure out why I am crying. I just let it flow.

When I returned from my walk, I felt better, but still exhausted. So, I made a new plan for the night. I still met with my Thailand connection, but instead of going to the show, I met up with my friends at their house before. I got to be with them and share laughs with them and support them while still being compassionate with myself. I got to retire early and sleep in a lovely cozy house all by myself.

Today, I woke up to go to a yoga class before driving back south to San Diego. It was hard to pull myself out of bed, but I knew my body would thank me. The class started with a mild warm up and then straight into handstands, forearm stands, and headstands. Once again, this is not the class I was expecting, but I took it on. My body was super sore and tight and at the beginning I was in extreme pain. I thought, this may be hard for me right now, but I know it is really going to help. I often love to flow fast and that is what this teacher was offering, but I could not move like that today! Instead of being frustrated, I just went with my own pace and listened to my body. After the first fifteen minutes, the teacher said to me, "I thought you were really tight today? Hmmmm. I guess it's all relative." Isn't that true for everything in life!

So, I made it through and got on the road to San Diego. Even though the yoga had opened a lot up and released a lot, my body was still tired! I felt so tired that I thought I was going to cry of exhaustion on the drive. I made it to my new home here and cleared my schedule. I had semi-planned several things to fit into each day, but now I had to put myself and my tired body first. I put the word out that I was listening to my body and that I wasn't sure what I would attend to in the next few days and that felt amazing!

So the moral of this short story is I love you body and mind. I am listening.

Non-Judgemental

These days it is hard for me to pick which yoga studio and class I want to attend. I have been practicing for 7 years now, and I am certified as an instructor. I have tried various styles and have loved most of them. I have gone through different phases of being addicted to certain styles. Now, I crave different styles on different days. Sometimes I really want to be challenged with a strict Ashtanga class. Sometimes I crave the heat. Sometimes I want a flowing yet very aligned Anusara class. Sometimes I want to chant and OM. Sometimes I want to be vocally guided as if I have never done any of the postures before. Sometimes I just want to flow on my own. Many times I don't know what I want, so I choose a class time and studio that is convenient for me today.

The other day, I went to Hot Flow class at a studio that many of my friends are in love with. I hadn't made my mind up about the studio yet, but I was craving the heat. I got there and stayed in the back, away from the mirrors. Lately, I prefer studios that don't have mirrors so I can feel the alignment in my body and adjust it instead of looking for it in the mirror. When the class began the teacher had a Bikram style of teaching that is not my favorite. It was not a Bikram class, but I could tell she had a background in it because of her guidance and her clapping. Then she turned the music on and it was a Britney Spears song with just the backing tracks, no vocals. Those are just a few of the things I remember from that class, that are not I was looking for in my yoga class that day. But, I took it on. I breathed through it. I stayed in my practice. I did not judge her teaching style, or the music, or the sequence, or the studio and I f*ing loved it!

I felt so alive in that class and long after it ended. My body got to detoxify, strengthen, lengthen and more. By me not judging the class I opened my body and mind up to receive so much more. So I am concluding that on those days that I don't know what I need the universe does and I just need to welcome it in.

INSPIRED!

Happy hands are on fire! I am so lit up inspired by everyone and everything! I am so excited for life, for the possibilities in life, for the struggles in life because it just brings on more life! I love it all. I am leaving Austin today to head back to San Diego and was just thinking about what I would do with my evening home. My new roomie will be out of town, so it occurred I could have a space to my own to just chill and be. That used to be my dream, to have everyone gone so that I could just be me and do whatever I felt.

The times have changed! Now, I am thinking, who can I see, who can I spend time with tonight? I am so inspired by all of life that I just want to be in it, with people, living it. I am me when I am with others, whether I know them or not. Living life everyday is what calls me into living up to the spirit abundance name that I have chosen as Love Inspiring. I can not be that on my own. Life calls me into being that. You all calling me into being that. If I was holed up to myself I think my inspiration would dwindle. I just started to try to write some of the things down that inspire me and the list was impossible so I will say this.

I am inspired by all that I see and all that I do not see.

a creator of fiction

I make up stuff and then I laugh at it. This week with my new twitter account, I would read my friend's posts and then be wondering why they hadn't told me about what they posted. I would get jealous that I did not hear this first hand or I would make up who they were with and how they were acting by reading about it. I don't know why I was doing that, I certainly didn't want to be making that stuff up. The funny thing is that they were telling me first hand, they were using this tool that we signed up for to use to share with each other. I created that I was separate from these loved ones, when I am the one that separated myself from them physically, by going to spend time with other loved ones to be inspired by new places and people. It is all so silly, so I laugh.

Remember that nothing has to change in the world for us to transform our own life experience.
Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

a superhero

Long travel days make me feel like a superhero. I cross climates, time zones, and languages. I surpass regular sleep and diet habits and come out in another continent ready to live the day full out. Today, I land in San Diego at 1pm PST. I left my hotel in Belo Horizante, Brazil at 9pm last night BRT. Took a flight departing at 11:50PM BRT to land in Miami at 5am EST collected luggage at customs and boarded another flight at 8:20AM EST to land at LAX at 10:40AM PST. Now I await my flight leaving Los Angeles at 12:25PM to jump over to the little commuter terminal in San Diego at 1:15PM PST. When I land at my final destination of San Diego it will be 7:30PM in Brasil, where I started. Almost, making it a 24 hour, full traveling day!

I am ready and raring to take this day on! I am shocked to find it is December. I have to keep looking at my calender to see what day of the week it is. I am trying to do time zone math in my head in the opposite direction that I have been to see if my Mother will be home from work if I call now.

Someone might read this and think that sucks! She must be so out of it! But no, I feel like a superhero! What do you have for me, I can leap over entire continents without ever knowing where I am. I can time travel in real time and spread my love inspiring self to people of all cultures, languages, shapes, sizes, and careers in a single day. And to me it doesn't even feel like one day, because I am a time traveling superhero!

what I am being

The tour ended last night and upon returning to my hotel I immediately felt like I had A.D.D. I could not be still, I could not fall asleep. When I woke up in the morning I stayed in bed for a few hours tuning into random movies that were on in English. I wasn't departing the hotel until 9pm to head to the airport. I questioned my laziness, but decided I was allowed to take advantage of having my own space and a comfy bed for the day. As I am once again transient. True, I have "moved" in with one of my best friends for the time until my departure to India, but I have moved into a room that she has used as a music room in the 5 years she has lived there. Also, I will be spending more nights away then at my new roomie's. I am committed to spending time with friends and family all over the U.S. before my big departure. My constant travel from tour will barely be slowing down, but instead of inspiring love to my touring companions of band and crew I will be inspiring love with people that have touched me and inspired me and they will be calling me into being inspiring love.

So, I had a day of hotel room lounging, internet, and organizing. I met a few people for a final local Brazilian meal and then packed up for my 9pm lobby call to the airport. As soon as I reached the lobby, the A.D.D. feeling set back in. Now, I am on the plane 5 hours later and wondering, "what is my deal?" Is it my internet addiction kicking in and setting me into withdraws? Is it the teany tiny cup of fresh local coffee i tasted 6 hours ago at dinner? Is it my pure excitement for the ending of the tour and the start of a new leg of my life?

All I know is that I feel like this right now, because I am like this right now. There is no need to label the feeling or to figure out the cause of it. I am just going to be with it and see what it has to offer. For instance, I am currently on an eight hour red-eye flight typing this blog, listening to the in-flight movie, and interacting with my fellow travelmates a few seats away. I don't mean taking breaks from one and going to the other, I am doing it all at once. I was planning on sleep, but this is what I am right now.

Protected

I often have moments when I completely forget that my Father is gone. Just a moment ago as I was meandering about online, I heard my mailbox telling me that I had a new email. The first thought that came into my head was, "maybe it's Dad!" I often have moments like this, my phone rings, a text comes in and I am expecting it to be him. More times I pick up the phone to call him and then remember he is no longer there. But, maybe these moments are not misguided, maybe it is him in spirit telling me that he is here with me, that he is thinking about me, that he is watching over me. I do feel him with me. I feel a thickness in the air. I feel the look of pride and love in his eyes. I see his smile. I really feel his protection so much that if I were not as strong and open, I would be running for help in fear that there was someone in my room, someone following me. I feel his energy with me that strong.

I love you Dad and I love the person I am and have become in the dealing with your loss and in turn with life itself.




Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
A. Sachs

Spirit, Nature, Myself

A few days ago we arrived back to Rio to a hotel next to the beach. I had planned on jumping in the waters on our return but we arrived to the hotel much later than expected and the surf was enormous and dangerous looking. There were even red flags posted along the sand. I had really been craving the water so I decided to go for a walk along the tide instead of heading to the gym. It was 6:30pm when I headed outside and clouds were covering any visiblility of the sun. It was still in the upper 70s to low 80s though. I took only my ipod and room key with me and opted for flip flops instead of running shoes so that I could feel the sand and water. As I walked along the huge surf I felt like I was the only person on earth. I felt completely at peace and safe with these huge waves crashing in and with the tide reaching further and further onto the beach. I wasn't alone on the beach, there were others running in the sand but they were far from the water. There were also people milling about the sidewalk and a full traffic lined street above that. I was not alone at all, but it was really hard for me to believe that. As I reached the farthest point of the beach a storm started to set in and I giggled and skipped through the water like a little girl. I got caught by the tide several times, even as I tried my hardest to outrun it. My pants were wet up to mid-thigh and the rain was covering the rest of me. I began to sing outloud along with what was coming through my headphones, not in a shy soft voice, but a loud and proud voice as if I was alone in a car on a roadtrip. It was the most magical, moving, enlivening piece of time. I felt connected to spirit, to nature, to myself. I was spirit, I was nature, I was myself. I am spirit, I am nature, I am myself.

trust

Today we had the opportunity to take a spin around the Interlagos Race F1 Circuit, where Brazil's Grand Prix takes place. Before we got in the race cars, the president of the Circuit took us around the track in his own regular old 4-door car so that we could get a feel for the track and see it in slow motion. We started off at a noble speed, just as if we were cruising around any suburban neighborhood. Then, suddenly the president sped up to show off his driving skills. I was in the back seat, between two of my touring brothers, without a seatbelt. As he sped around the turns in his family car, flashes of fear crept in.

Oh shit! What if this flips over? What if I go through the windshield? What if? What if?

I caught myself, and realized that everyday I choose to live in trust. No matter where I am at any moment there is a risk of danger. Driving myself at home. Being a passenger on an airplane. Walking down a street in an everyday neighborhood. Even lying in bed in my hotel room. Natural disasters often come with warnings, but not always. Danger exists, but I choose to not live in fear.

Everyday we trust each other on the road. No matter how good of a driver I am, there is still everyone else on the road to consider. There are faulty mechanics in our vehicles and in our traffic systems. There are animals and foreign objects that appear. No matter how safe or wealthy of a neighborhood I am in, there are still people out there who will find a way to criminalize them. No matter if it is a perfect sunny day or the middle of the night under a full moon, danger exists.

When I got in my race car, with my professional driver, he said to me, "I go slow for you." I replied, "Hell no! Go fast! I want the full experience!" As we sped through the curvy track I felt alive, I felt safe, I felt at peace.

Thank you universe.

Here....Wherever that is.

Tour Life.

Everyday is the same. Everyday is different. New city. New rooms. New people. Same people. Same stuff. Sometimes there is a different language everyday. A new currency everyday. I wait for the magic piece of paper to be pushed under my door to tell me what the next day will hold. It tells me what time to be in the lobby, where I am going, what time the events of the day will take place, it even gives me a little hint to what the following day will hold. I often do not know what city, time zone or day I am in. Where were we yesterday? I used to blame this on exhaustion, but now I take pride that I am being present. I am in this moment, right here, I just may not know where that is.

We show up and set up our goods with the help of the local teams for the day. Somedays it is easier than others to get the items we ask for. Somedays the rooms are nicer than others. Some days we have port-o-potties for toilets and no running water. Each day we take what we have and work with it. We enlist each other in the phrase, "It is what it is". Griping about it sure will not improve the conditions of the day, so we joke and make Magyver cour way through it. I resort to laughter. It always works. The show always happens. The audience is always overcome with satisfaction.

It's just another day at work.


Here are some photos from my past life as a monitor engineer and new life as joyologist all taken somewhere.


















Random Dressing rooms

silent

Yesterday, November 20th, I chose to participate in http://www.iamsilent.com/TakeTheVow/ put on by http://www.freethechildren.com/ along with one of my traveling partners. A few weeks back we had both been on a retreat that requested all of the participants to be silent from bedtime one night to 4pm the next day. So, I had some experience with this, but that happened on a farm with 30+ others participating in silence as well. Yesterday, for us was a travel day. We checked out of our hotel rooms in Buenos Aires at 11:30 am to head to the airport. We flew to Curibita, Brazil via a transfer in Porto Alegre and checked in to our new hotel rooms around 9pm. Thank goodness it was a travel day and not a show day.

Traveling in silence, especially in foreign countries was pretty easy. Although, communication was necessary, I was able to get by with head-nodding, facial expressions, and pointing. At the airline check-in desk, the agent asked me what my final destination was, and I quickly found the name to point to. To be honest, I would not have been able to pronounce the name of the city clearly, anyway. When going through security, the officers asked me about items in bag, so I just searched my bag and pulled out the items I thought they may be looking for. At customs, all I needed was direct eye contact, a serious look on my face, and coprehensive head nods, with a smile at the end. I do not think anyone of them noticed that I was purposely not speaking.

The rest of my traveling party slowly figured out that I had taken the vow, but that did not keep them from talking to me. Several kept striking up conversations with my silent self. At first, I thought maybe they forgot and that is why they were talking to me, but then I decided to take it as they just wanted to talk and they know that whether I am responding or not, I truly do listen to them.

I loved the silence. Which, may be surprising because I am quite a vocal person. In taking on the silence though, I felt like I was giving myself a break. I got to try on a different side of myself. I often answer and speak without much pre-meditation, which I do love about myself, but the vow showed me that although what I say is worthwhile, life moves along just fine without it. I did not take that negatively, just meaning that it is okay to breathe with something, to sit with something, to not feel the need to jump in and "help". I was able to acknowledge that I do add to the lives of others, even when I am not in direct response to them.

Honestly, the only thing that upset me during my 24 hours in silence, was that I could not respond to a friend's email reply to a message I had sent her. In reading her email, I made up that she had taken what I had written to her the wrong way. I wanted to FIX it so bad! And really there was nothing to fix, but I just really wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I laughed at myself, and my urgency to fix the situation that was not even a situation. I knew and do know that if she is really the friend I want then she doesn't give a shit about an email I sent that she read differently then I wrote it. She loves me and holds space for me no matter what that email said and I feel the same to her! When the silence ended, I did respond to the email and included how badly I wanted to respond, she laughed at me and of course never even had the thoughts that I had made up she did.

So, life goes on with speech. I plan on using this vow of silence to remind myself to speak with clarity, intention, and pride. But, to also let go of the voice that feels it always needs to speak.

Powerful

Today I woke up to an email from one of my closest friends. She wrote that she had had a bad couple of days recently, due to some unwelcome criticism from people. She was now out of her funk, but she had let it effect her for a few days. Words hurt. It took me a long, long time to be able to agree with that old saying, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me". I actually just realized now, as I was typing this, that I do finally agree with it.

In my life already, I have been in several situations where I have actually said to myself, "This is the hardest thing I will ever live through." I believe that by telling myself that, I was able to get through those times. It was as if it helped me to push through it and get to the other side. Instead of succumbing to the tragedy that I was living through and letting it take me over, I told myself "This is it. I will get through this and then it is over." I truly believe that it gave me power in my life and today I am grateful that life handed me those situations.

I responded to my friend's email immediately with excitement and this is a direct copy of how my email to her started.
That sucks! But what a great thing to push through! What an amazing experience to have all that hatred coming at you for no reason! What a huge test for the love and confidence you have for yourself and your art! As, I am reading it again now, I am laughing out-loud at myself. I kind of sound like a nut, but I love it and I believe it.

My favorite quote is from Eleanor Roosevelt and I have a tattoo represented on myself in full view as a constant reminder. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Since living with this reminder on myself for the last 5 years I have interpreted that quote to cover all emotions. The only person that can make you feel happy is yourself. The only person who can make you feel loved is yourself.

The only person that can make you feel ______________________ is yourself!

Visible

Touring for a living is quite a world. I travel, live, work, eat, sleep and pretty much do everything that you can think of with the same people day in and day out for months. They may not all be people that I would hand pick to spend my life with, but they turn into my family. There is not one tiny bit of myself that I can hide from these people, so in turn, there is nothing that I can hide from myself. They see me at my ultimate highs and at my lowest of the lows. They see me scramble from my bunk with hair sticking out in all directions and eyes unable to open. They see me when I get all dolled up for an evening off out on the town, donning makeup, dress, and heels. They see me in moments of complete embarrassment and in moments of sheer pride. They are around when I don't really want to be around them or anyone. All parts of me are wide open to be seen.

It is a different way of life and I get to learn so much about these beings and about ways of living that I would otherwise never know and sometimes don't necessarily want to know. They expose me to foods, music, movies, comedy, everything I can imagine and a lot things that I can not or do not even want to try to imagine. There is no bullshit. There is no room for thin skin. I see who I am through them. They inspire me, humor me, comfort me, and keep my ego in check in more ways than I can describe. They call me into being.

I was inspired to write this blog yesterday, as I sat on an airplane from Rio de Janeiro to Buenos Aires and happened to look around at my fellow travel mates. I looked from one guy to the next in their various states. A few were passed out with mouths ajar. Some of them were reading or jamming out to their headphones, and then there were one or two visibly annoyed with who knows what. I took my time looking around at all of them and I realized that I was completely overcome with love for each of them and in turn for myself.

I am, who I am, l because of each and every person that I have ever shared a tour with and for that I am immensely grateful!

Completely Satisfied in this Now Moment

Ever since, I typed the words This is my life's purpose in a blog last week, my life has changed immensely. My relationship to myself, food, exercise, friends, everything and it changed in an instant without me being conscious to it.

I have always loved food. For over ten years I have thought of food as medicine for my body. I healed myself of fibromylgia by changing my diet. I eat the best, cleanest foods, but I love food. In the past I would have a hard time saying no to it. I would eat past my limit and eat fast. Since the evening of my exclamation, a miracle happened. I suddenly started to eat slowly, and stop when I was full! I savor each bite, and though I am greatly enjoying my food (I even ate at my favorite restaurant), I end up leaving almost half of it on my plate. I am completely satisfied in this now moment!

Another thing that shifted was my relationship to my body. The morning after typing those huge words, I went to a yoga class. Recently, I had noticed that I was on the higher end of my ever-shifting scale and I was ready to shed the extra layer of me. Often in yoga, I find myself in positions where it is really easy to judge my external body. The extra supportive padding is put in my immediate view, and often times I can be judgmental of myself. This day, I was feeling stronger than I had of late and felt light in my body, freer to move. It felt as if I wasn't holding onto as much in my body. When in positions where my mind often goes to judgement it instead was supportive and acknowledging a new slimness which I couldn't see even the day before. Towards the end of the class, we went into a deep twist, which forces everyone's extra goodness to stick out into full view. When I went into the twist and happen to glance down to see that extra part of me, I didn't go into judgement mode. Instead, this loving, compassionate inner voice came up and said in the softest, sweetest way, "I don't need you anymore. It's OK for you to leave me, now. I am safe here without you." What?!?!?!??!??! Where did that come from? What does that mean? Wow! It was so beautiful and comforting!

On the walk back to my friend's house after the class, I shared with her my experience in yoga that day. I described the voice that came up in the final twist, and through my sharing realized that all of this time I must have been subconsciously holding onto my extra, outer layer as some sort of protection. Protection from what, I have no idea, but over the years it comes and goes a little, but I always felt like I was fighting with it. I would try to push it away, but somehow I really need it? No more, though, I do not need it. I don't need that protection. I know that I am protected in all moments, in all spaces, with all beings.

When we got back to my friend's apartment, I happened to glance up into a mirror as I was passing through and I seriously did not recognize myself. I showed up different to myself. The day went along with a new vibrance, a new lightness, a new me. That evening, I was on the train back to Oceanside and excused myself to the restroom as soon as soon as I boarded. When I closed the door and looked up into my reflection, I almost jumped back. I stared at myself and said," Holy shit, I am gorgeous!" and I believed it. I have been having moments like this ever since. In fact, I just looked up into mirror, as I was typing this and blew myself away. This is me at the moment I saw myself.


My relationships with other people has also changed since knowing myself as this new self. I feel dedicated to the people in my life in a new way. I choose to be with them and hear them and inspire love in them. There were a few days this week that I was juggling multiple errands in the midst of making stops to see friends, or ran into friends while trying to accomplish my tasks. I chose to share time with them instead of rushing through to get to my next errand and it felt great. I really wanted to hear them and be with them. My days all fell together, I accomplished everything that I needed to. At times when I ran late for appointments the universe swooped in and made it ok, everything lined up perfectly. I chose to cancel one meeting with a friend that was on the other end of the city, so that I could move more freely through the rest of my day and it turned out that they forgot they had other plans, anyway. It all worked out. I even found myself opening up to friends of my friends. People who in the past, I really did not even try to get to know. I would be polite to them, answered questions they had for me, but never really cared to know anymore about them then I already did. Upon arrival home to Oceanside a few of these "friends of friends" showed up and I was actually excited to see them. I sat down with them, chatted with them, inquired into their lives, and even offered them hugs upon their departures! That may seem like small potatoes for you, but this is huge for me! I am opening up to everyone, I am peeling back my layers and a new love inspiring Tricia is showing up.

awake

Today I woke up in a new bed, in a new home. I slept soundly and woke up before my alarm. I was so cozy and comfortable and content. I love being in bed. I love sleep. I realized that I had many things to do today but that I could probably skip the early yoga class I was planning on going to and stay in bed a little longer. I love being in bed, I love sleep, and I love dreams. Then I voice broke in and said, "But, my life is a dream! I have such a big life! I want to get up and live it!" So, I did!

Free

Today, I took on moving out. For the past 22 months I was blessed with the opportunity to live in the most amazing space, with the most amazing community. Prior to this house the longest I have ever lived anywhere was 10 months since I left home at 18. When I initially came to stay at this magical space, I planned on just staying for a week between tours. At that time in my life, I lived out of a suitcase and a storage unit. When I was not on tour, I figured out a place for myself to discover and stay. I took road-trips, stayed at friends vacation homes, lived in a friend's apartment while she was working on a film on the east coast, back-packed around Costa Rica, and on and on. I lived in motion. So, I planned on this space being the same for me, a temporary stay.

As soon as I requested my stay, the inhabitants of the house were saying, "sure, move in" and started to introduce me as their new roommate. I kept correcting them, promising that I was only staying a week and only bringing a suitcase, but I guess they knew better than I since my stay has lasted 22 months!

This house has been such a space holder for me. I transformed in this house. I made it my own private retreat center. The last time I talked to my father, was about a week after I "officially" moved in and moved out of storage. I was rambling nonstop about how amazing it was and how happy I was to be there. He told me in a voice so proud that he was so happy that I finally had a home. He died unexpectedly the next day and this house is where I came back to heal.

In this house I became a raw food chef. In this house I studied to be a certified yoga instructor. In this house a became a mother to my community. In this house I created the job of "joyologist". In this house I blossomed and became so grateful for every moment, for every color, for every being and now, I am ready to leave this house.

I had planned to move out in the beginning of January as I have booked a one way trip to start in India with no date in mind to return. I was finally headed "home" after visiting family and friends in the midwest directly after tour and realized that I felt like I was returning to a house that I had already moved out of. I had moved out emotionally and mentally, so why not just go ahead and move out physically? I still love the house, the space, and the community I just felt ready for a new space. I felt that I did not need this space anymore.

So, today was the day. I re-collected the bins I had lived out of from my storage unit and proceeded to empty the contents of my closet. I had boxes set up for giveaways, storage, and to live out of until my big one way departure. I thought it was going to be so easy to release at least half of my belongings to give away. Especially since I live out of a suitcase for most of the year on tour. I was WRONG! After stuffing all of my belongings into bins, I had one overflowing box to give away and 6 bins to keep!!!!! I took a break and when I re-entered my room I was disgusted and overwhelmed with the amount of belongings I had decided to keep. So, I chose to go back through all of my "keep" bins and attempt to get rid of half.

I collected an empty box to get ready for the new giveaways and proceeded to dump one bin at a time onto my bed to re-access. I held piece by piece of clothing up in front of myself and I could not believe what came up! One shirt I tried to cling to because I told myself that I looked like a bad-ass when I wore it. There was a pair of jeans that I tried to reason with myself to keep because I had REALLY wanted them and had spent a lot of money on them (no matter I have barely worn them since I purchased them 6 months ago). There was a sweater that I wanted to hold onto because every time I have worn it I have received compliments by guys. A came across another sweater I kept "keeping" because I feel sexy when I wear it, but it is not the sweater that makes me sexy it is who I am being when I wear the sweater. I held up many items and thought, "I love this", but then I thought, is wearing that once a year, the way to show it love. Is storing it in a bin, that I may not come back to for 9 months love?

So many things and ideas about myself came up and then I started to judge myself because I was so attached to these clothes! Then I realized it was not the clothing I was attached to it was who I thought I was when I wore those clothes. It isn't the cute hat I am attached to it's the idea that I am the girl wearing the cute hat when I wear the hat. When I tried to cling to that sweater that has gotten me so many compliments, a little voice came up that said, "I am not my sweater!" I don't know where the voice came from but it was beautiful. Emotions were flying out of me, I was sobbing loudly and proudly as I threw clothes into that giveaway box. I thought to myself, "this is the most amazing thing that I have ever done. This is so beautiful."

Now, I find myself sitting at my new "temporary" home and I feel free. I feel new. I am loving the space I am in, the space I left behind and the space I am carrying with me. I am holding space where ever I am.

a team member

This week I stepped out of who I usually am being in so many ways. I wrote previously about my experience making requests for my trip to LA, but even before I wrote that email I was stepping out of my old ways.

I travel for a living. I am almost never home. I am in a different city everyday, sharing space with many people, mostly sleeping on a tour bus. So, I savored alone time. I savored hotel rooms, having my own space. In the past, when returning home I would prepare for a short hibernation, an escape from company. I may still spend time with friends and roommates, but was also making the time to hole myself up in my bed alone to read or watch movies or fuss online. I made up that I needed that time alone to recharge.

After the most recent leg of tour ended, I kept the traveling up. I flew home to visit friends and family, driving from Cincinnati to Asheville to Beaufort to Tallahasse and back and more. So, in a sense I was still on tour. I was still moving. I kept thinking that November 2nd was when my "time off" started. That was the day I was returning home to San Diego. That was when my hibernation gift to myself would kick in.

Then, one of my best friends who tours also and I barely get to see, told me that she would be in LA for a few days, leaving early AM of November 4th. I thought, I would love to see her, but go to LA the day after I get home? I had planned on hibernating, that is what I do. After deliberating, I decided I that I would rather see my friend then start my hibernation. So, I arrived home to San Diego on the afternoon of the Second and hopped on a train to LA the afternoon of the Third, thinking I would just stay 2 days and then return home to hibernate.

Once I opened myself up to my friends in LA, though, I got so recharged that I can not verbally express it! The best I can do is to have you visualize me jumping as high as I can, both arms erected to the sky, moving my hips from side to side and yelping, "Waaaahoooooooo!!!!!!!". That feeling started when I sent my request email and has yet to stop! It is miraculous!

I feel like I am part of a team now and all of my team members don't even know each other, but we worked miracles this week! They were all a part of my becoming and declaring myself as a writer. I was and am Touched, Moved, and Inspired by each of them. Even, if I only saw them long enough to give them a delicious hug in passing. We are all a part of each other. We can make anything happen together. We are never alone. Everything that I do is because of them. Everything I do is with them.

All of this time, I have told myself that I need "my" time to recharge. I thought if I spent too much time with other people that they would drain my energy. Wow! I am not creating myself wrong for doing that, but thanking myself now for that old way because I am so much more present to how a thrive and recharge when sharing my energy with my team.

I thrived so much with my team in LA that I am just now on a train back to San Diego and it is Sunday evening! I had only planned on staying until Thursday and you know what? I have absolutely NO plans of hibernation! I now can not wait to see my San Diego team! To create with them, to share energy with them, to merely be with them!

We are all on the same team! Can you see it? Can you feel it? Even if we have never met, we are on the same team! Even when it feels like we are playing against each other some times, we are really on the same team!

I invite you to step out of an old way of yours. Just try it on. You never know, you may end up re-creating who you are being too!

a writer

Last week, while visiting friends and family, three different people told me that I needed to write a book. I saw these three people on separate occasions and the three people do not know each other. This was also before I took the plunge and started to write this blog. It is something that has come up in every reading that I have had with my astrologist as well, but I have always dismissed it immediately because I have never enjoyed writing. I used to pay one of my best friends to write papers for me in high school. So the idea of writing a book, was beyond crazy. It was ridiculous.

Something shifted this week though and although the idea of writing a book sounded soooo hard and I had no idea what the book would be about anyway, I started to see it as a possibility. When I got picked up at the train station in LA on Tuesday night, I said to a friend, "I am thinking I might want to write a book, people keep telling me I can." I repeated similar sentences to friends as I saw them and kept thinking that if I was going to believe in myself I needed to let go of all of the filler words I was using and just say, "I am going to write a book". I needed to stop saying I think and I might and just say it!

On Thursday afternoon, a friend I was just getting a chance to catch up with sat down next to me and I declared, "So, I am going to write a book!". I said it with full conviction and excitement and without even thinking about it. And you know what? I believed myself and so did she! After declaring this amazing statement, I could not hold back. I started to share it with everyone. I emailed my family. I called more friends. I told a guy that I am enjoying getting to know. I was no longer keeping this "crazy" idea to myself, I was no longer afraid to be judged. I was able to believe that I was going to write a book next year.

Today, I woke up and felt fully confident declaring myself as a writer. So far I have written 5 blogs, I am not sure if that counts as proof as being a writer, but I feel it. I am a writer. I feel like anyone in the world could ask me, "what do you do?" and I will eagerly reply, "I am a writer." This is huge for me, not only because I technically have no hard evidence of being a writer, but because I have almost never been able to feel confident in my response to that question.

In the job that I created for myself this year as the Joyologist, it took me a long time to be able to just answer with that one word and not go into a 3 minute spiel about the tasks I performed under the title. Under my title of Joyologist, I am a chef and a yoga teacher, but I have never felt comfortable calling myself either. I might say I teach the guys yoga or I prepare the food, but never could I confidently say I am a yoga teacher, I am a chef. In my career of being a sound engineer, I would confidently state my title, but I hated talking about my job, except to people that did the same job.

I feel that this is my destiny. That I am a writer. That this is what my life is for.

So, the next time you get an idea that you may think is crazy that you want for yourself. Declare it and then I believe you will become it!

giving AND receiving

This week I really took on Making Requests and found out it is so easy! I planned on visiting LA and taking the train up. I had several friends that I wanted to see, yoga studios I wanted to go to, restaurants I hoped to eat at and they are all spread out all over the city. I thought, maybe I will just rent a car when I get up there. It is going to be so hard to get around! And I can not ask people to drive me all around town to do whatever I want and drop me with different friends throughout the week, can I?

I decided to suck it up and sent an email to 15 of friends in LA Making a Request for places to stay and rides around town, outlining the things I hoped to do, when, and where. And you know what?!?!?!? They all replied eager to help! I had so many offers that I had to manage all of it and have ended up staying 3 days past how long I planned to be up here because of all the people that reached out! I am doing all of my favorite things, things I have always wanted to do here, having amazing times with each of my friends. Even the car rides are precious catching up time, and I don't have to drive in LA?!!! Amazing!!!!!

Through my breakthrough of going outside of my comfort zone to ask for help I had another huge breakthrough. Giving and Receiving is one and the same. I have been repeating this phrase often in the last few weeks, but I am not sure if I ever fully felt the power of it until this week. I was more saying it as a comfort when I was receiving (I am not a natural born receiver), and almost using it as a reason to give. In my exercise of making a huge request of my friends in LA I had a hugh AHA! moment. By putting my request out there I originally saw myself only as a receiver, but then I realized I WAS GIVING MY FRIENDS SO MUCH IN MY RECEIVING. I was GIVING them the chance to GIVE to me. They were able to become bigger people. They were able to support me. I GAVE them the opportunity to support me, to show their love for me and so much more. So I was really GIVING AND RECEIVING! GIVING AND RECEIVING ARE ONE AND THE SAME!!!!!

So, I am not going to hold back any longer. I am going to put my requests out there! Now that I think about it, the main reason I stop myself from making requests is because I expect people to say no. So, if I am already expecting a no, why not just put the request out there. If they say no, it is not going to hurt, because that is the result I expected, but you know what? I don't think they are going to say no.

I would love to acknowledge the amazing family of friends that supported me up here this week. V, Schibel, Babs, Fin, Keeks, Conor, Anya, Jessie, Jacquelyn, Gina, Doug, Dougie, Tina, Mona, Jillian, Gary, Danielle, and Lucy. They may think that they just gave me a ride, or a place to stay or even just an offer that I didn't take them up on, but they gave me so, so much more and I know I gave to them too!

GIVING AND RECEIVING ARE ONE AND THE SAME!

Open Hearted

After I lost my father last year, my amazing astrologist and friend Marlana told me to make sure to do heart openers. Heart openers, heart openers, heart openers! I was closing myself off from family, friends, the world around me unintentionally. I was sharing with friends and family how I was feeling, I was dealing with it, but I was lost and alone at the same time.

By giving myself a pause into a heart opener, I was able to recharge, to let life flow, to open up what was locked inside of me.

I was reminded of this today. I have being doing more resting and recovering this week in between driving to visit friends and family and I got more out of touch with yoga than I would have liked. This morning, as I was feeling rested and healthy again, I headed to a double header of yoga. Two classes in a row. The first teacher asked if there were any requests and I said, Yes, heart openers! She took that request on and WOW did I feel it. I was even getting dizzy when coming up to stand! That hasn't happened in forever. It felt so good to unlock whatever junk I was holding onto.

Opening my heart physically moves a lot mentally and emotionally too. When I open my heart I really presence love. I give up fear. I give up being right. I am exuberant. I am love.

Present

I have gotten so present to the fact of my being present.

I took a partially unexpected road-trip last week and I really was able to be present for each drive, not just wanting to arrive at my final destination but being with the drive.

When I figured out that I had never booked one of my flights, my immediate reaction was to book a car, no stress, I thought it was hilarious. It all works out how it is supposed to be, right? When I told family and friends that I was now driving 10 hours instead of flying, I had mostly reactions of that is horrible! My response was, why, I think it is hilarious it will be great. Now, I did not necessarily want to drive 10+ hours but that was what was happening, so I took it on as awesome. And you know what? It WAS!

While I was driving I got so present to how easy it is to drive across the country. There are signs everywhere marking the way. Lines on the road showing your proper place. Food, drink, restrooms, stores carrying anything you may or may not need. I was so provided for on the drive. If my car had broken down, all I had to do was dial a number and people would come to help me. If I got tired I could pull over and get a hotel room. The ways we are provided for are endless.

People are always commenting on how much I travel and asking me which is my favorite place, are you looking forward to such and such place, how was.....?????? I am often at a loss for words when I get asked these questions and I realize now that it is because I am present to each place that I am in when I am there. I am not in Cincinnati daydreaming back to Maui or imagining myself in South America, I am in Cincinnati. That doesn't mean that I didn't have an amazing time on my previous trips or that I am not looking forward to ones to come, it simple means I am present to each day, each location. I believe Cincinnati and Tallahassee all have something to offer me just as much as Maui.

I am grateful for what I have. I am always focused in the present moment where I have everything wonderful I desire, I am filled with gratitude.

Generous

Wow.  Here it goes.

I have contemplated starting a blog for some time now, but I have always stopped myself with the usual self-doubt.  Do I have anything valuable to share?  Who am I to share my thoughts? Will anyone care? Am I a good enough writer? BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I recently thought maybe I will start a blog when I leave on my journey to India.  That will be a good way to share with all of my loved ones at once. But, this week I realized that I am already on my journey.  My journey isn't going to start when I land in India, it is happening now. Everyday, every hour, every moment is all my journey.

In an exploration today in my Cafe Gratitude Logbook it asks, "What act of generosity could you take on today that would be a stretch to you."  Starting this blog is my act of generosity.  In this I am being generous to myself, I am affirming that I am worthy of sharing myself, I am worthy of the confidence it takes to put words out into this space for all to share.  I am also being generous to my community by pulling back layers of myself and letting my community in to my life in a new way.

This year I learned a lot about myself, I was able to name several "coping" mechanisms that I used to get to where I am today.  I realized that I had never fully accepted love, even in the form of a thank you.  I,  also realized that I have gone through life telling myself that I don't need people, that I can do it all on my own.  I believe by sharing myself on this blog I will be able to LET GO of those old ideas even more and really open myself up even more to the love I have to offer, and the love that is available for me to receive.

In giving I presence wholeness for myself and all.